Elisah

(Dad is making repairs at my apartment and I'm helping.) Dad: Here, hold this (puts something in...

(three hours into an 8 hour drive, out of NOWHERE.) Mom: Birds are so weird. They don't have arms.

(My parents were making salsa all day and were hungry.) Dad: So what are we going to do about lu...

(I'm a lesbian. This was the first time my mom had met a girlfriend of mine.) Mom: So, are you g...

(I'm trying to teach my mom how to play Super Smash Bros Brawl. She uses Snake. At the end of the...

Me: Mom did you ever do cocaine? Mom: I did it once on accident. Me: (Laughing) How do you do i...

Me: So, how much snow did y'all get? Dad: I don't know, but your mom got 6 inches last night.

Dad: Why aren't you making me lots of money like Justin Bieber? Sister: Dad, everyone hates the ...

(Me, to my sister, who couldn't find her phone): It's right there, you dildo! Grandma: What's a ...

(Mother, noticing conspicuous mark on my neck): Is that a HICKEY? Me: Mom! Not in public! Mothe...

Mum: Don't hurt your brother while I'm gone! Wait until I get back so I can see what happens.

(When I was about six, my dad took out a sumac tree in the back yard) Me: Are you going to leave...