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Dad: I just took a huge poop. It must be at least a foot long. Come see.

8 year old brother: dad lets take over the world. Dad: i don't have any money right now

(Mom out walking dog) New neighbour: My, you have a big dog! What do you feed him? Mom: Small c...

(Mom parallel parks on a street) Mom: Am I close enough to the curb? Me: (looks down out open...

Mom: You can smoke marijuana when you get to your sophomore year. And when you do, hook me up. M...

After getting back from Dr's office, the day before my dad's birthday: Me: It's official. I ha...

Me: Can I have a glass of water, Mom? Mom: Do you want a plate or a fork? Me: ....