The latest from IcanHAZtitties
(Mom and sister were watching Olympic figure skating and someone did a triple loop.) Mom: I love that move! I think it's called a half camel-toe or something. Sister: Mom, trust me, I've seen a half camel-toe and that ain't it.
(My Mom and I are at the bank. Mom walks up to the bank manager.) Manager: How can I help you today? Mom: (looks around carefully) I need to withdraw you-know-what from vault you-know-where. Manager: (Looks around too and nods) Of course, but we must keep our voices low otherwise the muggles will hear us. Me: Am I going to Hogwarts?! Mom and Manager: SHUT UP!!!
Trying to convince your new boyfriend that your 13 year-old Pomeranian is harmless? Your dog will take that as his cue to chase down and viciously maim a wild rabbit. You will then learn that rabbits can in fact let loose a bloodcurdling scream. That noise will forever haunt your nightmares. #LFMF
I started reading the comments on a Yahoo.com news story about fossils and evolution. #LFMF
Do not let your wife find out that your very private, personal and secret nickname for her is "Chipmunk Face."
Running into a glass door that is spotlessly clean and thus appears to be open can be made worse when you fall to the ground and laugh so hard you pee your pants. At work. #LFMF
Mother: (Leaving the house) No parties, no boys... Me: Why boys? Mother: I don't know. Me: Can I have camels? Mother: Absolutely. Me: Awesome.
(After we were caught speeding and the policeman went to write down the ticket) Policeman: Well, it seems that I don't have any free space to write your fine down on, so I'll let you go Dad: You're seriously telling me that your not prepared for performing your job? Who's your superior? I'm gonna report you!
My drunken dad's addition to a family member's wedding guestbook: Had a wonderful night, you are a wonderful couple. Don't make the same mistake I did. Sincerely, Judas Iscariot
