asthesmokeclears

When stealing a laptop with a Pirate Party sticker on it from someone who looks a bit geeky, good...

When your makeup bottle is clogged due to dried makeup, don't squeeze it to try and get the makeu...

When you find out that coffee creamer is flammable never use all of your mothers favorite kind. S...

Never attempt to amuse yourself by flicking a sleeping cat's ear until it swipes at you. You may ...

Good idea: going to the pool with your friends Bad idea: staying there so long that your eyes tu...

when you're jumping on your kingsized trampoline your sis got for her birthday, DO NOT DO SO AFTE...

Black interior looks really nice in your red car. It also holds heat quite well. You live in Geor...

It doesn't matter if you're a lesbian. Your best guy friend's girlfriend WILL become jealous and ...

When cleaning your daughter's bedroom and hastily removing the large pile of stuffed animals in t...

If you work in a healthcare setting, do not *ever* pull a plug from a wall socket before checking...

NEVER sing along to Nirvana's "Rape Me" on your mp3. There is no explaining it. #LFMF

When telling someone you're a Communist, make sure that they are not a McCarthyist or else they w...

Just because it is in a small glass doesn't mean it's meant to be drunk like a shot. #LFMF

If you feel it's about time to empty your camera, just do it. Otherwise, those embarrassing mirro...

Tried to log onto CIA website. Computer shut down. Sheer panic. Turns out cable fell out. #LFMF

TRY to remember when school picture day is. Otherwise you will be stuck eternally in the yearbook...

The proper order of things is start dating, have sex, then move in together. Do not reverse this...

Never wear a kilt in the traditional way while riding a moped through a school zone #LFMF

If you're insecure about your relationship with your totally cute new girlfriend, don't take it o...

If your sister is a Twihard and you plan on giving her a movie poster for her birthday either A:...

When finding out that you will be dissecting parasitic worms in science class tomorrow, CHECK THE...

When using a submersible blender to make your child a milk shake, unplug it before attempting to ...

Never refer to anything on a woman as "mannish." She will show you her "mannish" right hook. #LFMF

Never lay down on your couch and throw your 1 year old puppy playful in the air above your face. ...

If you're at a company picnic and standing next to the asian salad someone brought, don't say "So...

When sending an email to your geology professor, remember "libido" is the sex drive. "Albedo" is ...

If you own a cat who likes to eat the heads off of mice and then let them lie on the ground as a ...

When you're walking backwards and you hear your friend's dad says "boink", don't keep walking. Yo...

Never ironically shout out "WHERES THE DRUGS ALREADY!" When you are on a crowded train station. P...

When frying potatoes in a skillet with oil, ALWAYS remember to wear pants. #LFMF