IcanHAZtitties

(Mom and sister were watching Olympic figure skating and someone did a triple loop.) Mom: I love...

(My Mom and I are at the bank. Mom walks up to the bank manager.) Manager: How can I help you to...

Trying to convince your new boyfriend that your 13 year-old Pomeranian is harmless? Your dog will...

I started reading the comments on a Yahoo.com news story about fossils and evolution. #LFMF

Do not let your wife find out that your very private, personal and secret nickname for her is "Ch...

Running into a glass door that is spotlessly clean and thus appears to be open can be made worse ...

Mother: (Leaving the house) No parties, no boys... Me: Why boys? Mother: I don't know. Me: Can...

(After we were caught speeding and the policeman went to write down the ticket) Policeman: Well,...

My drunken dad's addition to a family member's wedding guestbook: Had a wonderful night, you are ...

Dad: Sex requires a helmet and knee pads and body armour and a spatula and water wings and a turt...

(My little brother ran into a grumpy old man at the train station.) Brother: Sorry... Old man: ...

(Discussing getting a 4th tattoo) Me: You know I'm 18 so "technically" I don't have to have you'...

Me: Mom, do you want to watch the Office with me? Mom: No. Me: Please? Mom: Shut the hell up o...

(While having a girls night with friends and my mom) Me: Let's get some tequila! Mom: Oh no, Mo...

The laundry room gas line is fine. When you were there an hour ago, you farted. #LFMF

Don't talk to your dog while it is sniffing your face. You will be french kissed. #LFMF

Your friend pretending to shoot you with your sister's pepper spray? He undid the safety switch. ...

Regardless how nice the new soap in the work bathroom smells, resist the temptation to take a sne...

Good Idea - Becoming good friends with your boss Better Idea - Becoming great friends with your ...

When getting home from work to find your wife bent over the kitchen table prepairing food, ensure...

When trying to convince your sister that you're not drunk, telling her that you can't even count ...

Never play tag with your 120 pound dog. The dog will win, it will hurt. #LFMF

When, after only 2 days at your new job, you’re washing your hands in the toilets and suddenly yo...

Dad: Vegetables? That's what food eats.

Dad: Tell me honestly, did that boy come over while we were gone? Me: Honestly? Yes... Dad:(sla...