Living w/B~
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88 year old Grandpa: You're not drunk until you have to hold on to the grass to keep from falling...
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Mom: Go outside and play with your friends, the Playstation will be here when you get back. Dad:...
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Me: Yeah, Dad. Free things are generally good. Well, except herpes. Dad: You know what's worse t...
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ME: I'm just a little angel. Dad (a pastor): So was Lucifer in the beginning
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(Jehovah Witnesses knock on the door) Mom: *answers door to be polite* Dad: HONEY! Come back! T...
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Mom: What do you think of this paint color? (It's dark red) Dad: I don't know... It looks like ...
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(on a camping trip) Me: Mom, I have something important to tell you. Mom: (flipping burgers and...
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Mom: It's great having your cellphone when we go out. We can use it like a portable clock! Me: A ...
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(while teasing my Grandpa) Grandpa: I didnt fight in 'nam for this crap. Me: Erm we're british ...
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Mum: GET DOWN HERE BEFORE I BURY YOU UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS!! I'VE SEEN ENOUGH EPISODES OF NCIS To...
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(when speaking of an Aunt's torn hamstring) Grandma: "Did you hear about Aunt Bridget's gstring?...
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Me: I swear, if I get a good grade on this test, I'm gonna s**t myself Mom: Well, thats a little...
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Mom: WHAT?!?! I CANT HEAR YOU! IT'S TOO DARK IN HERE!
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Dad, on how warm we keep the house: Firewood doesn't grow on trees!
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[In grocery store] Mom: So I found out my stripper name today. Me: What? Mom: It's Chesty Sunny...
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*my boyfriend and I are making red frosting for zombie cookies* Mom: I can get you some real hum...
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Dad:Who you made these cakes for? me:they are for my boyfriend. Dad:(enthusiastically)Is there ...
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Step-dad: Honey, would you love me if I got fat? Mom: As long as you still fit between my legs.
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Me (to my parents): have you guys ever argued? Mom: yes, once. Me: was it bad? Mom: kinda, but...
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Upon my parents leaving for the weekend Mom: No parties. No boys. Dont glue your butt closed. Lo...
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(Driving by a frozen over lake) Mom: Where do the ducks go? Me: ... What do you mean? Mom: Lik...
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Dad: I want my tombstone to say 'He died by the fist.' Mom: What are you talking about? Dad: I ...
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Me: Dad, can you make me a Root Beer Float? Dad: My god, what's wrong with you? First I had to g...
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Mom: How many pints in a liter? Me: I don't know mom. Mom:Well then smell this.
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Dad: Have a good time,and remember never get into a car with strangers unless they offer you cand...
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Me:I'm mad at you. Mom:No you're not, you are definitely not mad at me. Me:What? Mom:Shut up!I...
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Dad: Get your lazy butt of that coutch! Brother: Why? There's nothing wrong with it. Dad: You w...
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Dad: I used to be scared of needles, now I can stick a hypodermic in my penis!
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Mom: *pregnant with my sibling, to my father* Why do you want another son? You already have two, ...
