The latest from xtabbi
(Being an only child) Me: How do you guys have so much extra money, I never see you go to work? Mom: We sued trojan.
Me: I like your apron. Mum: Its [her boyfriend's] but he's usually naked under it. *Shakes bum* With his wee bum out.
(as I walk into the kitchen and see my parents are somewhat hidden by the open freezer) Mom: I CAN'T GET IT UP! Dad: Just pull on it. (turns out it was an ice cream cake my mom had put on the top shelf of the freezer)
Grandma noticed her cat was pregnant Grandma: (yelling and angy) I'm so sick of everybody having sex around here!
Brother: "Why is your tongue so blue?" Me: "Oh, I had a jolli-" Dad: "She saw the Blue Man Group. It's how she got free tickets." Me: "Dad!"
(walks into the room seeing my step-dad Tom watching the moths on the ceiling) Me: What the hell is he doing? Mom: Sh... Tom sees moths Me: ... you know that's a palindrome Mom: don't you talk to me like that.
Dad:son, did you know an avergae female breast weighs about 3 pounds? Me: no i did not Dad:Do you know how much the average pussy weighs? Me: No. Dad: Step on a scale and find out!
Grandma: Ohhh, a hair dryer for Christmas thanks so much, dear! Me: You're welcome. Grandma: Who wants the first blowjob!?!
Mom (after I answered "I dont remember" to her question) - Your memory is as long as your penis!
Mom: Do you want some Tylenol? Son: Nah, I took some pills dad gave me. Mom: Did you ask what they were? Son: No, why? Mom: You do know your dad grew up in the 60's, right?
(Sister is pregnant with third child) Mom says to sister: You're going to end up like that Octopus Mom!
(Me and my mom discussing a funny radio story we just heard about a guy with a 14in penis) Me: That just sounds really frightening! Mom: Yeah, talk about feeling it in your stomach. Me:..ewww
ME:Mom, all of your friends are kinda stupid. MOM:I would say the same thing about yours, but you dont have any.
(while shoppong for perfume for my mom and getting a lady who works there to help us) lady: here i'll just put some on so you can smell it Dad: that smells nice. Come over here and try some son Me: no thanks Dad: (talking loudly) get over her and smell this women!
Me: I always wanted a pet moose. Mother: Go to Australia then. That's where all the meese come from. Me: ....don't you mean Alaska? Mom: No, Australia. Up by Canada. You know, the cold place. Me: ... Mom: Oh god, wait, did I just say that out loud?
