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Brilliant Patter From the Best of Scottish Twitter

Cannae do better than the Scots when it comes to funny banter, and Scottish Twitter continues to prove it time and time again. Why do I cry-laugh whenever I scroll through Scottish Twitter? I'm not sure if it has more to do with the fact that I'm American and get a kick out of reading the tweets in my head in an exaggerated Scottish accent, or if the Scots are just naturally witty folk. If you haven't yet experienced the joy of reading a bunch of these brilliant belters and anecdotes at once, it's your lucky day.

  • 1
    World - adam @TechNaww some guy looked me dead in the eyes when we were both at the urinals at riverside and said 'it's good to get your cock out innit mate? and i've no been the same since
    Via @
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  • 2
    Product - Motherwell Buy & Sell Group post by Chelsie Lee Mcg-xo • 5 m· Am a psychicn am doin free readings comment fur wan x 13 comments Like Comment Chris Law Surely if you where that good people wouldn't need to contact you. You would know who they where and would look even better on you if you where to contact them first. 2 m Like Reply Chelsie Lee Mcg-xo Chris Ave got a Linda in the spirit world here fur ye and she says yeev tae fuck off aff ma post and shave yer beard cos it's pish x Just
    Via u/sizzlingscot
  • 3
    Organism - Adam @AdamHenry9 that's next weekends plans out the window fucking hell Popular Science O @PopSci Warning: Do NOT get into a breath-holding contest with a naked mole rat bit.ly/2pbo9lf
    Via @
  • 4
    Organism - danny @wimhawf Been offered a job on the fish counter but am no sure if l'll accept it or not. Need to weigh up the frozen prawns 20:00 · 24 Aug 21 · Twitter for Android
    Via @
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  • 5
    World - Connor Magill @ronnoclligam We literally invented everything from the TV to chicken tikka masala but inventing shagging is by far our greatest achievement UberFacts @UberFacts · 17h Sex was invented by prehistoric fish in what is now Scotland 385 million years ago Show this thread
    Via @
  • 6
    Font - Knowigis mnt enugh. Kiery Mac we must apply. { Willng is not enough, we must do. @Kierymac23 Brce Loo Having 2 daughters I knew id get faced with a few awkward questions as they got older but my 4 year old had quite the enquiry: Aoife - 'daddy' Me - 'yes darling' Aoife - 'how do you poo from your willy?" Ме - ..... 9:26 · 24 Aug 21 - Twitter for Android
    Via @
  • 7
    Shirt - Stand with kyogo @rsmorrow1964 Sorry, did the other 20% not understand the fucking question Murffy and 8 others liked Radio Clyde News CLYDE1 @RadioClydeNews NEWS 80% of people in Scotland believe that cutting the number of days at work - with no loss of pay - would have a positive effect on their wellbeing.
    Via @
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  • 8
    Clothing - Being oot yer nut at T 7 m·6 ... Love everything about this This guy... goes to Glasgow Green a few days ago and buries a bottle of Bucky where the TRNSMT site will be. Goes back a few days later and digs it up buck
    Via u/PrawnTheMcJuicer
  • 9
    Organism - soop @soopdug we were aw out for molly's bday dressed up as characters fae peter pan & at the end a the night a lassie n her mad pals started scrapping w us all and aw a can think about is folk fae the other side of the road watching 6 pirates, peter pan & tinkerbell in a royal rumble 14:32 · 20 Sep 21 · Twitter Web App
    Via @
  • 10
    Font - LQ @lucyquinnxox Sum burds get battered aff their bfs and stick by them lit "a see something in him" wtf dae u see??? A rematch??? >
    Via @
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  • 11
    Product - ... Danielle @Gillan505 Ma da told me he wanted to buy me good kitchen knives for moving inty ma flat and bought is this the maniac :)))))) am chopping onions no gon inty the Hunger Games fs Huusk
    Via @
  • 12
    Dog - mark @Markcairns00 Here mate Wanty pull get a bank machine over so a can Send a Chat
    Via @
  • 13
    Smile - Anthony Sweeney @antonsweeney · 1d Fucking banging sir! buckfust buckfust Ryan Campbell @RydoCampbell - 4d If anybody finds a grey rucksack at Edinburgh Waverley wae a cargo 6 bags a salt n vinegar golden wonder a chicken tikka baguette n 2 half bottles ae tonic geez a shout. Can keep ... 5 27 143 3,416 6PACK
    Via @
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  • 14
    Font - Kaff Z ... @kaffzillah Irn bru has been the most consistent support system my whole life
    Via @
  • 15
    Font - Butsay @Butsay_ wit a fuckin freakO only way to have a glass ae milk is to leave it oot in the sun for 5 days. nice n warm n fulla succulent chunks; real heaven jess @JessBelll1 very very unpopular opinion but cold milk out of a glass is heaven 9/7/18, 3:16 PM 169 Retweets 1,807 Likes
    Via @
  • 16
    Product - Fitzy @Fitzy_072 · 19m A wean crying because he can't go to school, aye nae bother Harry Potter and the Goblet of Liar. Chrissy *E @Chrissy_.. · 1d Dundalk Grammer school refuses a child an education because medical exempt 6. 75
    Via @
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  • 17
    Human - evan @evanreilly15 These cunts are all smoking 100% asscrack man wit are they honestly upto just cutting about nippin lit a bunch a horny 14 year olds man best of megan & colson @meganxcolson · 1d Megan fox, Machine gun kelly, Kourtney kardashian and Travis barker
    Via u/SappeninBitton
  • 18
    Nose - Every under 26 in Scotland in a few months STV News O @STVNews 2d All Scots under age of 26 now entitled to free dental care. bit.ly/3jcnNN9
    Via u/DaveSlaz

Tags

witty tweets british humor Scottish twitter scottish humor jokes scotland lol twitter memes scots funny tweets funny

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