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40 Quirky Tweets Of Varying Freshness

It's amazing what the geniuses who tweet can convey in just 280 characters. It's also incredible that it takes many, many less characters to convey how many stupid people have access toTwitter. We're choosing to focus on the clever, funny, and downright quirky tweets that the site has to offer. 

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  • 1
    Text - chuuch @ch000ch hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it 1:08 PM 10/19/13 Twitter for iPad
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  • 2
    Text - rob delaney @robdelaney "Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on Screen 12:23 PM 6/5/12 Tweetbot for iOS 7,390 Retweets 12K Likes
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  • 3
    Text - Consider John Frazzled @FrazzleMyGimp FLIGHT ATTENDANT: The pilot is dead! Can anyone fly a plane!? ME: I have a pilots license! [everyone exhales in relief] ME: I stole it from the pilot after l murdered him. 2:29 PM 2/24/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 4
    Text - EX @EchoXrayMusic Ihate when the old folks are at the gym. Stop hogging the 5lb pink dumbbells Delores I'm trying to get shredded 14:32 6/11/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 5
    Flag - Tim Long @mrtimlong So THIS is how I find out Grimace died in his sleep last night t
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  • 6
    Text - shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird cast taylor lautner as catwoman you cowards Variety @Variety Robert Pattinson to play "The Batman" for Matt Reeves and Warner Bros. (EXCLUSIVE) bit.ly/2Q40ZSK
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  • 7
    Text - everett byram @rad_milk oh you're calling me gay just because i dress exactly like gaston from beauty and the beast every day? must i remind you how many eggs he could eat 7:07 PM 4/7/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 8
    Text - rob delaney @robdelaney Pee is diet cum 1:38 PM 3/5/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 9
    Text - flappy @funflaps when you're watching a Paddington movie and you see Paddington Kim Kardashian West @KimKardashian He's here and he's perfect! 4:12 PM 5/11/19 Twitter for Android 67 Retweets 380 Likes
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  • 10
    Text - jen merritt!!! @jennifermerr boys keep telling me I'm "tight" during sex and I'm getting real tired of explaining every single time that it's because I'm a VIRGIN 1:01 PM 9/23/18 Twitter for iPhone . 33.5K Retweets 251K Likes jen merritt!!! @jennifermerr 9/23/18 Replying to @jennifermerr I am sorry for tweeting this on the lord's day 9,026 1.187 16
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  • 11
    Text - DNGNJosh Gondelman @joshgondelman WEKNIGHT OSH GONDE MAN 90% of professional hockey players look like even if hockey didn't exist, they'd still be hanging out and fist- fighting on frozen lakes. 11:11 PM 6/1/19 Twitter for iPhone 876 Retweets 9,045 Likes
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  • 12
    Horse - Fred Delicious @Fred_Delicious Happy 2nd anniversary to the time Mike Pence fucked a horse Vice President Mike Pence @VP Outstanding afternoon. "I've often said there's nothing better for the inside of a man than the outside of a horse." -Pres. Reagan #VPinMT
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  • 13
    Text - Carly Danger @carlyken Idon't need to go to Christian Mingle to find God's match for me because l already know it's pizza 7:07 PM 5/7/19 Twitter for iPhone 129 Retweets 439 Likes
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  • 14
    Text - Andy Richter @AndyRichter Iam no theologian, but I've always found it weird that Jesus's middle name is Fucking 11:44 AM 4/11/19 Twitter for iPhone 3,886 Retweets 33.3K Likes
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  • 15
    Text - Cullen @HelloCullen Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards? 10:48 AM 3/5/19 Twitter for Android 9,968 Retweets 68.4K Likes
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  • 16
    Text - crazy for (don) swayze @maggieserota "i'm the baby. gotta love me." 4:15 PM 5/1/19 Twitter Web Client 5,784 Retweets 40.9K Likes
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  • 17
    Text - batkaren @batkaren [watching a unicorn fart and not seeing a cloud of sparkles come out her ass] "Oh.." I say, my lips pressing flat, the corners turning down. "Okay." 1:29 PM 4/24/19 Twitter Web Client
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  • 18
    Text - llama @LlamalnaTux me: can I play some music uber driver: sure me: *pulling out my tuba* dou like veggie tales 10:10 PM 4/6/19 Twitter for Android 35K Retweets 203K Likes
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  • 19
    Text - Kyle @KylePlantEmoji Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment? Mе: Prof: Me: it took him a couple bytes 1:08 PM 4/8/19 Twitter for Android
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  • 20
    Text - Anica Cihla @AnicaCihla eminem's rap god, except every time he says "god" it's replaced with goofy's "gawrsh" 3:34 PM 3/11/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 21
    Text - claire @clairedaniellem yo i hate honors college boys i just asked this guy "hey why aren't koalas considered bears?" and he hits me with "they're marsupials" shut up nerd the answer to the joke is "they don't have the koalafications" 11:07 PM 7/21/18 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 22
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  • 23
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  • 24
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  • 25
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  • 26
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  • 27
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  • 28
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  • 29
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  • 31
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  • 32
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  • 33
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  • 34
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  • 35
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  • 38
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  • 39
    Text - andrew @AndrewChamings wife: [watching the news] some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium me: [covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick
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  • 40
    Text - Patrick Monahan @pattymo Gun Accidentally Fired In Arby's Endless Jeopardy @EndlessJeopardy FLORIDA HAS THIS 5-WORD MOTTO RULES: Respond within 15 minutes of this post. Five winners will be chosen based on Likes. Remember, your response must be phrased In the form of a question. 12:30 PM 6/14/19 Twitter for iPhone 3,388 Retweets 30.3K Likes
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