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01
"Also pictured: the junk drawer (no, the rest of my house doesn't normally look like this. "
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02
"As an adult, there are three things I always need more of: fiber, sleep and decorative pillows. "
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03
"And who's gonna cut the crust off of your sandwich if I'm six feet under, huh? HUH?!?"
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04
"No no I'm older than the internet, not electricity!?"
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05
"My kids have been sick since school started in August, and no amount of hand washing has helped.?"
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06
"Meeeemories ?"
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07
"Playing with my kids is proof that time is subjective given that 10 minutes feels like 10 years."
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08
"Last time we went on a family walk, I ended up carrying two scooters and pushing a stroller?"
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09
"It only took ten years of marriage *cries tears of joy* ?"
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10
"No no I really am a nice person! "
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11
"Oh you think October is too early to start talking about Santa?!"
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12
"But that'll never happen so instead I'll wish for a unicorn that poops money"
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13
"On an another note, kids can sleep in the same sheets for 5 years without needing to change them ?"
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14
"I'm pumped! ?"
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15
"Ask me how many times he complained that Taylor's already met Travis' mom."
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16
"Wait a minute... is this why my husband's favorite candy is Bit o' Honey??"
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17
"This checks out?"
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18
"Confession: I'm in the thick of the newborn phase and just like with my other kids, I think this bebe is the cutest lil baby pigeon I ever did see."
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19
"Who needs sleep anyways, right? ...right??"
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20
"I was so young and naive before kids?"
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21
"We had a good run. (Everyone please tell your spouse that it doesn't count as 'me time' if you're folding their underwear)."
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22
"Thanks TODD! That's so helpful?"
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23
"Aaaaand suddenly I feel old enough to register for an AARP membership?"
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24
"Mom brain is real y'all! ?"
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25
"No sudden movements?"
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26
"Come back hoooome"
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27
"I'm sorry...what?!"
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28
"Things are definitely bouncing (my belly pooch, my boobies etc) but there's not much of me that's bouncing BACK?"
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29
"He's not wrong though...?"
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30
"Leave space for the Lord!?"
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31
"Can't wait to parent the teenage version of myself. So fun!?"
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32
"Oh heyyyyyy?"
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33
"As a NJ girl, I especially relate to the first (and the last three obv)?"
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34
"Whooo disturbs (my kid's) slumberrrrr?"
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35
"I'm in a perpetual state of exhaustion"
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36
"Yes, I know that being away from your family and sleeping in a new place is hard, and I'm not trying to take away from that."
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37
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38
"The past few weeks have aged me (and no, not like a fine wine)?"
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39
"Judgement free's the way to be! ?"
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40
"In my defense, it's hard to differentiate between want and need when I walk into Homegoods"
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41
"Looks like I let my kids do my makeup too?"
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42
"Oh no you need to cancel?! I'm devastated! I am bereft! How will I ever recover?! ?"
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43
"One thing they don't mention about open concept floor plans is that the entire first floor becomes an extension of your kitchen table. ?"
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44
"It's called self care DUH?"
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45
"I'm gonna need more than that. How about a facelift and a good coma? Now that sounds positively rejuvenating!?"
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46
"It's fine. Everything's fine. ?"
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48
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49