terrixo

(In the computer shop) Dad: So... The shop assistant that served you earlier... Was it a he, she...

Uncle: I want a pet owl. Me: Why...? Uncle: They are so cute, and they eat mice, and they are a...

(Me and my mom talking about a vampire book we are reading) Mom: This vampire is dead, isn't he?...

(My Mom and I are at the bank. Mom walks up to the bank manager.) Manager: How can I help you to...

My dad: One day I was in a park, and I saw this person's ass, and I thought "One day I'll marry t...

Brother: I'm gay! Mother: Oh I'm sorry dear, didn't you know? Father: What do you want, a cooki...

Uncle Ralph: (To brother and boyfriend) Did you have sex on my bed? Brother: NO! Why would you t...

while talking about my best friend mom: omg. Emma has a boyfriend me: yeah, I know. mom: aren'...

Dad: So I finally saw a Justin Bieber video. Me: Yeah? Dad: It's like he wants to be a hip-h...

Me: Where's Dad? Mom: He went for a sh*t and the crows got him. Me: ??!

Mom: (looking out window on rainy day) I wonder what a wet squirrel smells like? Me: Whaaaa?

Dad: We will always support you. No matter what. Unless they find a dead hooker in your car with ...

(during a power outage) My little sister: Dad, can I play games on your phone? Dad: Don't touch...

[playing Monopoly with family, Grandma lands on Boardwalk and has to pay a profane sum.] Grandma...

My mother: "You dad won't let me rant. I need to rant!!! I've got, like, "rant constipation" and ...

(A new Sonic just opened up in town) Uncle: We got Sonic's! Hells yeah! Me: Cool! Uncle: I am ...

Dad: Holy Batnipples, it's cold out. Me: What the...?

Me: Dad, you love Kelsey (our puppy) more than you love me. Dad: Well, she loves me more than yo...

(At a restaurant, a song begins to play.) Mom: Who sings this song? She has a really nice voice!...

(On my coming out) Dad: Oh dammit, you're sure? Me: Yeah. Dad: You've slept with a woman and y...

Dad: Son, I am so disappointed in you right now. Brother: What? Why? Dad: When you went off to ...

Me: *looking at dad's new shoes* Jeez, your feet are big! Dad: You know what they say about a ma...

(Drinking with my dad for the first time.) Dad: *Unintelligible muttering.* Me: Dad, you're dru...

(Testing the waters to tell my mom that I'm bisexual) Me: You know, women are much nicer to look...

Mom: "I need to go put my pajamas on." Me: "..You already have em on." Mom: "Oh. Cool!"

Brother: Dad, why do I have a tail bone? Dad: It's where we cut your tail off when we stole you ...

Grandpa is trying to decide what to eat. Aunt: You should make a smoothie. Grandpa: You should ...