Mother bans adult daughter from family Thanksgiving after she refuses to host the event: 'I made it very clear she needed to stay true to her word and if she dumped it on someone else she wouldn't be going to Thanksgiving'

Author image for Brad Dickson
Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
Nov 8, 2024 7:00 PM EST

Hosting events is a lot of work; there's a house to be cleaned, food to be prepped, and a lot of general setup that needs to be taken care of. When it's family, it's even more so to do—it's probably a good idea to hide the things your family won't approve of and save yourself the judgment.

Family hosting schedules help to ease the burden of any one person having to host too often, and the reality is that for a member of the family to drop from hosting duties places a disproportionate amount of responsibility on the other members of the family to host additional events.

The problem is this assumes that each member of the family is equally able to host in the first place. The reality is this is never the case. Some people, usually older members of the family, have homes with more space for hosting more people and the space to store the things necessary for hosting a large family. Many of us, particularly in our younger adult years, live in spaces that we'd be horrified to let our family into.

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    Image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Image is for illustration only and subjects are models.

  • The other thing that is probably contributing to the generational divide and lack of understanding here is that when the mother was her daughter's age, she was probably in a far better position to host family and events. This is presumptive, but previous generations were able to buy houses and move into their own spaces far earlier in life than those now in their 20s and 30s are able to. Whereas our parents had families, we have adult roommates who we can hardly expect to put up with our entire family—even if we own the home.

  • They often also did this on one income, with the other spouse not working at all and devoting their time solely to household matters. This made hosting events all that much easier without a full-time job to worry about. Show me families that can afford to do this in modern times.

    It's hard to say with the perspective and information the mother provided in her post, but we know that the daughter has just moved into her new place (I'd still consider July to be recent, given the way this year is going). As a result, I'd conjecture that the daughter is hardly in the wrong here. As one commenter noted, it's a bit sad to see the mother putting the responsibilities of hosting family holidays above the point of the holidays themselves. Besides, normally, it takes far worse behaviors to get someone banned from family gatherings.

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    AITA for disinviintg my daughter to Thanksgiving when she won't host Thanksgiving? Throwaway In our family, holidays are rotated, so one person hosts the Fourth of July, another hosts Christmas, and another hosts Thanksgiving etc.. This way, no one is constantly hosting, and it makes it fair for everyone. This
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    post is about my middle. daughter, Clara. Clara has always been skipping her host duties, when it gets to her she has an excuse why she can't host. It ranges but usually goes along the lines of stress or she is too busy.
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    This results in other family members to pick up her holiday. It is frustrating and multiple people have talked to her about this. She bailed on hosting Easter but promised me that she would do Thanksgiving we swapped holidays. At the time I made it very clear she needed to stay true to her word and if she dumped it on someone else she wouldn't be going to Thanksgiving. It usually gets. dumped on me.
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    Anyway, I called her asking if she wanted me to bring a dessert board for Thanksgiving. She told me that she could not host because she had just moved into her home (she moved in July), and it was too messy to host. I told her she could clean since it was a few weeks away. She told me she can't.
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    I know the other kids can't host it, (well one could but she is doing Christmas and its not fair at all for her). I informed everyone it would beat my place this year. I also informed everyone that Clara is not invited this year to Thanksgiving.
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    Clara was p ed when I told her that and we got into a huge argument. She thinks I am a big j. My other kids are split, two of them are happy since they are tired of picking up her slack when this happens while others things this is too far. So outside opinion
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    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a hle: AITA for disinviintg my daughter to Thanksgiving when she won't host Thanksgiving? This might make me an a hole since i could be going too far by uninving her to Thanksgiving
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    • 2h ago • Edited 24m ago • Edit: after seeing OP's response, NTA. INFO: have you ever had a conversation about coming to a compromise, or seeing why Clara is so adamant about not hosting? For example, do the rest of you have spouses that can help while Clara is single? Does she have small children while the rest don't? Or maybe Clara just has the personality where hosting is rough on her.
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    If I were you, I'd have this honest conversation and see what middle ground can be reached. For example, in my family, my parents always host for holidays because they have the biggest nicest home, and because they live near other people they'd like to invite. But my sister and I often go over a few days early, do the cleaning, shopping, and cooking, and make things as easy on my parents as possible. And when there are outside guests, we take on hosting duties as well.
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    I'm just surprised that you'd jump to ostracizing Clara from the holidays without figuring out a way for her to contribute without hosting. If she's only willing to take in all aspects that's one issue. If the only thing she's not willing to give is hosting, though, if you love her and want to spend time with her, wouldn't you want to at least try and figure something out?
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    . _ChloeSilverad... 1h ago I'm really struggling to make a judgement here because I think the concept of "everyone HAS to host one large gathering" is kind of odd to me.
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    My sister hates hosting people in her space and I'd never want to make her do it just because it's what is seen as fair. On the other hand, my brother and sister in law love hosting people and parties at their house. They usually do Christmas, Halloween, Easter and have everyone over.
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    I usually do Thanksgiving and New Years, and our parents will usually do like. 4th of July, Labor and Memorial Day (they have a pool). It just kind of worked out that everyone picked holidays that play to their strengths and my sister has been to every single event and will always offer to help set up/clean/bring things in lieu of official host duties.
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    I couldn't imagine forcing her to take on duties that she hates and makes her miserable or tell her to not come to our parties, because I love her. Sure, I get stressed hosting too, but I'd rather have my sister to celebrate with then alienate her and still have to pick up slack. I think I'm leaning towards YTA because I don't think this should be such a forced procedure
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    • Softimaginati... 2h ago • This post is weird to me, why would you try and force someone to host that doesn't want to? Her hosting is more important to you guys than being with her during a holiday? The rotation should include whoever wants to be included. It sounds like you're making holidays way too hard, gather at whatever/whoevers house is biggest and doesn't mind visitors and everyone bring something. It really doesn't. have to be this difficult
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    52BeesInACoat • 1h ago. You want to have the holiday without your child? You're okay with that? Your child wants to celebrate the holiday with you but you don't want her to? Remove her from the hosting rotation. Hug her. Remember when she was a baby in your arms. Treasure each and every day with her. Jesus Christ, lady. There are parents out there who would give anything to have their child home for thanksgiving.
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    Fabulous-Shal... • 2h ago Ok so wait... you have forced a holiday rotation schedule and one child doesn't want to do it. So instead of asking why and really making sure she's OK you want to disinvite her from another fsmimy gathering. Yikes. Great family
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    Irnjrsh • 1h ago • . ESH. Did Clara actually agree to being part of the rotation? She clearly doesn't want to host family events and there's nothing wrong with that. I wouldn't want a bunch of people in my space either! It's a weird hill to di on to completely disinvite your daughter from a holiday that is about spending time with family. I feel like you're being spiteful because she's not conforming to exactly what you want her to do.
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    That being said, Clara needs to set firm boundaries and make it known she is not hosting events rather than agreeing to do so and pawning it off on someone else at the last minute.
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    • According-Rul... 2h ago NTA- if she's not going to contribute in any way shape or form she can feel free to bring nothing including herself. In the past my family rotated who hosted holidays, but it was one person did thanksgiving at their house one year, another person at theirs the next. But everyone brought something. If I'm invited to
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    someone's house for a meal I'm either bringing something or helping. I don't understand the disrespect to do neither. in her case it makes her a not welcome guest in anyone's home. She needs to understand it's ok if she doesn't want to host any of the holidays, then don't expect to continue to be invited.
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    KiriYogi 2h ago • NTA- she thought you were bluffing. You can offer to let her pay for all the food and your time and a house. cleaner or she can't come. She used to cheaping out- it's time she grew up.
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    Molly Rolls 2h ago • • YTA for prioritizing the holiday rotation over the family that's supposed to make holidays worth celebrating. I get that you feel this system is fair, but your daughter clearly doesn't feel able to take on the hosting role you've assigned her. So, what, for that she's out of the family? That sounds normal and healthy to you?
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    . urgasmic ⚫ 1h ago i don't like this tradition at all personally. is there no out here? i would gladly help everyone else with cooking and cleaning. But I won't host people in my home outside of a few people at a time.
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