Let’s start with the absurdity, because oh boy, there’s a lot. The new apex predator - the film’s big bad dino - is less of a dinosaur and more of a Godzilla-Xenomorph hybrid someone cooked up in a Red Bull-fueled design meeting. It’s huge. Not “big T-Rex” huge. We’re talking helicopter-devouring, building-stomping, “how far up can the camera tilt?” kind of huge. It’s completely divorced from anything resembling paleontology and has more in common with video game boss design than anything that once walked the Earth.
Speaking of which, the plot could have been ripped straight from a PS2 adventure game: Get to the island. Face three mini-bosses. Confront the final boss. Escape dramatically. Add a few cutscenes, and you’re done. There’s a human villain so obviously slimy that you could spot him from space, complete with evil monologues and zero nuance. The heroes are heroic. They run, they shout, they look hot while covered in dirt. No one grows. No one changes. There are no moral dilemmas or emotional arcs. Just dinosaurs - eventually.
And that brings me to one of the biggest issues: the first hour. My kid leaned over about 45 minutes in and whispered, “Why are there no dinosaurs in this dinosaur movie?” And you know what? He had a point. The first half is all slow setup, pseudo-scientific nonsense, and dialogues disguised as character buildup that can be summed up with “Remember my friend? he died and I am very sad about it” “Yeah, someone I loved died too”. I appreciate the effort but we came for the dinosaurs, people. Show us the teeth.
When the action does kick in, it mostly delivers. There are a few standout sequences - a tense jungle chase, a thrilling inflatable raft scene with a T-Rex attack that had just the right amount of chaos - and a couple of visual gags that work well. But again, everything is cranked up to 11, as if the script had a sticky note slapped on it that just said “BUT BIGGER” in red Sharpie. And someone took that seriously.
Now, let me be clear: Rebirth is still leagues better than Fallen Kingdom, which felt like watching two different movies duct-taped together. And it’s more coherent than Dominion, which seemed like it forgot it was about dinosaurs until halfway through. This one at least knows what it is: a dumb, loud, slightly self-aware dinosaur romp.
The cast is doing their best with what they’re given. Scarlett Johansson absolutely carries the film. She’s a very different kind of badass here than she was as Black Widow - more grounded, less mysterious, but just as compelling. She’s easily the main attraction (behind the Dinosaurs), and her star power goes a long way in keeping things afloat.
My kids? They had fun. They gave it a 7/10 and immediately started arguing who would beat the big dinosaur faster - Superman or The thing. And honestly, that’s who this movie is for. Not me. Not the critics. It’s for 10-year-olds who think raptors are the coolest thing since The Mario Movie and want to see one jump onto a helicopter.
So here’s my verdict: it’s fine. A solid 6 out of 10. Not a disaster, not a great movie either, just passable popcorn fun. It won’t rekindle your love of the franchise, but it might remind you why you fell in love with it in the first place - even if just for a second, when the T-Rex roars and the music swells.
But seriously, next time… can we at least try actual dinosaurs and not towering mutated ones? Real dinosaurs were cool enough
