BeautifulMonster

Dad: What are you doing today? Me: I have to renew my drivers license. Dad: Let's go grab some ...

(While making crystals in the kitchen for a science experiment) Grandma: What's she doing in the...

(Looking through a book) Mom: How to ride a unicorn. Me: Mom, that's a unicycle. Mom: Oh, same...

(On a former discussion of Christian sexual purity) Friend: (sarcastically) I am the antithesis ...

(Doing a survey for gay people's rights) Me: Mom, why do you support gay marriage? Mom: Because...

Eli(my brother): Well, mom, looks like you're gonna be a grandma again. Mom: Seriously?! When di...

*mom and I are watching an episode from the '80s, and there's a group of puppies* Me: Puppies! S...

bullshitting with my dad Me: are you allergic to anything? Dad: (after 2 mins of looking in dee...

Dad: I will never be happy again. (2 seconds later)-Proceeds to rip a giant fart. Dad: Maybe I ...

(I am a 15 year old female, and my grandma just asked me if I cuss) Me:...Yeah... Grandma: Fait...

(My mother got two bruises on her wrists because our dogs lunged while she was walking them.) El...

(in the hospital) Doctor: Are you sexually active? Me: *looks at my mom* Mom: *stares at me* ...

Dad and I at a pet store looking at parrots: Parrot: Cracker? Dad: and damn proud of it!

-During a heated argument- Me: Go suck a dick! Mom: I'll teach you how to suck a dick!!!!!

Me: *in my room with my door closed when my dad knocks on my door* Just a sec! Dad: I wanna show...

After some dick stole my phone in middle school and had the nerve to call my mom and tell her I l...

Me: Can I use the wii? Dad: Why, are you asking if you can go to the bathroom? Brother: It's a ...

My Dad decided to have the "talk" with me when I was 16. He walked into my bedroom: Dad: "Hey. D...

(My mother,who is Italian, talking about how she just realized her 500 dollar Coach purse was mad...

(I'm doing a psych project) ME: Ok Dad, what's the first thing that comes to mind when I say "b...

*while eating dinner, which was an unrecognizable slop* me: i dont want to finnish this chicken ...

(my ex, who my mum was never a fan of, knocks on the front door) *Mum answers* Ex: Can I talk t...

(Mom driving our family down the street telling us about her childhood in that neighborhood) M...

Dad: We were going to buy a liquor store once. Maybe we should buy one. Mom: Yeah, and who would...

(after beating my dad at ping-pong for the first time, I begin a celebratory dance) Dad: Great y...

Mom: What are you doing? Me(sarcastically): Oh, just building a meth lab in the basement. Mom: ...

Mom: *Getting home from Apple store* Look at this new iPhone cover I got. It's a Croc, and I can ...

Dad: I'm so hungry I could eat a wh*re... Mom: You mean a horse? Dad: Where's the fun in that?

Me (in my tween years): I can't wait to have breasts like you, mom. Mom: What size are yours? M...