You might think it's easy to get some these days, especially with everyone desperate for human contact after lockdown. But it turns out that cat owners often encounter technical setbacks that the average person doesn't, which could stop them from getting lucky in the sex department. Together with The Single Society, we bring you real women's stories of times their cats did everything they could to stop their owners from getting laid, which, if you know a thing or two about kitties, isn't all that surprising. It turns out cats might just be the ultimate c*ck blocks!
We'd love to hear your stories, cat owners! Share it with us in the comments below.
And just a little reader discretion, the following stories are uncensored and quite naughty. Naughty but definitely hilarious, and very relatable. Proceed with caution.
The Bed Crapper
My cat has some health issues and unfortunately, when he is not feeling well he lets me know by going to the bathroom in various places that are NOT the litter box. I brought my Bumble date home after a boozy night out and we made our way to the bedroom. After rolling around in bed for a few minutes we realized it smelled like cat piss. My cat had peed and crapped all over the bed. It was smeared all over us. My date was disgusted (rightfully so) and ran to jump in the shower. The icing on the cake? It just so happened to be the ONE day of the year when my building shut off the hot water from 11 PM - 5 AM to do maintenance on the hot water heater. The shower was freezing cold. He left right after.
The Tampon Catcher
I finally brought a guy I'd been dating back to my apartment for some adult fun. We started making out on the couch and a few minutes in my cat started going crazy batting something around the living room. Turns out, he dug one of my dirty tampons out from the garbage can and was chasing it around. It definitely killed the mood. Clearly, my cat wants me to be celibate.
The Allergic Reaction
I brought my Tinder date home with me to finally end my 10-month dry spell. When we got to my apartment we went straight for the bedroom. A few minutes into our sexy time he pulled away complaining he was having trouble breathing. I noticed his eyes were also getting swollen. He ended up being extremely allergic to cats and of course, there was cat dander all over my bed. The dry spell continues.
The Aggressive Kitty
One time I brought a guy home after a really fun date. I have a cat who is usually the sweetest boy EVER. For some reason, he was not feeling this guy and suddenly became very territorial. When my date bent down to pet him he nipped at him and kept hissing, growling, and straight-up attacking him. I live in a tiny studio apartment in NYC so it wasn't like I could lock him out of the room, so I decided to just put him in the bathroom. He wasn't happy and kept meowing and howling like crazy. It became increasingly obnoxious and eventually killed the vibe. We didn't speak again after that.
The Coat Pee-er
A guy I was dating came home with me after we were out all day drinking. We were hanging out in my bedroom and he suggested we have some wine delivered since I ran out. He went out to the hallway where his coat was hanging to get his cellphone since he had a liquor delivery app. His coat must have slipped off my coat hanger and was on the floor. Suddenly I hear him scream "Ughhhh oh my God! Gross!" My date had used my bathroom (where I keep the litter box) right when we got home and I forgot to tell him that he has to leave the bathroom door open when he is done. My cat, not having anywhere to go to the bathroom peed and pooped all over his jacket. It was freezing outside.
The Ball Swatter
I brought home a guy I'd recently started dating and we ended up hooking up in the shower. My cat --weirdly enough-- loves water and swatting at the drops that fall from the shower curtain, the water from the kitchen sink -- he's just obsessed with running water. If I lock him out of the bathroom while I shower he will scratch at the door and be extremely annoying, so I just let him do his thing. During our steamy romp, my guy pulled away and lightly pushed the cat off the shower ledge. He did it again before I asked what was going on. Apparently, my cat kept swatting at his balls. He thought it was me at first but when he realized it was the cat it got weird.
The Toenail Attacker
I took a guy home one night and we ended up in my bedroom. While we were in the midst of our lovemaking my cat kept jumping all over us and being super annoying. I pushed him off the bed and he seemed to leave us alone. Suddenly, my partner screeched in pain. His feet were hanging off the bed and moving in and out of the covers as we were getting busy. My cat was batting at them and one of her claws pierced him right underneath his toenail and was stuck in his skin. He shook my cat off but clearly, it was really hurting him and we couldn't get back into the 'groove.' He texted me later that he was at the pharmacy because the toenail became infected and needed to get an antibiotic.
The Moment Killer
I was going down on my new boyfriend on the couch. I have bookshelves next to the couch in which my cat likes to climb on. Mid BJ the cat jumped down straight onto my boyfriend's stomach then quickly pounced off. It kind of knocked the wind out of him (he's an 18 lb cat) and he had bloody claw marks across his skin. Thanks, asshole.
The Deal Breaker
I brought a guy home after being in quarantine for months. He didn't realize my roommate had a cat and he was deathly afraid of cats and dogs for some reason unbeknownst to me. He left right away. Perhaps I dodged a bullet, but it would have been nice to finally put an end to months of celibacy.
About the AuthorTheSingleSocietyNikki is currently living in NYC with her husband (who she met on Bumble after experiencing the absurdity of online dating) and working in digital marketing. She clearly enjoys recording the ridiculous debauchery that is the modern dating scene. Nikki is also partial to a tall glass of Prosecco, her black/calico kitties, 90s music and playoff hockey. Drop her a line if you have a good story for her to write about.
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