Parents approaching retirement fund house 36-year-old daughter who never held a steady job, leaving her 29-year-old brother worried about inheriting the responsibility: ‘I have my own life’

36-year-old sister racks up unfinished classes and short-lived jobs while her parents foot every bill and let her hang around for years, confident someone else will handle the mess when retirement rolls in. Days blend into each other with routines built around scrolling and sleeping, and every fresh start funded by a parental safety net already stretched thin.

So it's pretty understandable why her 29-year-old brother starts to worry as he watches the timeline shrink, knowing the retirement countdown means the handoffs are coming. The family plan has always been hope, patience, and extra cash, but pretty soon those solutions pack up along with the old office desk and pension paperwork. Worry grows that graduation from the bank of mom and dad means getting drafted into a full-time rescue mission, no matter what's going on at home or who gets dragged into the drama.

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  • My [29M] Sister [36F] has never been able to hold a job or get an education. I'm worried she'll be homeless or I'll be forced to support her when our parents [59F][60M] retire.

    An older couple sits in a bright kitchen, with the man looking tired and overwhelmed while reviewing paperwork on his laptop as a concerned woman leans in to comfort him.
    via Davor Geber

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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  • Household solidarity doesn’t last forever, especially when someone refuses to budge past square one. The last thing anyone wants is a lecture on tough love or a surprise guest for indefinite stays, but as retirement gets closer, the stakes get clearer. Every missed opportunity means more guilt and less wiggle room, but sooner or later, being stuck between sacrificing peace and pushing for independence becomes a family tradition nobody wants to inherit.

  • I need some advice. She has never been able to hold a job or get an education.
    via W14x1000
  • We (my parents and I) have been trying to help her out by doing things like helping fund her attempts at getting educated, paying for her tuition for continuing education or college, which she ended up multiple times stopping going, her living rent free with our parents, and encouraging her to get a job, which she's never been able to hold for more than a year.
    via W14x1000
  • I understand she has her own struggles with mental health, but I feel like we're enabling her to continue a life of waking up, using her phone and computer, going back to bed, and repeat.
    via W14x1000
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  • I'm concerned that she'll continue this lifestyle until my parents retire in 5-6 years, and then she'll ask me to take care of her.
    via W14x1000
  • A young woman sits with her arms crossed, looking away in frustration while a man argues beside her and an older woman watches tensely from the background.
    via BearFotos

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • I don't know how to approach that conversation and say that I do not want to support her financially.
    via W14x1000
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  • am willing to help her get her life in order, but I have my own life and I don't want her to leech off me and my girlfriend.
    via W14x1000
  • At the same time though I'm afraid she'll just end up homeless when my parents retire.
    via W14x1000
  • I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Any advice? Is there anything we can do to help her get her life in order?
    via W14x1000
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  • Any supports to ease her into the workforce? Also she refuses to volunteer because she thinks it's a waste of her time, even though it would make her more more employable, at least with part time jobs.
    via W14x1000
  • TL;DR My older sister isn't doing anything with her life and my parents who have been helping her not be homeless, will be retired in 6 years.
    via W14x1000
  • Need advice.
    via W14x1000
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  • Western-Breadfruit71 Let her know that you won't be an option. You all have enabled her. If her mental health is so bad she should be getting professional help. But beyond that, your parents need to start charging her rent, stop paying for her phone and anything else that is not critical to stay alive. Make her show them the jobs she's applying for daily....
    via W14x1000
  • OP W14x1000 I'm going to tell her that I won't be her caretaker when they retire. I'll set that boundary with her
    via W14x1000
  • crystallz2000 I was in a similar place, and what we did is no one bailed her out. No one paid for her phone. No one paid for her internet. No one paid for her gas. No one brought her out places. And guess what? She got a job and started paying for her own stuff. It's not a great job. It probably won't help her retire, but baby steps are good when you're dealing with someone with mental health issues. But you guys have to stop enabling her. Your parents need to start charging her rent or kick her
    via W14x1000
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  • OP W14x1000 I'll talk to them about this, better rip off the bandaid now than later
    via W14x1000
  • Yta: transferingtoearth Helping her is letting her tantrum on her own time but holding firm boundaries. Helping her is with setting up meal plans, driving her to professionals, hearing her rant.
    via W14x1000
  • OP W14x1000 I'm asking for advice on what to do, not trying to morally justify anything?
    via W14x1000
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  • maricopa888 I feel like we're enabling her That's because you are enabling her, but most of this is on your parents. It's actually a form of neglect, because the biggest job of a parent is to teach their child how to be an adult. Right now, she's living like a 15 year old and that is on them for allowing it. If I were you, I'd talk to the parents first and lay all of this out. There are lots of loving and kind ways to do it, but you need to be firm. They need to establish house rules relating to
    via W14x1000
  • AutoModerator Welcome to /r/relationshipadvice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings. *Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc w
    via W14x1000
  • Chipchop666 You're not her savior. Your parents encouraged this behavior by not having her face consequences. Talk to your parents honestly. Tell them you have no intention of supporting and taking care of her.
    via W14x1000
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  • carlorway My husband's sister is 55 and has never had decent employment. She is on divorce #4. If she ends up homeless, that is on her. We will not provide for her. She made those choices.
    via W14x1000
  • Ancient-Actuator7443 This is not your problem. Tell your sister that you will be unable to help. If her mental health issues are serous enough to cause her to be homeless, make sure she is signed up for any program the state and city has to help keep her on track and
    via W14x1000

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