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57 Classic FML Moments From People That Despise Their Lives

Shoutout to the poor folks over at the FML community that are actively struggling through their everyday existence. These serve as solid reminders that things can always go MUCH WORSE. 

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Posted by mattstaff
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  • 1
    Text - Today, I got a haircut. The guy quickly cut off most of the hair above my forehead. When I angrily asked him what he was doing, he said, "Quitting." FML
    Via FML
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  • 2
    Text - Today, my little sister complained about a young boy in her class always pulling her hair. She asked when boys will stop doing it. My mom replied, "They won't, even when they're grown-ups," then looked over at my dad and shared a dirty smirk. FML
    Via FML
  • 3
    Text - Today, my mother walked in on me watching porn. As punishment, she sat down and made me watch the rest of it with her as she gave play-by-play commentary. FML
    Via FML
  • 4
    Text - Today, I came home from work to find that my girlfriend had sold all of my N64 and Atari games and both the consoles and bought me a PS4 with the money. While I was standing there in shock, she kissed me on the cheek and said, "I know, I'm the greatest." FML
    Via FML
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  • 5
    Text - Today, my mother got heartburn. She claimed she only gets heartburn when she is near a pregnant woman. She threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't take a pregnancy test, despite there being no way I was pregnant. Turns out,I am pregnant, and my mother's ego has never been bigger. FML
    Via FML
  • 6
    Text - Today,my wife came back from her camping trip with her friends. I decided to help her out by unpacking her stuff while she used the bathroom. It's funny; I never knew that a dildo, a ball gag and an open pack of condoms were considered camping gear. FML
    Via FML
  • 7
    Text - Today, I hit my head on the steering wheel when I sneezed. I managed to honk the horn and the guy next to me couldn't stop laughing. FML
    Via FML
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  • 8
    Text - Today, my religious friend and I ended up having wild sex in the back of his mom's minivan. We got interrupted by a priest knoc king at our window. Well played God, well played. FML
    Via FML
  • 9
    Text - Today, I woke up to the sound of 4 gunshots from downstairs. I screamed, h id under the bed in tears and called the cops. Turned out my boyfriend hadn't been murdered bya burglar like I thought -he'd founda tarantula in our living room and decided to feed it a face full of lead. FML
    Via FML
  • 10
    Text - Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, some homeless person came up to the window and started doing a voice-over. FML
    Via FML
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  • 11
    Text - Today, my mother and I went to Wal-Mart to buy pads. I suggested I get tampons instead, so that I can go swimming at my boyfriend's cottage. My mot her then goes to the nearest store employee and asks, "excuse me, if my daughter uses a tampon, does that mean she is no longer a virgin?" FML
    Via FML
  • 12
    Text - Today, my husband came too soon during sex. He then tried to pretend it didn't happen and continued. He humped me with a half-erect noodle for about seven minutes before finally called him out. FML
    Via FML
  • 13
    Text - Today, I kept hearing a child creepily giggling in my living room. couldn't sleep and got so scared that I started considering hiring an exorcist. Long story short: be careful if you have Bluetooth speakers, because your dickhead neighbor might hack them and start fucking with you. FML
    Via FML
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  • 14
    Text - Today, I watched a young shop assistant try her hardest to flirt with my 20-year-old son. When he continued to be totally oblivious, she outright invited him back to her flat. When he asked, "What for?" a piece of my soul died at how completely I have failed as a father. FML
    Via FML
  • 15
    Text - Today, a man asked me for directions outside of a local store. After about five minutes into the conversation, I noticed he had whipped his penis out and was stroking it. He then asked me if I liked what I saw. FML
    Via FML
  • 16
    Text - Today, I heard my sister screaming from the basement, "Don't you hit me, you asshole!" Knowing her boyfriend was over, I ran downst airs with my baseball bat, ready to smash the fucker hitting my sister. Turns out they were just playing Mario Kart and he rammed her off the edge of a bridge. FML
    Via FML
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  • 17
    Text - Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my penis over my jeans and said "Get hard for me."| was hard. FML
    Via FML
  • 18
    Text - Today, I was clean ing my father's study room and wondering why I did not receive my acceptance/rejection letter from a college I really wanted. I found the acceptance letter, on his desk, also approving of a full scholarship. The deadline to confirm was a month ago. FML
    Via FML
  • 19
    Text - Today, it's my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one was my fiancé, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my be st friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancé for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office singing me a happy birthday. FML
    Via FML
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  • 20
    Text - Today, my grand pa told me he was going to be eating out tonight, and I asked at which restaurant. He replied "Your gran's room." and winked. I didn't need that I1 mental image, at all. FML
    Via FML
  • 21
    Text - Today, my fiancé's parents visited. I keep chickens for their eggs, and his parents own a farm, so we had a connection. They told us to leave the house while they cooked us dinner. When we returned, we faced two steaming plates of chicken. My chickens. They had names. FML
    Via FML
  • 22
    Text - Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves. SoI grabbed a brown ie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML
    Via FML
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  • 23
    Text - Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidentally drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML
    Via FML
  • 24
    Text - Today, at a mind-numbingly boring supp ort session, everyone was talking about their hardships. One guy was talking about losing his leg in a car accident. I was half-asleep and asked without thinking, "Did you ever find it?" I almost shat my pants at the roomful of death glares that followed. FML
    Via FML
  • 25
    Text - Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, soI pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML
    Via FML
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  • 26
    Text - Today, I'm warning you: never spoon na ked with your girlfriend after eating taco bell. The shartpocalypse just might begin in her ass and end on your stomach. FML
    Via FML
  • 27
    Text - Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn't home sinceI couldn't bear to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML
    Via FML
  • 28
    Text - Today, I had one of the worst panic attacks in years. I was worried nobtody cared about me and that I had completely messed up my life. I was hyperventilating and crying hysterically. My mom walked by my room, looked at me, and said, "If you're going to make those noises, at least shut the door." FML
    Via FML
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  • 29
    Text - Today, I gave my girlfriend a hickey barely an inch from her vagina. She texted me later, saying her dad saw it and had grounded her. So yeah, I'm not sure even want to know what the hell goes on in their house. FML
    Via FML
  • 30
    Text - Today, my house got broken into. My brand new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive and some clothes. Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer,I opened the door to find that it too had been stolen. FML
    Via FML
  • 31
    Text - Today, my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn't find the key. So he left me, and the Resident Advisor found me. The fireman had to cut the chain. FML
    Via FML
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  • 32
    Text - Today, I was get ting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, sol called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML
    Via FML
  • 33
    Text - Today, I finally fin ished downloading a 60GB TV series after two weeks of waiting. Every single "episode" turned out to be Rick Astley singing Never Gonna Give You Up, on constant repeat. I almost respect the prankster's effort enough to not want to gut him like a fish. Almost. FML
    Via FML
  • 34
    Text - Today, I went to a domestic violence counseling group. T was the only male there, and I explained that my girlfriend punches me in the face in front of my kids. Everyone started laughing. FML
    Via FML
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  • 35
    Text - Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open,kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML
    Via FML
  • 36
    Text - Today, I was late for work, sol grabbed my handbag, my sports bag and ran out. The bus arrived at the stop just asI did, so I hopped on and sat down, trying to catch my breath. I dumped my bags on to my knees and looked down to see my cat, staring back at me from inside my sports bag. FML
    Via FML
  • 37
    Text - Today, I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML
    Via FML
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  • 38
    Text - Today, at 3 in the morning, I was getting out of bed to use the bathroom, when my boyfriend grabbed my arm, looked at me wide-eyed and begged, "Don't... They'll take your skin..." He doe sn't remember saying it, and now I'm scared shitless to use the bathroom at night. FML
    Via FML
  • 39
    Text - Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML
    Via FML
  • 40
    Text - Today, was my wedding night. We had decided to wait until marriage to have sex. When I undressed and smiled at my new wife, she burst into tears and cried, "please don't make me do this." FML
    Via FML
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  • 41
    Text - Today, I finally got the girl of my dreams'phone number. After texting her "Hey, is this Stephanie?" I got response saying "Sorry bro, I know how you feel, she did the same thing to me." FML II
    Via FML
  • 42
    Text - Today, I finally got the girl of my dreams' phone number. After texting her "Hey, is this Stephanie?" I got response saying "Sorry bro, I know how you feel, she did the same thing to me." FML II
    Via FML
  • 43
    Text - Today, while teaching my class, hooked my laptop up to the projector and put on a documentary. I left it playing and went to the toilet. When I came back the whole class was talking to my mother. She must've Skyped me while I was gone and someone answered the call. FML
    Via FML
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  • 44
    Text - Today,my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into goog le, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML
    Via FML
  • 45
    Text - Today, my girlfriend and l were making love. It got hot and intense and we were really into it, until she blurted out, "Oh baby, rub your penis against mine". FML
    Via FML
  • 46
    Text - Today, I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, not knowing I could hear them. "Tonight's the night," my boyfriend says. "I'm finally going to tell her I love her!" I got really excited, deciding i loved him too. Then his friend says, "Awesome! But what about Kayla?" I'm Kayla. FML
    Via FML
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  • 47
    Text - Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML
    Via FML
  • 48
    Text - Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML
    Via FML
  • 49
    Text - Today, my husband and l broke the news to my 10-ye ar-old son that in about 8 months, he'll have a baby brother or sister. I knew he never wanted a sibling, but I didn't expect him to throw a tantrum, then look at me through teary eyes and scream, "Why can't you keep your fucking legs closed?" FML
    Via FML
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  • 50
    Text - Today, brand new cocktail dress: $300. Matching peep toe heels: $100. Getting my hair done at the salon: $80. Treating myself to a mani/pedi: $50. When finally meeting the guy I have been chatting online with for 2 mon ths,I find out he's my cousin: priceless. FML
    Via FML
  • 51
    Text - Today, a friendly game of Cards Against Humanity somehow ended in a screaming match, my best friend's mother pulling out her tits, and me getting bit in the foot by a dog. FML
    Via FML
  • 52
    Text - Today, my dog was knocked unconscious. I had to race him to the vet and pay a small fortune for X-rays and shots. All because he ran into the kitchen at full speed and smashed headfirst into the refrigerator after hearing me open a bag of turkey. FML
    Via FML
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  • 53
    Text - Today, a girl-scout asked me to buy cookies, in front of Giant. She looked nice, so I bought 5 boxes from her. She took the money and went home with her mom. I opened the boxes when I got home and realized that the boxes just had rocks in them. I got scammed by a girl-scout. FML
    Via FML
  • 54
    Text - Today, whenI dropped my 6-year-old daughter off at school, a little boy ran up to her soI asked his name. My daughter explained: "Oh, don't pay any attention to him, he's my slave. He's come to carry my bag. See you later,mom!" FML
    Via FML
  • 55
    Text - Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML
    Via FML
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  • 56
    Text - Today, my teacher took my test along with another student's and gave us both a zero. Why? Because we both have colds so when we breathe through our nose it makes a sniffle noise. She thought we were using a secret code to communicate by sniffling. FML
    Via FML
  • 57
    Text - Today, I went downstairs early in the morning to watch a movie. As I walked into the living room and reached for the light switch, I heard my dad say " Knew you'd change your mind. Get them panties off." followed by the sound of a zipper being undone. I've never been so mortified in my life. FML
    Via FML

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