Absurd Snail Question Prompts Fabulously Detailed Answer

Author image for Eric Lund
Eric Lund
Aug 15, 2021 1:00 PM EDT

This should be a question they use for job interviews. No more of that "where do you see yourself in 5 years" garbage. It should be "how far from the snail do you see yourself in a millennia?" Of course, the real answer might be another question along the lines of "what's a snail gonna do with a million dollars?" If only we could apply this much energy and creativity to problems in our own lives. For some more impressive moments of creativity, here are stupid items Dungeons and Dragons players exploited to their limits as well as a wholesome story about a grandma who summons a demon.

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  • 01
    Font - You and a super intelligent snail both get 1 million dollars, and you both become immor- tal, however you die if the snail touches you. It always knows where you are and slowly crawls toward you. What's your plan? Discussion 40.3k 10.1k Share A Award BEST COMMENTS dirkson • 2y A S 10 Awards Ok, let's do this.
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  • 02
    Font - First things first - That million dollars is practically worthless compared to immortality. Ever dime of that cash can and should be spent ensuring that the snail never, ever reaches me. First things first, I keep an eye on him. It's tempting to want to hop on a plane or a train and get as far away as possible. But once I do that, he's gone and I'll never see him again until 3am on July 14th, 2072, when the sneaky little cuss slips in the door and slimes onto me before I ever wake up and
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  • 03
    Font - Once the snail is temporarily secured, I ask my friend to carry around the box, never letting it out of their sight, and to prevent its opening with as much force as is required. We arrive at some reasonable figure for this service - Maybe $50,000. Now we can start in on the real work. I'm on the phone again, contracting with a tungsten machining service out of Willowbrook, IL. I ask them to construct for me a hollow tungsten sphere with a small, sealable opening, ideally via both exterio
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  • 04
    Font - Once the tungsten ball arrives, I have my friend stand well away from me and transfer the snail into the center of the sphere. I ask them to pour a little salt down into the hole after it, just to give the snail a little reminder of who he's dealing with. Once snail and salt are both inside, we seal the hollow sphere with the bolts. Tungsten is an amazing material. Incredibly tough, dense, and heat-resistant. You could drop it into molten lava and it wouldn't matter. Which, coincidentally
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  • 05
    Font - Now we make sure that damn thing stays shut. I find the nearest metal refinery and call them up. I also contract with a heavy machinery moving company to move the tungsten sphere to the refinery. Once the refinery has sintered the tungsten sphere shut, I buy an entire industrial crucible (those big buckets) of molten iron. And the crucible the iron came in. I have them drop the tungsten sphere into the molten iron, and let the whole mass cool in place. Mr. Snaily snail ain't going anywher
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  • 06
    Font - assembly over the side. Literal tons of once-molten iron, refinery crucible, tungsten, salt, and snail slip over the side and begin dropping into the briny deep. Another $100,000 gone, but well worth the cost. Good. That's bought me a little breathing room. But we're not anywhere close to done yet. I still have at least $500,000 left. I'm going to invest it into solid business ventures and slow growing but secure assets. We're building a fortune - And who cares if it takes a few centuries
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  • 07
    Font - But as I develop my fortune, it's getting invested into space. SpaceX, asteroid mining projects, whatever. I am trapped on the one planet in the entire universe where I can actually die, and I have no intention of staying there. Over the millennia, I slowly apply my fortune and influence to push mankind to the stars. And the moment living on another planet becomes viable, I'm there. And the instant a habitable planet is around another star? I'm on the first generation ship heading that di
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  • 08
    Font - What I care about now is lightcones and black holes. Earth's gotta go. Sorry whatever's left of humanity. We evacuate anyone still on the old planet, and use a gravity tractor to push Earth into a black hole. A nice, big one so that hawking radiation will take an incredibly long time to evaporate it away into nothing. And then I board a ship. A fast ship. I accelerate to as close to lightspeed as I can get, piloting directly away from the black hole with the snail inside. I want to be so
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impressive question answer creative smart lol silly snail
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