Alex_Devere

Dad: (asleep) How much do you weigh? We're all going to live underwater! Me: (laughing) What? D...

Mom: I dreamt I was on a river and you and your brother and dad got chopped up by a helicopter. ...

Me: Mom, my boyfriend broke up with me. Mom: all the good ones are gay- (at this point she is c...

Mom: When you were a baby I swear I'd take a bullet for you in the blink of an eye... Now you're ...