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Parents advice

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(To brother) Mom: Michael, somtimes I think you have your period more often than I do.
Me: Mum! Look! I tied a knot in a cherry stem! Mum: And there are many guys who I am sure will b...

(My mom walks in to the living room where my sister is reading Twilight) Mom: What is that? Sis...
(Talking to mom at dinner table) Me: Dad took me to Salvation Army today! Dad: Yeah, they didn'...

*I hear this from outside my door* Mom: I am not a whale penis!
(My mom, little sister and I in front of the ATM) Little sister: Mom can I push the buttons? Mo...

(At the doctor's office) Nurse: Do you smoke? Me: No. Mom: Not that you would say so, since I'...
[When I was about 9, my girl scout troop had to participate in this international fair thing wher...

(While study for a test on reproduction) Dad: *pointing to a drawing of a naked female* Take a g...
Me: So, today, Will and I were- Mom: I don't care. (starts laughing hysterically) Oh, I'm just k...

Me(9 year old girl): Mom can I have a remote control car? Mom: No you will turn into a lesbian

83-Year-Old Granny: You never stitched the leader of the Chain Gang's face back up dear. Don't te...
Dad: *Hands me a spray bottle and paper towels* Now go and clean your bathroom as if Jesus himsel...

(My dad likes to sing out whatever is on his mind) Dad: Which-doo dee doo- Redneck hobo-bop boo b...
(After coming out of the closet) Dad: ... So you're gay? Me: Yes... Dad: I still want grandkid...

As my mom is talking to some religious people in the doorway, she yells into the living room: "Ho...
*thump and shout from the living room* Me: What? Mum's Boyfriend: (covering face) I just bloody...

(My mom is a hospice nurse) Mom kicks open the door and yells: My tires are caked with pig shit ...
Step-dad: Don't samba with the cat! Me: Why not? Step-dad: Because she doesn't know how!

(Watching T.V.) Voiceover: There's only one thing worse than losing one child at the beach... M...
*My friend and I were sitting in my room, playing video games when it starts storming after a lon...

Driving in the car Me: Remember that one time you crashed into the tree? Dad: I didn't crash in...
*I'm casually listening to music in my room* Mum(Bursts in): WHERE IS MY FARMVILLE TURTLE? HAVE ...

(All day my 89 yr. old Grandmother had been hitting on my 19yr old cousin's friend, but wouldn't ...
Dad (half asleep on couch): Martians, are you okay? Come in, Martians. Me (walking by): ...Wha...

Conversation between Sister & Dad one night in a hotel bar. Dad: Why are your knees so skinned u...
(At an IKEA looking for a bed, overhearing another family) Daughter: I like this one Mom:(shake...

Dad: Hey! Do you wanna play a game? Lets see who can hit the absolute softest. Me: Uhh, ok sure....
(My mum gets cut off in heavy traffic): Mum: "WELL I HOPE YOUR NEXT S**T IS A PORCUPINE!"