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Do Yourself a Favor And Don't Click: Randy Quaid Is Icky

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    Randy & Evi Quaid's Sex Tape

    Via: Uproxx.com
    WARNING: Clicking the following link is EXTREMELY NSFW. You have been warned. We are not responsible for any psychological trauma caused by Randy and Evi.

    Enacting the eternal metaphor for life and death, Randy Quaid and wife Evi Quaid merged as two sexual beings on their vid.me page.

    Through three acts, the couple displayed a variety of physical prowess and conspiracy theories.

  • 2

    Act 1: Trundling Inexorably to Climax

    We see Randy, fully-clothed and GoPro in hand, lumbering towards Evi. The camera moves jarringly between the stationary camera and the GoPro as Randy positions himself between Evi's legs.

    But ask yourself, why is Randy clothed?

    Is it cold in the room? NO!

    You see, Randy's skin is a metaphor for his very soul. After losing his fortune and being hounded by a dangerous hollywood cabal, he is unable to bare himself. Even in these most intimate moments.

    Randy now begins "going to town" on his wife's "goods."

  • 3

    With what atmosphere does the Lord and Lady Quaid create for their public evening of senuality?

    They eschew the notion of soft R&B whispering to their nether regions and the crackling of flames energizing their aging parts.

    Instead, their beauty of creative physical expression demands the never-ceasing soundtrack of a dog barking.

    And, if you listen closely, in between the barks you can hear Randy's asthmatic lungs wheezing and struggling for breath. But, always the dog barks.

    Like, the dog just keeps barking.

    Like, loudly and forever.

  • 4

    Remove Thy Belt and Unleash Thy Fury!

    It is imperative we see the unbelting from multiple angles.


    If foreplay can exist in a public sex tape, then the Quaids insists it happen in a heavily symbolic fashion, spitting in the eye of all who would trample free expression under the spiked thumb of censorship.

    Ceremoniously, Evi unshackles her man's manhood, unfurling it from the prison of captivity and muskiness which must lie dormant in his drawers.

    Their dramatic bravado takes on more than a hint of counter culture fire as they wail into their sterile-lighted, depressing bedroom, "The revolution will not be televised! It will be streamed on our Vid.me channel!"

  • 5

    The Safe-Word Is "Rupe"

    Here the audience sees Evi being choked and strangled, much like the world chokes her with its vile conspiracies and omnipresent shadows. Suffocating her as she struggles for freedom.
    Only now she's in control, she gains strength and pleasure from the danger, Evi is the hero and will triumph in the face of evil.

    With her, as always, is her trusty steed Randy. With his powerful strength, he assumes the burden of kinkiness from her shoulders and sets it on his brawny, sciatic back.

    This with the help of Rupe. Rupe the safeword, Rupe the hero.

    Sure, it is an obvious and direct reference to Rupert Murdoch, whose head can be seen hanging on the back wall. Rupert Murdoch is the nemesis of the Quaids, in both grandiose and mundane senses. He is a powerful and villainous Magus attempting to cast our heroes from this world.

    And then we found this:

    Notice the striking similarities to Randy Quaid. And Prunes, the donkey sits comforting her beloved Rupe.
    And what does one do with a donkey?
    One RIDES a donkey.
    To Freedom.

  • 6

    Act 2: The Intermission

    Via: Vid.me
    Grunting.


    Wheezing.


    Dog barking.

  • 7

    Act 3: The Conspiracy of Pillow Talk


    With a heavy breath, laden with contentment, Evi tells Randy to put his sunglasses back on.



    Then they get to business.

    For as the churning lumps smushed themselves together a song began. This song:



    Did you think their passionate, jerky love making only concerned themselves? The Quaids fornicate for the masses to spread a message with their spread legs. It is a message of a deceitful media and its corrupt core that harbors the illest will against those who would shine upon the silver screen.

    Though many within traditional and new media receive a Quaid-filled wrath, none is more brought to bear than Rupert Murdock. For him above all else, Evi and Randy scorn with a post-coital post-mortem that lashes out at his crimes against celebrité.

    Apparently, he worked with some in the LA justice system to kill Michael Jackson?

    It's a little hard to follow.

    Ok, it's a lot hard to follow.

    But one cannot deny the fervent passion that rises from their steaming loins to trumpet the crazy nonsense they call truth.

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