Fresh Musings and Mischief From the Bowels of Twitter (January 26, 2023)

Author image for Ada Elder
Ada Elder
Jan 26, 2023 3:00 PM EST

Greetings, internet users and abusers. It's Thursday, January 26th, and today feels just like any other. I got up, got out of bed, dragged a comb (brush) across my head. I opened up my ThinkPad and went to Twitter.com like I do every day from Monday to Friday. As per usual, I almost immediately closed the laptop and prayed to the powers that be. Why? Because perusing Twitter for quality content can be so disheartening. 

Fortunately, betwixt the rantings and ravings of political lunatics, and the banal sentiments of people who are desperate to go viral, there are gems to be found. Some of them are cute stories about users' day-to-day lives. Some of the gems come in the form of clever one-liners from Internet comedians. Others are just painfully relatable observations or confessions that make us feel a little less alone. Today I'm sharing all of the above, in the hopes that I can save you from my Twitter-poisoned fate. 

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  • 01
    Font - zach silberberg @zachsilberberg brunette aubrey plaza would win the hunger games but blonde aubrey plaza would be running them. does this make sense 11:00 AM 1/23/23 1M Views . 54.1K Likes 3,259 Retweets 75 Quotes
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  • 02
    Font - Lazzyyyyyy @em_Lazzy credit karma: "your credit score is 800" car dealerships: “ma'am. your shit is 325" 11:44 AM 1/23/23 3.2M Views . 69.6K Likes 7,216 Retweets 1,334 Quotes
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  • 03
    Font - baby g @gsgetlonelytoo If ur using ur passport as ID to get into the club, u need to get ur shit together asap 1:27 PM 1/20/23 - 2M Views 26.5K Likes 2,371 Retweets 1,886 Quotes
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  • 04
    Font - abby govindan @abbygov my cousin is marrying a plastic surgeon and I'm the only American. cousin who flew all the way to India for the wedding. My family thinks it's because I "love” him and “want him to be happy" ??? no. I am trying to get a free BBL. 10:53 AM 1/24/23 112K Views . 3,255 Likes 42 Retweets 1 Quote
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  • 05
    Font - Zack Fox @zackfox new voice of rick and morty should just be regina king doing huey and riley 11:52 PM 1/24/23 1,000K Views . 25.3K Likes 3,452 Retweets 116 Quotes
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  • 06
    Font - chief queef @cindytibz Not the unpaid internship toxic king @777jorgeivan. 2d Women don't understand that you gotta do wife shit to become a wife 2:47 PM 1/23/23 2M Views . 52.3K Likes 11.3K Retweets 302 Quotes
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  • 07
    Font - mattie rose @Lubchansky do the french give different names to their pokemon. if they do i think geodude could be "homme de terre." thanks 9:04 PM 1/24/23 642K Views . 13.8K Likes 1,179 Retweets 83 Quotes
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  • 08
    Font - Robert Kroese @robkroese Turns out that "coca" doesn't mean "Coke" in Colombia the way it does in Mexico. Guess what I've been ordering at every restaurant 1:10 PM 1/23/23 8,863 Views . . ... 81 Likes 1 Retweet 1 Quote
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  • 09
    Font - guy online @fellawhomstdve the Timothee Chalamet-Jason Momoa pairing is a recognition that the foundation of comedy is when there is a big guy and a small guy 3:53 PM 1/22/23 1.3M Views . . ... 30.2K Likes 879 Retweets 90 Quotes
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  • 10
    Jaw - Phoebe Bain @notnotphoebe My Google Drive storage is full do you guys think I can delete my AP US History essays yet or will I need those 10:06 AM 1/23/23 826K Views . 27.8K Likes 2,102 Retweets 160 Quotes
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  • 11
    Font - Chairman Birb Bernanke (X, X) @Bonecondor my mom asking the tough questions, like "why isn't there pizza at raves" 5 MB ...is there food at a rave? Mama Bear > . Lol well that's no fun. I'd expect like... I don't know. Pizza there is absolutely not food at a rave 5:47 PM 1/21/23 117K Views . 0 1,279 Likes 25 Retweets 12 Quotes
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  • 12
    Terrestrial plant - DEI coordinator for sinaloa cartel @Forever_Wario I cannot believe this was tweeted in earnest lol esuk419 @UWSGMA326 Those people who want walkable cities like it so they can hang in their favorite bars, get drunk, get high and not worry about driving home. 8:34 AM 1/18/23 319 Views . 11:11 AM 1/23/23 1.1M Views 35.2K Likes 2,014 Retweets 490 Quotes
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  • 13
    Font - Matt, Dad Hat Enthusiast @TheChowderhead congratulations to the Warthunder on being the first video game to be classified as a risk on a background check, your community is terrifying and I hope it continues being so Other Congrats guys we did it. 3780 (self. Warthunder) 161 comments Warthunder 16 hours ago by Nafuwu Add Fiat 6616 Pls Friend of mine just got a job at Raytheon. As part of secruity clearance, a P.I. has to investigate the person, call up "witnesses" e.i. friends. I was on t
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  • 14
    Head - Walter Hickey @WaltHickey gotta say it, i think that this amazon author bio might be said to bury the lede a smidge Theodore John Kaczynski > About + Follow HOME ABOUT ALL BOOKS . About the Author Theodore John Kaczynski, Ph.D. (a.k.a. Ted Kaczynski) has focused his life's work on sounding the alarm about society's paramount problem: the omnipresent, subjugating, and destructive force of technological progress. His extensive writings articulate a comprehensive critique of the global "tech
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  • 15
    Jaw - ali @_ali_taylor i buy books at 5x the rate i read them 9:26 PM 1/21/23 1.8M Views . .. 16K Likes 2,174 Retweets 356 Quotes
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  • 16
    Font - Jenn Takahashi @jenntakahashi ok so i went on a date w/this guy who slid in my dms. his last name's Heitz so i joked he should change his username to SuchGreatHeitz. he was like ? so i said "you know, @Postal Service..?" and he was still like ??? then he looked it up and said "oh i was 6 when that came out" 3:52 PM 1/22/23 303K Views ... 1,844 Likes 27 Retweets 16 Quotes
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  • 17
    Eyelash - Hannah Posts @hannahposts Splash Mountain is a beautiful name for a girl 11:29 علی LIVE The ride I named my daughter after shut down today at Disney I'm so sad Repost > Following For You Chimp Avatar vegangranolamom #disneyworld #disney #disneybaby #MomsofTikTok #splashmountain Yot Club) original sound LTE 2 6939 (183 202 ...
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  • 18
    Font - erin postsoffice @ThePosts Office my boyfriend walked over and hugged me and said "I'm going to go play video games now. Do you feel sufficiently cared for?" 4:35 PM 1/22/23 92.4K Views 2,073 Likes 57 Retweets 31 Quotes
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  • 19
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I've had diarrhea for 3 years and never saw a doctor. My dog had diarrhea for 7 days, and I took him to the vet. He has a wheat allergy. I decided to see a doctor and I also have a wheat allergy. We both poo normally now. 7:25 AM 1/22/23 1.4M Views . .. 23.7K Likes 386 Retweets 38 Quotes
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  • 20
    Font - bambs! @corvophobia today a kid was like "YOU WERE BORN IN THE 1900S????" and i was like yeah? when were you born? and he said "2015" and i had to stop and put my head in my hands 11:22 AM 1/21/23 1.4M Views . 88K Likes 4,810 Retweets 811 Quotes
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  • 21
    Font - Lil Uzi Hurt @lostblackboy My sister is planning to take her teen daughter to Paris. She said, "I need to make sure she sees the world so she's not impressed when one of these little men try to take her on a trip to Miami." 11:49 PM 1/21/23 1.5M Views ... 43.5K Likes 2,027 Retweets 364 Quotes
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  • 22
    Glasses - Chris Mohney @chrismohney no joke I could make would improve on this headline With 3 Words, Microsoft's CEO Showed That You Can Lay Off 10,000 People With Empathy 9:59 PM 1/21/23 1.3M Views . 25.5K Likes 2,112 Retweets 181 Quotes ...
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  • 23
    Smile - J.S. Park @jsparkblog We went out to a baby gym class but she kept putting her head down. I asked her what she needed and she said she wanted to go home. I asked what would help her feel better and she said cranberries. So we left early. Got cranberries. My daughter's first mental health day. 1:00 PM 1/20/23 3.1M Views ... 130K Likes 6,963 Retweets 646 Quotes
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  • 24
    Font - na'vi seal @revhowardarson okay this argument about in-game graffiti is true but the best in-game graffiti in history 100% breaks every one of these rules WE ARE THE REAL MONSTERS YOU ARE A REAL MORAAL No, that's the zombies Maron. Bill IDIOT think it's then stupid I HOPE YOU ARE DEAD Francis I miss the internet. SOON Zoey Have you been outside JAKKASS!! NOW +100 40 360 15 Leena GDC @LeenaVanD. 1d It's rarely done well because most people making these choices don't understand graffiti bey
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  • 25
    Font - mark normand @marknorm I had sex with my wife last night, or as she calls it 'microdosing' 6:28 PM 1/21/23 634K Views . 9,516 Likes 372 Retweets 19 Quotes
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  • 26
    Font - Rachel Jessica Wolff @RachelJessWolff boyfriend just vetoed my apartment- arranging suggestion because "sleeping with your head facing the door is a 'security risk' and 'disrupts the feng shui."" does anyone know 1) what he's talking about and 2) if he's ok 2:04 PM 1/21/23 141K Views ... 837 Likes 13 Retweets 18 Quotes
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  • 27
    Font - zae @itszaeok no bc when teachers got married and changed their name in elementary school, why was the new name always insane omg 12:54 PM 1/21/23 2.9M Views . .. 82.5K Likes 3,365 Retweets 1,236 Quotes
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  • 28
    Product - Lucas @Punished Link Someone leaking the entire no fly list on this fucking blog is the funniest thing I've ever seen Bomb maia arson crimew home blog sample packs hello i am maia arson crimew (he) and i am gay, mostly for girls, a i know lot's of things about cyber security, programming and far too still try to do all those things at once. if you like the things i do here can support me on ko-fi links to the various things i do can be foun looking for some more serious info about me,
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  • 29
    Font - Viktor Winetrout @Cpin42 [shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady 11:56 PM 1/19/23 776K Views . 29.9K Likes 2,353 Retweets 76 Quotes
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  • 30
    Font - soul nate @MNateShyamalan so a month ago they announced MILF Manor, where older women date a group of younger men, and teased a "big twist." everyone immediately guessed that the men were there sons, and they were right. but it would have been better if they made them all solve a murder 11:10 AM 1/21/23 557K Views . 9,773 Likes 329 Retweets 36 Quotes
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  • 31
    Font - élie @bouzingot women don't “YOOHOO! OH, YOOHOO!" while batting eyes and waving a kerchief like they used to 12:51 PM 1/20/23 514K Views . 24.8K Likes 2,702 Retweets 173 Quotes
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  • 32
    Human - sova @abysshriek In Pokemon X and Y, if you take a cab in Lumiose City but don't have enough money to pay the fare afterwards, the driver just takes you to a back alley and fights you You are challenged by Driver Carter! Aaron & Tommy: Super Pod Sag.... 1/15/23 What is the most useless piece of video game knowledge you know? Show this thread 1:49 PM 1/24/23 827K Views . ... 25.6K Likes 3,976 Retweets 189 Quotes
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  • 33
    Font - Michelle Allison @fatnutritionist today I saw a toddler in a snowsuit with animal ears on the hood then the dad lowered the hood to reveal the toddler was also wearing a toque with a second set of animal ears and I nearly lost my shit 7:47 PM 1/24/23 690K Views 26.2K Likes 1,158 Retweets 123 Quotes
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  • 34
    Font - vicky mochama @vmochama chatgpt will never replicate the charm and syntax of an undergraduate paper where the student has neither been to class nor read more than the abstract of a paper there's a magic nothingness that they're able to conjure with sheer grit and desperation that a.i. could never 12:06 PM 1/23/23 1.2M Views . . .. 33K Likes 3,533 Retweets 326 Quotes
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  • 35
    Font - bolton69420 @bolton69420 sorry I'm not scanning a QR code for your menu im with the boomers on this 6:55 PM 1/23/23 1.1M Views 42.5K Likes 5,438 Retweets 401 Quotes
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  • 36
    Font - jeFF @TheFantasyEng My son asked what taxes are, so l gave him a bag of m&m's and explained that he has to give some to me and I know how much he has to give me but he has to guess himself and if he's wrong he goes to prison. 5:07 PM 1/23/23 2.5M Views 34.8K Likes 2,739 Retweets 147 Quotes
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  • 37
    Product - Soren Iverson @soren_iverson Live Nation, but it adds fees if you can't name 3 of the bands albums at checkout. Event ticket limit: 8 Full ticket limit info . Standard Ticket $20.00/ea + Fees Oh you like The Flaming Lips? Name 3 of their albums or pay 10% more 00:57 Album 1 AA Album 2 Album 3 Subtotal 2 Tickets Next concerts.livenation.com 10:01 AM 1/25/23 393K Views 2 + $40.00 2,740 Likes 199 Retweets 30 Quotes
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