cuzwedandandan

Mom: The pudding knows your secrets. It sees what you did there. Me: Mom, we don't have any pudd...

(Mom opens up the freezer and something falls out) Me: Mom? Is the freezer attacking you? Dad: ...

make sure no one is behind the door you just dramatically kicked open they will be pissed and you...

When at the midnight release of Harry Potter, it’s not a good idea to laugh hysterically at somet...

When playing Pokemon and levelling up your characters around the 45-50 bracket remember to save i...

Unless you're in the mood for some serious depression, don't watch old disney movies. You will cr...

While on a long haul flight, don't watch Marley and Me. You may think that you are being quiet wh...

Never tell anyone that you've never seen any of the Harry Potter movies. You will be shunned. #LFMF

When traveling in the southern US, don't get a haircut at a barber shop. They will put a mullet s...

Sniffing pepper does not make you sneeze like in the cartoons. It does however cause mind numbing...

Never and I mean NEVER jump off the top bunk of a bunkbed with an umbrella to be like Mary Poppin...

If you're a teacher who has just finished participating in a long and exhausting school fair, and...

(Talking about a baseball player & watching a game) Mom: that boy needs food, he looks like a ch...

Brother: Who's cooking supper? Me: I dunno. Dad: The oven.

(My mom talking about the size of my chest while trying on clothes.) Mom: Good God, look at thos...

(It's the day before I leave for college, and I was saying goodbye to my boyfriend's family) His...

Mom: You know I hate glitter. Glitter is the herpes of the craft world.

Me: How do they make almond milk? It's pretty good Dad: Almonds have nipples?

Dad: Is your friend Rosie going back to Hawaii for Christmas? Me: Yeah. Dad: Boy, that'd be o...

Mom: How do these people get in the magazine if they've only lost 15 pounds? It's stupid. Mom's ...

Uncle (about to do something really dangerous): Patrick... If something happens to me... I want y...

Mom: That's why we have kids. You appreciated my humor when you were little. Ten years later, y...

Me: (looking at arm) Man, why do I always have so many cuts on my arms? Mom: Probably because I ...

Me: Yeah, Mum, Daniel's in Romania. Mum: What is he doing, hunting dragons?

Mom: Hufflepuff is my favorite! Me: Thats where all the unwanted children go. Mom: That's where...

(We just got a new puppy and Dad is holding a dog treat.) Dad: tell the puppy to sit. Me: Sit. ...