Mr.Nightwing

Me: I'm feeling really stressed out. I just can't sleep. Mom: Go masturbate or something.

Mom (helping me study for confirmation): What questions do we ask ourselves before taking communi...

Mom: That's why we have kids. You appreciated my humor when you were little. Ten years later, y...

(While watching a horror movie) Grandma: I hate to be the kind of person that reads Playboy for ...

Me: So my hand just got smashed between the bale of hay and the truck? (points to bloody scratche...

Me: (looking at arm) Man, why do I always have so many cuts on my arms? Mom: Probably because I ...

G-ma: (Opens door) Get up! Me: I'm sleeping, go away. G-ma: Too bad! Get up or I'm feeding you ...

Me: Yeah, Mum, Daniel's in Romania. Mum: What is he doing, hunting dragons?

Me: You know, it's because of moments like this I think I'm adopted. Dad: Well, when you find yo...

(My sister was sick, this was after a visit to the doctor) Me: So, how is she? Grandma: The doc...

(During Shark Week we were all discussing how people kill sharks for their fins) Mom: I hate whe...

Mom: Your cat is like a hard-on. Annoying and you have to pet him a lot to make him go away.

Mom: Rachel, if you do not come out of your room right now, I will cut out your spleen with knitt...

Mom: Oh, you should go to Joe's Burgers! Me: ...I'm a vegetarian." Mom: Oh, well... they have h...

Dad: You're my little orgasm that could. Me: Thanks?

Younger Sister: Why are your notes on the Spanish Inquisition titled "The Spanish Inquisition is ...

Dad: Wow, that guy's a Derp. Me: How do you know what Derp means?! Dad: Oh please, I've even se...

Me: Hey dad, could you help me with the periodic table of elements? Dad: Oh sure, I have that me...

Me: Let's watch Twilight! Dad: I'd rather rub my penis against a cheese grater.

Me: Why did you guys wait so long with having kids when you got married? Dad: "We didn't know ho...

(My Mom putting the hamster cage in the car) Me: Mom, why are you putting a seatbelt on the Hams...

(I was born with scoliosis and my dad likes to joke about it, which I think is funny.) Dad: I re...

(We just got a new puppy and Dad is holding a dog treat.) Dad: tell the puppy to sit. Me: Sit. ...

(Visiting Grandma in Romania, admiring how big I've grown.) Grandma: May all the girls suck your...

Me: The concert I'm going to is the 14th, not today. Mom, to my dad: Honey, call everyone and t...

Me: Why does eating poppyseeds make you fail a drug test? Mom: Because they have opioids in the...