Twenty-One Tweets For When You Need A Quick Laugh

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andcallmeshirley
Jan 25, 2020 6:08 AM EST

Funny gems from the bird app. Or check out this meme dump filled with randomness.

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  • 01
    Text - Nate Usher @thenatewolf "Tell me the truth, am I out of touch with the common man?" | ask. "Maybe a little," says my butler. I scoff, but my mouth is so full of aged tawny port that I start coughing and almost choke. He pats me on the back a few times. "Don't touch me without your gloves," I wheeze.
    via Nite Nite Time Mini Dump
  • 02
    Text - Trending in Germany Germany 101K Tweets Germany Germany
    via Reddit
  • 03
    Text - clean slate @PleaseBeGneiss ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
    via Nite Nite Time Mini Dump
  • 04
    Text - Steeve again @steeve_again Fun fact: Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel while on his back cause once they're on their shell a turtle can't flip over
    via Nite Nite Time Mini Dump
  • 05
    Text - Nina @Nina_Dattebayo · Dec 29 Gay, Bi, Ugly, Fine, Rich, Poor, Skinny, Fat, Short, Tall, Black, White, Purple, A FRIEND IS A FRIEND! RETWEET if you don't judge! 27 2.3K 2.3K 86 Darkmax204 @darkmax204 Replying to @Nina_Dattebayo Rare footage of me and my Purple friend
    via Reddit
  • 06
    Text - This guy just booed a sprite commercial in the movie theater. Then yells "7up forever" 10:31 PM 20 May 18
    via Reddit
  • 07
    Text - conscious robot @robots_feel [guy who's about to invent parties] *drinking alone* i wish this was worse
    via Nite Nite Time Mini Dump
  • 08
    Text - conscious robot @robots_feel god: these are humans angel: how do they work? god: [rubbing temples] not...not well... 6:10 · 06 Jan 20 · Twitter for Android 454 Retweets 1,955 Likes
    via Nite Nite Time Mini Dump
  • 09
    Text - RainnWilson @rainnwilson 8h .@elonmusk What about a men's fragrance called "Elon?" A musky scent. Get it? Elon MUSK? It could smell of grit, ingenuity and genius with just a hint of insanity & desperation. O 236 O 21.5K 271,035 Buff Mage O @elonmusk · 8h Great idea -Oh my god, okay it's happening, everybody stay calm.
    via Reddit
  • 10
    Text - Myko Clelland @DapperHistorian In 1866 Liechtenstein's last military engagement sent 80 men to war. 81 returned, as they had made a friend. Everyone liked that
    via Reddit
  • 11
    Text - Mom Jeans @momjeansplease [butt dialing my ex] HIM: well well well, look who's come crawling ba- ME: *farts*
    via Nite Nite Time Mini Dump
  • 12
    Text - President Warren G. Harding @PopeAwesomeXIII Me: See? To prove l'm not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo. Her: Oh cool! It's... uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly... Me: Don't touch the thermos tat.
    via Nite Nite Time Mini Dump
  • 13
    Text - Taming Fred Savage @FredTaming me: face down, ass up funeral director: absolutely not
    via Nite Nite Time Mini Dump
  • 14
    Text - Childhood Ruiner @ChildhoodRuiner when you're at make-out reef and she grabs your tentacles KRAKATOA 3/6/17, 4:17 PM
    via Reddit
  • 15
    Text - Daniel Howell @danielhowell old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said 'you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot' guess i'm a roast carrot now
    via Reddit
  • 16
    Text - kyle doesn't smell @KyleSmells [god inventing sleep] god: people can have a little death, as a treat
    via Nite Nite Time Mini Dump
  • 17
    Text - Scottish Scott from Scotland @AScottishScott *touches MC Hammer. *runs away giggling
    via Nite Nite Time Mini Dump
  • 18
    Text - Seia A LA MartyMush @marty_mush Matt Cahill I love getting into cabs and saying to uber trying to shut the driver "f you guys down is a disgrace" and getting them really riled up
    via Reddit
  • 19
    Text - Urvashi @kingfisherontap · 1d Public Service Announcement for men: ARE NOT SHORTS YOU BOXERS CANNOT WEAR THEM OUTSIDE. O 17 27 30 99 పినవ @pnvarma @iAjitPrasad Replying to @kingfisherontap Don't tell us what to wear. Teach the girls not to stare. 12:53 AM 04 Oct 18
    via Reddit
  • 20
    Text - Lindsay @Rollinintheseat Me: "I made a lot of friends today." Mom: "You should invite them over for dinner." Me: "We would have to buy a lot of dog food."
    via Nite Nite Time Mini Dump
  • 21
    Text - MatPat Follow @MatPatGT You had a few typos. I fixed it. "Millennials Are So Motivated They're Taking Classes to Learn The Skills Older Generations Failed to Teach Them" The Daily Caller O @DailyCaller Millennials Are So Helpless They're Taking 'Adulting Classes' To Learn How To Do Things Like Sew A Button trib.al/gTADaHy
    via Reddit

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