What That Couple Across the Hall is Probably Doing for Valentine’s Day

It's almost Valentine's Day, and I'm getting ready for my yearly tradition: a scented bath, a bottle of vintage wine, feeding my crows and preparing the effigy of Clark Gable which I will burn in a forest with the rest of my coven as the clock strikes midnight and the spectre of St. Valentine bids us farewell. This is what we must do every year, as it is written. But recently I can't help wondering about the couple across the hall from my apartment. Charlotte and Mark have lived across from me for a few years now, and they're pretty nice and clearly in love, but they have some WEIRD traditions. I'm talking sh*t that you only see in movies, like going to the store to buy food instead of summoning it from the great beyond, or using electricity instead of lighting candles. Who doesn't use candles?? Anyway, I've just been thinking about all the crazy stuff they probably do for Valentine's day. Like…

Posted by armchaircomedian

Going to a restaurant

I run into Charlotte and Mark in the hall all the time carrying leftovers from really fancy places, like Olive Garden or Walmart—places where you eat inside and you exchange money for the food instead of crow feathers. I bet they'll go to an indoor place just like I always see in commercials where they will read incantations to a server from a "menu" (whatever that is), and the server will bring them meat which is already cooked and fill their water glasses each time they take a sip.

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Drinking nice wine

Charlotte just loves what she calls "sparkly wine"—I don't really know what she is talking about since I myself only drink wine the color of blood, but she enjoys it and I support her. I think the two of them will clink glasses in a toast to their love and then imbibe large quantities of this sparkly wine while giggling maniacally.

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Consuming aphrodisiacs

From what I understand, couples will often eat chocolate-covered strawberries, some kind of shelled seafood, and fragrant saffron to prepare for a night of romance. While it saddens me that they will probably never know the sheer ecstasy of howling at the moon on a cloudless winter night in harmony with their pack of sisters, I still hope they'll have a good time.

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Going to a movie

I have been seeing trailers for some new movie where a man and a woman fall in love...totally uninteresting, I know, but Mark was holding two tickets for opening night when I saw him today. I suppose I understand why seeing a movie in a theatre would be sexy, though...dark, surrounded by fellow lovers, and a new love blossoming on the screen in front of you...it will never compare to the site of my many coven sisters professing their love to our dark mother, but it might tickle the same nerve. Still seems weird to me, though.

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Taking a bubble bath

Okay, this one I understand. I love a good bath as much as the next dark sister. What I don't understand is how they're going to enjoy it with no candles to light! And they don't have any crow servants—who is going to bathe them??

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Taking a cooking class

Yes, I'm given to understand that making food out of ingredients in a public space can really strengthen a romantic bond? Again, I don't see how putting some mush in an oven is more fulfilling than calling a dish forth fully-formed from the Great Fire to enjoy with your sisters by moonlight, but whatever floats their boat. Maybe they'll even meet some other couples there to hang out with and they'll finally stop trying to set me up with bland men who take showers and listen to podcasts.

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Making a baby!

Oh, I've seen that look in Charlotte's eye. That is a look I know well. It is her time to create life, and she knows it. Mark knows it too. How wonderful. I shall offer up a prayer to the dark mother when we send our requests to her through the burning of the Valentine's day effigy. I really do want good things for them, even if they are very strange people.

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