Phantom Relationships
The beauty of closure is in the eye of the beholder.
We experience closure at the fancy restaurant when we order a yummy dessert, we get closure when a TV show’s season finale ties up all the loose ends, and we can find closure by attending a funeral. As a narrative-driven society, conclusion is as important to the human narrative as the plot itself. Mariana Bockarova, Ph.D., an expert in the psychology of relationships, says that humans understand themselves and the world around them in the context of stories. According to Dr. Bockarova, “Closure after a breakup allows one to restructure their past, present, and future by understanding what went wrong and reconfiguring their story.” While it’s often melancholy or at least prematurely nostalgic, closure gives a sense of finality, ending those chapters so we can turn the page and carry on with our lives.
Giving breakups closure may be challenging, but it is the most humane and healthy way to end relationships. Bockarova says, “In any relationship, giving the true reasons as to why [things are] ending is the kindest, fair, and honest thing to do.” Whether you’re a recent divorcee, a former athlete, or a disappointed Game of Thrones fan, giving closure to your breakup is the cleanest way to sever ties, coterize your soul’s broken bonds, and heal.
Contrastingly, ghosting a relationship leaves us open to the festering what-if’s of hindsight, instinctively building walls to protect the bare, authentic soul that we foolishly left vulnerable. According to Christina M. Leckfor, a researcher recently published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, “Ghosting is a type of ostracism that threatens a person’s basic psychological needs for belonging, self-esteem, meaningful existence, and control.” For anyone who’s ever been ghosted—lingering in ambiguity for days, weeks, or months—a clear breakup is a heaven-sent gift. Luckily, ghosting is now broadly recognized as a faux pas in the dating community.
However, society doesn’t think friendships need to abide by any sort of the same chivalry. Friendships, unlike romantic partnerships, often end without a clean break, dwindling into oblivion without as much as a “Goodbye.” This can confuse and derail our sense of self, and as Dr. Bockarova says, “When someone is rejected and refused honest answers about why the relationship ended, they are left depleted of their dignity.”
Via u/girls
Breakups are tough, but giving it closure is way healthier than getting ghosted. While communicating during breakups is uncomfortable and awkward, it ultimately fosters the closure we need to move on. However, in the world of friendships, we’re rarely granted a well-communicated “breakup” after falling out. Oftentimes, broken friendships will linger and fade into oblivion without the closure of a finite conclusion, leaving both parties wondering what went wrong.
Just Between Us Buddies
Friends are a safety buoy in the turbulent sea of life, but sometimes, our closest friends can surprise us, disappearing without a trace due to unknown factors. And as many of us have unfortunately experienced, friends can ghost you too. According to S. Rufus M.A., a reporter for Psychology Today, “Being plunged into uncertainty [after being ghosted] can have toxic effects on our sense of identity, safety, and self-esteem.”
Friendship loss is just as emotionally traumatizing as the loss of a romantic partner. With our souls laid bare in front of a person we consider a friend, we find safety, comfort, and can form a platonic love attachment. When that’s ripped away, we’re left vulnerable and raw. Pop culture places romantic relationships at the top of the hierarchy and platonic ones at the bottom, though platonic bonds can reach a sacred depth of connection. Dr. Marissa Franco, a counseling psychologist and “friendship expert” says, “Platonic relationships can be a source of great intimacy, but because our culture devalues friendships, we assume they should be ‘easy’ and don’t put enough effort into them.” When it comes to romance, we usually are quite clear with our partner’s missteps, but friendship is much more convoluted.
In friendships, it’s not uncommon to let relational issues fester and grow into bigger problems—the kind that lead to a severance, ghosting, or a falling out. “Why cut someone off without saying why?” says Deborah Tannen, author of You’re the Only One I Can Tell. “Many of us find it hard to say anything negative outright, so we swallow our hurt—until it chokes us.” Through pure observation, you can see that this type of animosity is more common in female friendships. Unspoken infringements between one another can build into a skyscraper of issues, brick by trust-shattering brick, and once the weight of it all becomes too much, someone bails without a trace.
Without being told, how is a friend supposed to know when their closest ally has reached their limit? All types of relationships require effort on both sides, but friendships have consistently been placed at the bottom of the totem pole in social and relational narratives, allowing the build-up of transgressions to drive a wedge between once-unbreakable bonds. A platonic relationship is as emotionally perilous as a romantic partnership, yet it’s uncommon to actually go through the steps of a proper breakup with your bestie. Nonconfrontational behavior has prevailed, but at the detriment of a former friend’s well-being.
Sorry—It’s Over
Concluded relationships of every variety are entitled to a mourning period. Deserving the same emotional consideration as a terminated romance, friendly relationships should be treated with mercy, empathy, and emotionally informative closure. While breaking up with former friends may seem uncomfortable and unnecessary, your ex-friends deserve to move on, or at least be given a chance to make right their transgressions or shortcomings.
Friendships can be deeper and more meaningful than a romantic relationship, sometimes spanning years (or even a lifetime), so let’s give that partnership the recognition it deserves—at the start, middle, and end of its course.
Via u/templarpilled