offline18

*sitting at home having beer with my parents* Dad: come here *does the notion with the finger to...

*I'm 6 and standing in the kitchen with Mom and Dad after a major earthquake* Mom: "Jack! Grab t...

Me: Mom! Have you heard? Judgment Day is May 21st! Mom: I need to dye my hair, need to look good...

(At moms friends sons 1st birthday) Grandma: (Holding baby and happy hes not crying like he usua...

Mom: Good morning my darling tax deduction! Me: uggghuuu mom its way to early go away. Mom: Wel...

My sister to her only non c section kid: You're my vagina baby! You are the reason I have scars d...

(after eating an ice lolly that turns your tongue blue) Mum: Ha! looks like you've just sucked...

*while planing summer vacation* Mom (to dad): Ok, wanna hear the plan? Dad: Not unless it invol...

Mom: (looking out window on rainy day) I wonder what a wet squirrel smells like? Me: Whaaaa?

Mom- I feel like I just lost five pounds in the bathroom! Me- Thanks for letting me know. Mom- ...

Me: Mum, does childbirth hurt? Mum: Yes, it's like s**tting a pineapple.

(While watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition) Lady on T.V.: This room is so beautiful! Now we h...

Mom, via text: Can you come over and mow my lawn today? Me: I already did, while you were at wor...

Dad: Yes, I am going to murder you little ice cream cone, one lick at a time!

Me: The stupid buckle (on backpack) won't buckle. Mom: Well I guess he has one. He has two legs,...