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(My father walked in the front door and left it open) Me: What? You born in a tent? Dad: No, b...

(On the phone with Dunkin Donuts) Mom: Give me a Camden County police officer! And don't tell me...

Dad: You really should learn to speak proper English like what I does.

Dad: (asleep) How much do you weigh? We're all going to live underwater! Me: (laughing) What? D...

My Mom: I want to get a tattoo. Friend: I have a tattoo of a rose on my hip because my maiden na...

Dad: I tell all my friends, having a lesbian daughter is awesome. You get all the hunting trips a...

Mom: We need to talk. Me: Okay. What about? Mom: I heard from a friend of mine about a new drug...

(Meeting my girlfriend) Dad: Jesus! You look like a witch. Girlfriend: I am a Wiccan, not a wit...

Me: it's really soft. Mom: Like the tip of a penis. Me: what?! Mom: the velvety feel of the ti...