p1k4chu

You know that science report you just turned in... Your computer autocorrected the misspelling on...

If you last name is Lecter, don't call your baby daughter Annabel. Just don't. #LFMcousin'sF

Singing passionately in the shower: good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: not so much. #...

Mom: I love texting. I can send dirty messages to your father! Me: I don't want to hear that. M...

*I just walked into room* Dad: Yes, but lizards don't get sucked into jet engines! Mom: But if ...

Me: Mom, some chick said I might be the father of her kid. Mom: Are you? Me: No, I never slept...

Dad: The doctor says my feet hurt because I have high arches. He says I need to wear high heels. ...

(being hugged by mom) Me: Don't suffocate me! Mom: Shut up and get in my boobs!

Mum and I are talking about a girl I know who is pregnant Me: I have no idea who would sleep w...

Step-dad: Honey, would you love me if I got fat? Mom: As long as you still fit between my legs.

Me: Is that a purple Disney princess band aid? Dad: Yeah! Don't be a hater!