jacen_solo_30

(My wife and I going to the hospital while she's in labor.) Me: Excuse me, my wife is in labor. ...

(After my 4-year-old got in trouble she came up to her father.) 4yr old: Am I on the naughty lis...

(My dad and I were having a post-Thanksgiving dinner farting contest. It was getting progressivel...

(After fetching Gramma's mail): Me: You got another funeral home ad. Gramma: Again? I got 3 yes...

Dad: Your mom has been feeling kinda old lately. Can you take her out, and show her a good time? ...

(Dad hits rumble strips while driving.) Me: What are those for? dad: That's how blind people dr...

(My Mom was driving me to the local park, so that I could have a walk around.) Mom: Are you sure...

(After I had just made a joke about my dad.) Dad: If I wanted s**t from you, I'd crack your skul...

Dad: Why aren't you making me lots of money like Justin Bieber? Sister: Dad, everyone hates the ...

(I'm four months pregnant. My husband and I were watching a movie with my parents. My husband was...

Mum: Don't hurt your brother while I'm gone! Wait until I get back so I can see what happens.

(My mother is dusting and an ad for an electric duster comes on TV) Father: We should get you on...

Me: Was I an accident, mom? Mom: I prefer the term "welcome surprise," but same idea.

(Calling my mom) Mom: Hey I was just talking about you! Me: All bad stuff, I'm sure. Mom: Nope...

(Me and mum were just sitting quietly in the family room when all of a sudden she farts really lo...

Mom: I wonder what's taking Grandma so long? Shouldn't she be here by now? Me (jokingly): Maybe ...

(My dad had surgery on his wrist for carpal-tunnel and he's in the hospital.) Nurse: Hey, you're...

Me (to dad standign on a ladder to fix the roof): If you see another wasp's nest tell me so I can...

(The family was going to see Santa Claus and my mom was trying to get my youngest sister to guess...

Me: Mom, was I immaculately conceived? Mom: No, it was pretty messy if I remember correctly.

(Telling my mum of a clip I had watched on Youtube.) Me: Two guys said that the only proof neede...

Mom: I’m going to sleep in my underwear. Dad: Is that a threat?

(Mom and sister were watching Olympic figure skating and someone did a triple loop.) Mom: I love...

Uncle: I want a pet owl. Me: Why...? Uncle: They are so cute, and they eat mice, and they are a...

Me: (Watching Mom make dinner.) How do you make spaghetti? Mom: Well, it all starts when a man a...

Me: So I read that mama dogs lick their babies to stimulate them to pee, so I rubbed my puppy's b...

Mom: Did you hear about that actress who go stabbed? Me: No, who? Mom: Reese something.... Me:...

(Handing a fork to my dad while making fajitas) Dad: (slaps me with a tortilla) The fajitas defy...

Dad: Wasn't that Yunkin? Me: What? Dad: Yunkin. Yunkin McDoogan? Me: Ewan McGregor? Dad: Yes,...