narwals

Dad: What are you doing with all that money? Grandma: Oh, paying income tax and buying heroine...

Me: Do you want me to put your Snickers in the fridge? Grandma: What? Do you want me to put arse...

Mom (watching a football game): I'm changing the rules. I'm drunk, I can do that.

Me: Can I go rollerblading? Mom: Don't fall, don't die, and don't get hit by a bus. Me: Can I g...

Dad: Hey Sue, they're having Bob's funeral tomorrow. Mom: He died? Dad: Well, I hope so!

(After i painted my room blue) Mom: Painting aint easy. Like pimpin', pimpin' ain't easy.

Mom: I'm giving you this credit card for emergencies only. Don't go buying dinner for everyone, d...

(While examining a colorful rock she found:) Mom: This rock makes me want to fart.

(Dad channel surfing) Me: What show was that? Dad: Fat people having sex. Mom: What makes tha...

Dad:"She's bi-sexual? Hmm, well at least she's keeping her options open."

My mom about pedicure: Mom:"Oh I see you're giving yourself a pedicure." Me: "Yup!" Mom: "OHH...

Grandma: "I had terrible bipolar, but I put up with it because the highs were terrific"

Dad: (coming into the kitchen as I was making dinner) "Why does it smell like p*ssy in here?" Me...

My Grandmother (speaking of her deceased brother): "Gosh he was an idiot. Well, I guess he's STI...

Mom: I'm going back upstairs to watch my murders.

Mom: I know you enjoy the finer things in life like your cell phone, the internet, and breathing,...

Mom: I'm sorry we were fighting. Wanna know how cat's have sex?

Mom: I would NEVER put a mouse in the dryer! Me: Well why would you put one in the washer then? ...

Grandpa: Those damn Caucasians are so loud at night! Me: You mean cicadas? Grandpa: Yeah, whate...

(My parents were going away for a week) Mum: Now I don't want any boys staying over while we're ...

(Explaining HIV/AIDS) Mom: It's a disease that you get if you don't listen to your parents.

Mom: If you're going to try pot, don't do it while driving. The lamp-posts look like suicide.

Grandma: If you see the river, turn around. TURN AROUND. DON'T EVEN LOOK AT IT.

Me: Which would you give up if you absolutely had to: cigarettes or coffee? Dad: Your Mother.

Me: I finished "Fear and Loathing" earlier today. Dad: Good, I can trust you with drugs now.

(After I knocked on the door of the apartment) Dad: Come back in ten minutes, I wanna finish th...

Dad: So Kaitlyn didn't dump you at prom? Me: No. Dad: Poor girl.

Mom: I dreamt I was on a river and you and your brother and dad got chopped up by a helicopter. ...

Mom: I would never divorce your father. I'd just kill him and bury him in the backyard.

Me: Can I have a bite of your cheesecake? Mom: No, stop asking. I gave you life, now leave me al...