renaisme

Mom: That's it! You're grounded for two weeks or until you get Tom Cruise in my pants!

Uncle: I want a pet owl. Me: Why...? Uncle: They are so cute, and they eat mice, and they are a...

Me: (Watching Mom make dinner.) How do you make spaghetti? Mom: Well, it all starts when a man a...

Sister: Daddy, before I was born, did you want me to be a boy or a girl? Dad: Sweetie, I didn't ...

(Me and my mom talking about a vampire book we are reading) Mom: This vampire is dead, isn't he?...

(My Mom and I are at the bank. Mom walks up to the bank manager.) Manager: How can I help you to...

Me: So why did you marry mum? Dad: West Brom were knocked out of the FA cup. Me: ... So you got...

Dad: While Mom's away, let's become Amish.

Me: Dad, I'm bi. Dad: Yeah, I know. Me: ?! Dad: You check out more chicks than your boyfriend ...

(three hours into an 8 hour drive, out of NOWHERE.) Mom: Birds are so weird. They don't have arms.

(My dad just got locked in to a parking space and had to tell the offending driver about it.) Te...

(Mom, carrying a broom after she was sweeping the porch): Guess what I was doing? Dad: Going f...

(Talking with my dad.) Me: At least you don't have to think hard to remember my birthday - it's ...

(I'm a lesbian. This was the first time my mom had met a girlfriend of mine.) Mom: So, are you g...

(Mom's method of curing hiccups when I was 5): Just hold your breath until you turn blue and pass...

(While my dad was driving me to my boyfriends house) Me: We are too early, I want to be right o...

(My Dad is teaching me to drive before I got my license.) Dad: Okay, theres things you need to r...

(Sitting with my mom and gram after they were discussing about the boy who had stayed over and ho...

Me: So, how much snow did y'all get? Dad: I don't know, but your mom got 6 inches last night.

(Three year old niece after seeing her baby cousin for the first time): How do the babies come o...

My sister was going through a bad break up, and was very upset. My Southern baptist mother puts ...

(My Mom is opening the mail when she gasps and hides a letter behind her back) Mom: Guess what? ...

(I'm four months pregnant. My husband and I were watching a movie with my parents. My husband was...

Dad: I love watching the Food Network when I'm eating. It's like watching porn when you're f***ing.

Mum: Don't hurt your brother while I'm gone! Wait until I get back so I can see what happens.