21 Super Silly Tweets To Keep You Entertained

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    Text - decent pigeon @decentbirthday [assigning roles] god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth sun: sounds good god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves moon: hell yes
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  • 2
    Text - Ste(ph)en @stephenjmolloy Mugger: "Give me your wallet and watch." *hand over my wallet* Me: "Okay, I'm watching. 4:48 PM 12 Jan 18
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    Text - t Viktor Winetrout Retweeted Howard Mittelmark @HMittelmark There is nothing like the sound of a child's laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted. 22/02/2015, 22:51 2,641 Retweets 4,730 Likes
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    Text - Rads @FeelingEuphoric [showing off my distressed jeans] јeans: AHНННННННННН 5:43 PM 06 Jan 18
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  • 5
    Text - TheAlexNevil @TheAlexNevil Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically. 11:12 PM 08 Jan 18
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    Text - Floyd is woke @dafloydsta [date] HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie ME: Oh me too. HER: Which part do you like best? ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking. 12:20 PM 11 Jan 18
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    Text - Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin [date pulls away from kissing] what do you say we take this to the bedroom me: [stamps foot down] but I'm not tired
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  • 8
    Text - Todd 'Papi' Carlos @TheToddWilliams blind date] HER: I'm a ghost writer ME trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
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    Snails and slugs - DasBeesh @DasBeesh Rose are red, Whales have blubber, Despite 'one-in-a- million' odds, Jeremy the lonely snail has found a lover fy 8
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    Text - Kalvin @KalvinMacleod 1st date] HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></ body></html> HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
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    Text - Вoog @Boog Tweets Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
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    Text - Elvish Presley® @_ElvishPresley Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is? Bat 2: (startled) who said that
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    Text - Qwerty Jones @QwertyJones3 [piano bar] Ya know, I didn't think you had it in you, but you're actually a great piano player DUCK: When do people put bread in my jar
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  • 14
    Text - Elvish Presley® @_ElvishPresley JOGGER (from behind me): on your left *I panic & quickly make L's with both my hands* figure out which side is left* *I move to the left* *get nailed by jogger* 1:43 PM 09 Jan 18
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    Text - Troutman @robotrowboat Boss: Let's put this matter aside for the time being Me: [looking around nervously] Can only you see the time being? Boss: Huh? Me: Is it standing near me? Boss: Who? Me: [on verge of panic attack] The time being 6:33 PM 06 Jan 18
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    Text - Qwerty Jones @Qwerty Jones3 *sits bolt upright in bed* TUMS ARE NAMED AFTER YOUR TUMMY 9:32 AM 08 Jan 18
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    Text - Reverend Scott @Reverend_Scott Superman: I stopped Lex Luthor's evil plan today. Batman: I put the Joker behind bars Wonder Woman: I rescued an orphanage full of kids from a fire. Flash: I was able to pet SO MANY dogs today. I literally lost count. 11:43 AM 08 Jan 18
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    Text - Floyd is dead @dafloydsta THERAPIST: What brings you here today? WIFE: His obsession with cats is out of control ME: *slowly pushes wife off couch*
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    Text - FRO VO @fro_vo [wedding reception] BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses CLARK KENT: oh no 10:27 AM 05 Jan 18
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  • 20
    Text - markydoodoo @markydoodoo invention of the bankl no yeah it's still your money I just keep it back here in this other room you are not allowed to see
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    Text - Andy Ryan @ltsAndyRyan Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper The Rock: I hear ya buddy 10:18 AM 02 Jan 18


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