Fie1992

(when we're deciding what to name our very first two chickens.) Dad:Ok, that ones Lunch and that...

Mom: Be good. If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, name it after me.

Me: But you wrote it wrong! Dad: Go emo.

Texting dad. Me: Hi, how are you guys doing? Dad: Hi, honey, having fun! Dog rolled in pile of ...

My grandma sitting on the couch with my dog. Mum: "The dogs aren't allowed on the couch mum." N...

Dad - And I picked up this Granola Oil Me - You mean Canola Oil? Mom - Out of the millions of s...

(Talking to Dad, a former Marine) Me: Dad, are the Marines a branch in the Navy? Dad: Amanda,...

Mom: I have to pee, so no one go near the bathroom. Dad: But, I have an appointment for 2:52! M...

[My dad is arab so his English isn't perfect - it's pretty good.. but not great...] Dad: So b...

Dad:son, did you know an avergae female breast weighs about 3 pounds? Me: no i did not Dad:Do y...

Grandma: Ohhh, a hair dryer for Christmas thanks so much, dear! Me: You're welcome. Grandma: ...

Mom (after I answered "I dont remember" to her question) - Your memory is as long as your penis!

Dad: Actually, your life insurance is worth more than mine and mom's, and since you don't work, y...

Mom: Do you want some Tylenol? Son: Nah, I took some pills dad gave me. Mom: Did you ask what t...

Mum (over msn to me): I have a problem, I changed my homepage to facebook and now I don't know ho...

(Discussing my trip to Costa Rica) Sister: Bring me back a monkey! Me: That's kind of illegal. ...

my boyfriends dad, while shooting the cat with a nerf gun :"dont scare the kitty, he won't lay an...

(My Mum was shocked that my little sister had got drunk while at university) Me: Don't tell me t...

Mom: What is cod? Me: Cod? Mom: It's a game or something. Me: You mean C.O.D.? Call of duty? ...

Mom: Stop playing with your belly button! You're going to get a job working on a pole!

Me: I got a poster of Greece for my office cube. Mom: Oh Honey! John Travolta and Olivia Newton-...

Me: Oh, f*ck... Mom: Dina! Watch your mouth! Grandma: Hey now...if she's old enough to do it, s...

Dad: When not on a bus in Peru you have to hike and the entire trip is over 8000' elevation. me:...

(while shoppong for perfume for my mom and getting a lady who works there to help us) lady: here...

Me: I always wanted a pet moose. Mother: Go to Australia then. That's where all the meese come f...

Walking by the living room as Dad farts. Mom: Oh my God, I can smell that through my nose! Dad:...

Me: History was awful today. The teacher was late so Rose got up and started teaching us about Ju...

Before you instinctively try to catch something, remember that it is covered in liquid hot-glue. ...

1. When you're in chemistry class and you want to know if there's ammonia in your test tube, DON'...

Remember that while wearing headphones you can't hear yourself fart but everyone at work can and ...