Real-Life Dating Nightmares: Dumpster Firefighter

• So much for my ultimate fantasy.

  

  Sleeping with a man in uniform was always a fantasy of mine, but when it finally happened it ended up being a terribly bad one-night stand.

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• A firefighter? Yes please!

  

  Kevin was a deliciously beefy NYC firefighter with a remarkably amusing sense of humor and an affinity for a good smokey old fashioned. 

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• Kevin was hotttttt!

  

  Kevin made the trek in from Long Island to the Upper East Side to a relatively obscure speakeasy so I could sample what he claimed was an old fashioned far superior to any other. When I entered the sparsely lit saloon I found Kevin waiting for me inside a red tufted booth looking so good I already wanted to slide down his fire pole.

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• TRUTH BOMB!!

  

  After some flirtatious chatter, we bonded over the fact that we were both navigating the dating scene while dealing with the asinine stigma of having been previously married.

  Oh, but that is when he dropped the bomb…

  Kevin was STILL married.

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• Uhmmm.. what?!

  

  This 'marriage' was news to me considering he had spoken of his divorce as if it was practically ancient history. 

  NOPE. In fact, his wife had filed for divorce just shy of two weeks prior. 

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• *Cue the f**king floodgates*

  

  Kevin began to cry as he unloaded every ounce of emotional baggage on me about where his marriage went wrong, what he would have done differently, and how he is working hard to move towards a better future.

  Though I was happy for Kevin's poignant awakening, it would have been lovely if oh, I dunno…

  IT DIDN'T HAPPEN ON A FIRST F**CKING DATE!

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• I knew I was in trouble.

  

  Now, when a date is going THIS badly one would think I would finish my drink and be on my merry way.  But NOOOOOO. Not me. Why? Two reasons:

  1. I hadn't been laid in months. 

  2. This meme sums it up perfectly.

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• The sex was totally underwhelming.

  

  Not only am I a total slut sucker for a man in uniform, but clearly for a man in severe emotional distress.

  So back to my apartment we went. 

  Kevin blew his load in approximately 42 seconds then attempted to finger me, but clearly was mistaking my vagina for a turkey he was eagerly trying to stuff.

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• It was time for him to leave.

  

  After some rather cringe-worthy sexual activity I was hoping to finally put an end to this terribly bad one-night stand.

  No such luck. Subsequent to the pleasureless experience Kevin slept until roughly 11:30, and only awoke from his deep slumber after I purposely made a ruckus in order to expedite his departure.

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• He didn't get it.

  

  He lollygagged about my apartment completely oblivious to the fact that I wanted him gone. He enjoyed some cereal and relaxed on my sofa wearing only his skivvies watching sports highlights. Finally, I'd had enough. "So, don't you want to head out and get home or something?" I asked, obviously peeved.

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• OMG LEAVE!

  

  "Eh, I dunno I wasn't sure if you wanted to hang out. I don't really have any plans," he said. 

  Kevin then began to stall and attempted to drum up aimless conversation. 

  When at last I told him I wanted to get on with my day he relented and asked if he would be able to use my shower first.

  Why, you ask?

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• Homeless, married and a scrounge.

  

  Because Kevin was homeless. Well, kind of…

  That WIFE he casually forgot to mention? Yeah, she still lived at their apartment, and he did not want to be there. Though Kevin was gainfully employed he had been living at his firehouse for the last two months. Because of some 'irresponsible' spending decisions, he wasn't exactly in a place financially to find a new apartment.

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• WTF

  

  Oh, but then he informed me that he had recently booked a trip to Europe for two weeks….

  …and he drove a BMW.

  He said the firehouse only had communal showers, and it would be nice to have some privacy for a change.

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• Boy byeee

  

  Kevin made use of my facilities and left shortly after, but not before making it smell like something died in my bathroom, causing my 350 sq. ft studio to reek of putridity.

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