hobbitgirl89

Grandma: I liked sophmore year, I had fun. Me: Uhh, you got pregnant sophmore year.. Grandma: L...

(After we kept leaving the door open in winter) Dad: Do you guys think firewood grows on trees?!

Mom: I'm sorry I can't hear you I don't have my glasses on

*as a friend and I are dropped off for a day on the town* Mom: Leave your stuff in the car! Your...

(My dad likes to sing out whatever is on his mind) Dad: Which-doo dee doo- Redneck hobo-bop boo b...

(Boyfriend fell asleep on the couch. I poke him, trying to wake him up.) BF: DONT TOUCH THAT D...

(My gay friend, Josh, was on his way over to my house. My dad told me to make my bed, but I was b...

I'm not a hipster, I'm a hypster. Why? Because correct spelling is too mainstream. Besides, you'v...

When trying to turn your husband on, do not use LOLspeak. You will remind him of an icanhascheez...

HERPADERPDERPHURDA DUR DURH DRUGH AGHAghsagdhjaklKDLFHSJK

*Talking about Taylor Swift* Me: She was an Abercrombie and Fitch model before her singing caree...

If you know you can't handle everclear, NEVER take 2 shots because of a dare. you'll get oblitera...

Never wear panties with writing on them under a white dress. People will literally try to read yo...

bullshitting with my dad Me: are you allergic to anything? Dad: (after 2 mins of looking in dee...

Me: Mom, we're almost out of mustard... Mom: For f**ks sake, you're eating me out of house and c...

Mom: You know that band you played for me the other day? Wasn't their name Cutie Pie Lovehandles?...

If you decide to have a practical joke war for an entire week with your brother, remember why he ...

*Very awkwardly trying to explain to my 85-year-old grandmother what a threesome is after she ask...

uncle(while drunk): i was once abducted by aliens you know. me(trying not to be annoyed): yeah? ...

(when I was 16) Grandma: You've been dating your boyfriend for a while... Have you talked to your...

Dad: *talking about a giant ferris wheel* It's £5 to go all the way around. Me: I wonder how muc...

If you ever find the peas you microwaved have accidently boiled over and you unfortuatly get your...

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Grandma: Did I ever tell you about the man who proposed to me before your grandfather? Me: No, i...

When asked to do research on the internet, don't print the first page that comes up on Google. 3 ...

Mom (through text): I need you to empty the dishwasher. Me: Umm.. I'm in the same room as you, y...

Dad (after being 'hushed'): I do not obey the platypus of silence!

My mom after some woman cut her off: "Yes, grandma, jump right out in front of us! Cuz we're high...

(walks into the room seeing my step-dad Tom watching the moths on the ceiling) Me: What the hell...