I Can Has Cheezburger? Newsletter

The Fluffington Post Brings Readers Breaking News Stories From The Animal Kingdom

  • 1

    Leaf Hat Blocks CIA Mind Control, Says Squirrel


    The CIA has a mind control program that uses high powered microwaves to peer into your brain and steal your thoughts. At least, that's what one local squirrel believes. 

    According to a series of posts the squirrel made on Reddit, the CIA has been running this program since the mid-seventies, and in addition to mind reading, the government is also using it to control people's thoughts. The squirrel claims that the CIA's microwave antennas can be used to inject ideas directly into anyone's head, causing them to believe things they wouldn't normally believe.

    But he has an ingenious and low-cost solution: microwave-blocking leaf hats. When asked to comment on the squirrel's theory, area park ranger Gerry Collins said, "Yeah, that's just a leaf. It doesn't do anything. That squirrel is crazy, man."

    The Fluffington Post has reached out to the squirrel for more details about the CIA program, as well as the source of his information. We'll update this post if and when we hear back.

    via: Notbob1234.

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  • 2

    Dog Remains Unconvinced Mystery Noise Is “House Settling”


    It happened late on Friday evening. Ned the dog was minding his own business, chewing on some Dentastix, when he heard a sudden, loud creaking noise coming from upstairs.

    Sources close to the situation tell The Fluffington Post that Ned immediately jumped up and began barking hysterically.

    "He was going for near on 30 minutes," said neighbor Connor Pilcher. "I didn't hear what set him off, on account of I live next door, but boy did I hear him bark. Just barked bloody murder for a good long time. 30 minutes at least, like I said."

    Family members were eventually able to quiet Ned, and a subsequent investigation found that the noise he heard was just the house settling. Ned isn't convinced of that assessment.

    "He's not buying that for one minute," said Sarah Fleuger, a lawyer speaking on behalf of the dog. "Houses don't just 'settle' … this was clearly a provocation and we're looking into our legal options. Ned suffered a significant trauma and he hasn't be able to get comfortable on his doggie bed since."

    Via woofshark.

  • 3

    Wikileaks Document Dump Reveals Secret CIA Raccoon Spy Program


    Wikileaks has released a trove of documents containing details of CIA hacking tools and surveillance initiatives, among them, a top secret domestic spy program code named RocketEars, that enlists raccoons as listeners. 

    Security experts and journalists have been poring over the cache of leaked documents, collectively known as "Vault 7," since Tuesday. Many explain security exploits used in consumer electronics like iPhones and Samsung TVs, which can be used to spy on targets. But the raccoon program is particularly strange.

    "No one would ever suspect the raccoon rummaging through your backyard trash is working for the CIA," says Dennis O'Conner, a security analyst and former consultant to the U.S. intelligence services. "It's a perfect secret program. But what we don't understand yet is how the raccoons communicate their surveillance back to base. They're not the most reliable reporters." The Fluffington Post will update this story as it develops.

    via: Marslettuce

  • 4

    Cat Is Fourth Pet To Resign From White House In A Year


    Waffles the cat, who joined the White House as senior national security kitten in October, has resigned. Maggie Haberman of the New York Times broke the story overnight. 

    This is the fourth major pet departure from the White House in just over a year. A few months ago, Waffles replaced Whiskers, who left abruptly after reports surfaced that she had spent $24,000 on a new litter box for her office.

    "Waffles was supposed to be a steadying force in the White House," said Alan Cockrell, a senior policy fellow at the Council on Foreign Relations. "Where Whiskers had a reputation as a no-holds-barred, chase-every-laser-pointer-she-sees kind of kitty, Waffles was known to have a more of a 'find a good sun spot an take a nap' kind of disposition." 

    His departure from the administration is unexpected, but not totally surprising. "Pets just haven't lasted long in this administration," said Cockrell. "It's a fairly chaotic place and these cats can find better opportunities in the private sector."

    Simon & Schuster has reportedly offered Waffles a seven-figure book deal.

    Via danrah.

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  • 5

    Move Over, GPS: This Sheep Is A Professional Backseat Driver


    In the gig economy, Uber, Lyft and TaskRabbit are ubiquitous brands. But Flock is trotting up on their heels. And a few enterprising sheep have been able to make a living as freelance backseat drivers. 

    "Let's say you forgot your car GPS," says Henry Erstwhile, a spokesperson for the up-and-coming app. "Just open Flock and find a sheep near you who can hop into the back seat. Tell her where you're headed and she'll bleat the way." One "baa" for a right turn, two "baas" for a left.

    It may seem a little counter-intuitive at first. If you have your smartphone in hand, why not use a navigation app rather than go to the trouble of loading a sheep into your car? "Admittedly there are still a few kinks to work out," says Erstwhile. "We're hiring more engineers." Industry analysts estimate Flock is already worth $12 billion.

    via: Jamie Baldanza.

  • 6

    Area Cat Has Serious Case Of The Mondays


    There's only one thing Millie the cat hates more than the vacuum, and that's Monday morning. After a long weekend spent sleeping, napping, grooming, preening, sleeping, and napping, the last thing Millie wants to do is drag herself out of bed. 

    "I mean, I get it, none of us like getting out of a warm bed and trudging off to work," said roommate Carly Hutchison. "But that's the thing: Mille is a cat. She doesn't go to work." 

    Hutchison said an average Monday for the kitty is a lot like any other day: lots of sleeping and napping packed around eating and stretching. Still… this cat is clearly ready to go back to bed.


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  • 7

    Kitten Regrets Ignoring Order Not To Climb On Couch


    A case of instant regret has hit Otto, a kitten from Grand Forks, ND, who defied his mom's order not to climb on the couch. Sources close to the situation tell The Fluffington Post that Otto was repeatedly told not to climb on the furniture, including the couch.

    "He's been in this sort of situation before, though not so dire," said neighbor Tobias Thrush. "One time he got stuck in a fruit bowl on the dining room table, and another time he climbed up to the third level of a bookshelf and couldn't figure out how to get down."

    Otto was discovered in the couch by his roommate at 8:21AM local time and the fire department was called. He was freed shortly after nine o'clock, and is resting comfortably (not on the couch).

    Via RespectMyAuthoriteh.

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  • 8

    Guillermo Del Toro’s Next Movie, “The Shape Of Cats,” Is A Go


    Fresh off his Oscar win for "The Shape of Water," writer/director Guillermo del Toro has reportedly secured funding for a sequel called, "The Shape of Cats." 

    According to Deadline.com, del Toro has began writing the movie while making "Pacific Rim," but decided to hold off until he felt special effects technology was up to the task of matching his vision. "The Shape of Cats" will begin shooting this summer in Georgia and distributors are already lining up to bid for it. 

    "Once you have an Academy Award you can pretty much do what you want," said film critic Layla Vega. "Del Toro is hot right now, and when you marry his name to a subject as timeless as cats… lookout. This could be the biggest film of 2019."

    Via: Disasters.


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