Mom: When I take off my bra to go to bed at night, I hear a British man shout in my head, "Releas...

Me: I read that in Florida, alligators eat people's dogs! That's so sad! I know it wouldn't be as...

Dad: Praise the lord, and pass the ammunition!

Me: Cool fountain. Uncle: Yeah that'll be really fun to piss in later when I'm drunk.

Me: I'm off to the party I'll be back by 11. Dad: Be good, and if you can't be good, be careful,...

Mom: Text your friend. You need to explain to her that our car smells like pizza so she doesn't ...