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(Mom out walking dog) New neighbour: My, you have a big dog! What do you feed him? Mom: Small c...

Mom (who had me at 15): Why do you smell like cologne? Emily: I just hugged Levi. He wears a lot...

Dad (Leaving for School): Alright be good now. And if you can't be good, don't get caught.

88 year old Grandpa: You're not drunk until you have to hold on to the grass to keep from falling...

(Jehovah Witnesses knock on the door) Mom: *answers door to be polite* Dad: HONEY! Come back! T...

Mum: GET DOWN HERE BEFORE I BURY YOU UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS!! I'VE SEEN ENOUGH EPISODES OF NCIS To...