nik8

Mother: (Leaving the house) No parties, no boys... Me: Why boys? Mother: I don't know. Me: Can...

Dad: Sex requires a helmet and knee pads and body armour and a spatula and water wings and a turt...

(Me and my mom were disscusing drugs) Me: So Mom, when was that last time you smoked weed? Mom:...

Grandfather: I got a big hamburger this time. I couldn't eat it all. I always get the little hamb...

(playing a game where we had to name 10 things you take to bed) Me: A pillow, a blanket... Mom:...

Mom (to my date when he arrived to pick me up): Have fun! But if she misbehaves, you can spank her.

(Via a text from my dad at 2 AM) Dad: If mom asks about the cookies, you ate them

Me: Mom, why is beer so weak in the States? Mom: So you can sell it to kids.

Uncle: Hey, knock-knock. Me: ...Who's there? Uncle: Go f**k yourself.

Me: Hey Mom, I learned how to say "breakfast" in Russian! Mom: Vodka?

(Dad trying to learn how to use his new Smartphone) Dad: THIS IS ALMOST AS FRUSTRATING AS LOSING ...

My dad is on the phone with a telemarketer. Mid sentence, he cuts him off: "I'm terribly sorry, b...

(In the car, Because of You comes on the radio) Dad: You know this song? Kelly Clarkson wrote it...

(At an IKEA looking for a bed, overhearing another family) Daughter: I like this one Mom:(shake...

As my mom is talking to some religious people in the doorway, she yells into the living room: "Ho...

Me(9 year old girl): Mom can I have a remote control car? Mom: No you will turn into a lesbian

*I hear this from outside my door* Mom: I am not a whale penis!

Playdate with preschoolers at my house. One kid threw a toy at my kid and then fell over and hu...

(Our cat is diabetic and has to have insulin injections twice a day) Dad: Morning cat, have you ...

(While in a park that has a mechanical metal goat that sucks up trash when you push a button) Me...

Mom: You can each have one cookie My Sister: Her cookie is bigger then my cookie *Father grabs...

Me: I'm so disappointed in myself. Brother: Well, at least we're all on the same page now. Mom:...

Mom: That house has a huge cement wall! Me: Zombie proof. Mom: He has holes in it... Me: Gun h...

(While making crystals in the kitchen for a science experiment) Grandma: What's she doing in the...

Mom: Catholic girls are easy. Me: Didn't you go to Catholic school? Mom: Yes.

Dad: Holy Batnipples, it's cold out. Me: What the...?

Dad: Drugs are too expensive for you to ever do. Me: Ok.... Dad: No seriously! Tobacco and alco...

Mom: Who do you think is easier to raise, girls or boys? Dad: CATS!

Me: I couldn't find my Biology book earlier today. Dad: I couldn't find my pants earlier today.