pinky511

Dad: Mojitos are like breasts. One's not enough, three's too much and things get weird, but two.....

(Via a text from my dad at 2 AM) Dad: If mom asks about the cookies, you ate them

Mum: I swallowed something in bed last night. Me: WHAT?!? Mum: It was like a fluff, or something.

Dad: Sex requires a helmet and knee pads and body armour and a spatula and water wings and a turt...

Me: An old guy just asked me to dinner. Dad: And you said no!? Me: Obviously. Dad: That's a f...

(Talking about her doctor's appointment) Dad's Girlfriend: I'm gonna have him look at the thing ...

After some dick stole my phone in middle school and had the nerve to call my mom and tell her I l...

(My Mom and I are at the bank. Mom walks up to the bank manager.) Manager: How can I help you to...

Me: Hey Dad, why did you and mom have me so late in your marriage? Dad: Well, 18 years ago, your...