Fresh Tweets That Don't Need More Than 280 Characters (February 14, 2023)

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    Font - sex ed is a human right @ericasmithsexed This week in the family group text, I had to tell my parents what "raw dog" means - both literally and figuratively, as my bro casually said he "raw dogged" his flight by not taking meds. Now my parents keep saying they raw dogged stuff. My mom said she "raw dogged 3 births." 9:59 PM 2/7/23 211K Views 8,343 Likes 278 Retweets 19 Quotes
  • 02
    Font - Max @EPM106 Always funny that the Harry Potter movies decided to do one (1) fight scene where magic is used creatively and then in every other fight scene across the 8 films (including the film that's one long fight scene), the wands function as Star Wars blasters 12:05 AM 2/6/23 690K Views . 11.5K Likes 380 Retweets 33 Quotes
  • 03
    Font - jenny_tightpants @halomancer1 ai jerry seinfeld being transphobic and getting banned from twitch is probably the funniest way anything has ever passed the turing test 12:45 PM 2/6/23 251K Views . 12.6K Likes 743 Retweets 33 Quotes
  • 04
    Font - I frew up :( @doulbedoink Girl who stole my glasses to flirt: Yea I just got these a few weeks ago, I need them to see cuz my eyes are sooo bad Tiny Joe buck who serves as both my shoulder angel and devil: Cmon son. She's practically beggin ya. Just bring it home Me: You look like a sexual librarian 12:51 PM 2/6/23 468K Views . 15.6K Likes 687 Retweets 29 Quotes
  • 05
    Font - worms cited @christapeterso pharmacists are like "If u legitimately needed this medicine you would be chill about not getting it" would i 11:30 PM 2/6/23 906K Views 26.2K Likes 1,733 Retweets 135 Quotes
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    Font - Fort Wayne Crime Erin @Criminal Union FW Why aren't cops out cruising around with a trunk full of tail lights to swap out real quick for us if they're so fucking concerned about it 1:47 PM 2/6/23 - 56K Views . 3,878 Likes 486 Retweets 11 Quotes ...
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    Font - i bless the rains down in castamere @Chinchillazilla don't use dating sites, but I joined one that has a looking for local friends option, and wow, you guys have not been kidding about all the guys holding fish 3:08 AM 2/7/23 192K Views ... 5,889 Likes 117 Retweets 15 Quotes
  • 08
    Font - Philip Bump @pbump Millennials and Gen Z have no idea that the most bonkers social network is actually Nextdoor. 7:44 PM 2/4/23 977K Views . . 9,708 Likes 489 Retweets 206 Quotes
  • 09
    Font - my life is a living hell. every minute is... @on_da_spectrum Harry Styles thinks of himself as being next in the lineage of great British pop stars, a David Bowie/Mick Jagger/ Elton John type figure, but he just doesn't have *it*. He doesn't have the singles, and he certainly doesn't have the albums. And also he doesn't have sex with men 3:59 PM 2/6/23 578K Views 19.3K Likes 1,448 Retweets 158 Quotes
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    Font - GEFI stoned cold fox @roastmalone_ gotta apologize to male authors because I just walked down the stairs and it turns out my chest did actually breast boobily 11:51 AM 2/6/23 1M Views ... 30.2K Likes 2,519 Retweets 87 Quotes
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    Font - taddy mason @no_goblins Kinda weird how every culture has a fairy, gnome, or little man myth. Probably nothing 12:53 PM 2/6/23 301K Views 6,616 Likes 460 Retweets 46 Quotes
  • 12
    Shoe - Big Gleb (parody) @GlebMelnikov8 this is how some of you draw boots 6:01 AM 2/5/23 5.5M Views . 185K Likes 12.8K Retweets 4,529 Quotes
  • 13
    Font - Shayne Topp @supershayne The last of us tv show is nothing like the game, Pedro pascal should be crouching 100% of the time even when there's nobody around 9:57 PM 2/5/23 267K Views . 8,301 Likes 501 Retweets 31 Quotes ...
  • 14
    Font - Ben Rosen @ben_rosen editor: you said you wanted to pitch a fun new comic strip character? charles schultz: his name is charlie brown and he is a child with generalized anxiety order. hes depressed as shit and he sucks at sports editor: schultz: also he is bald 2:19 PM 2/5/23 346K Views 11.4K Likes 1,009 Retweets 26 Quotes
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    Font - soul nate @MNateShyamalan now wait just a damn minute. where they goin I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) For the traditional American song also known as "500 Miles Away from Home" or "Railroaders' Lament", see 500 Miles. "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" is a song written and performed by Scottish duo The Proclaimers, and first released as the lead single from their 1988 album Sunshine on Leith. The song reached number 11 in the UK Singles Chart on its initial release, and it has since become their most
  • 16
    Font - Luke Mones @Luke Mones Pimp my Ride was insane. some guy would be like "i need to fix my camry so i can get to work" and Xzibit was like "ok well we turned your trunk into a fish tank." 6:52 PM 2/4/23 149K Views . • 5,126 Likes 332 Retweets 17 Quotes
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    Font - LL, LLC @lesbianlawfirm we need a narcan for when weed makes you scared 9:35 PM 2/3/23 268K Views . 9,068 Likes 788 Retweets 100 Quotes
  • 18
    Hand - warrior cop @wyatt_privilege That's not how you use that expression but ok. cbr.com PlayStation's Wolverine Game Reportedly Has a Violent, 'Hard-R' Tone 9:48 AM 2/4/23 1.5M Views . 36.7K Likes 1,680 Retweets 132 Quotes
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    Font - riri @raunchonpizza burgers with eggs and bacon are so funny like ok guess the whole farm's here 9:55 AM 2/7/23 446K Views 22.7K Likes 1,369 Retweets 66 Quotes
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    Font - Hasbulla @HasbullaHive Brother, never pick up a pen again Younes @DankcubeYT. 2d whatd do you think of my drawing hasbula
  • 21
    Font - linkshund @linkshund "Women get bored with Leonardo DiCaprio about when they hit their mid-20s" is an objectively funnier explanation. 7:52 AM 2/7/23 2.7M Views 120K Likes 8,274 Retweets 227 Quotes
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    Font - gale na @poisonjr most of the people in the world think johnny cash is a huge badass and all of his sonmgs are like "i am so so scared" 9:43 PM 2/7/23 703K Views 27.9K Likes 1,707 Retweets 118 Quotes
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    Font - sockdem @sock_dem > history essay due at midnight > essay question one: "Explain the repercussions of the French Revolution." > write "it is too early to tell." > turn in paper 6:24 PM 2/6/23 298K Views 14.3K Likes 903 Retweets 16 Quotes ..
  • 24
    Font - keyvan @still_oppressed This is still one of the funniest things a human has ever written and published. Recently I took a friend with only a high school degree to lunch. Insensitively, I led her into a gourmet sandwich shop. Suddenly I saw her face freeze up as she was confronted with sandwiches named “Padrino” and “Pomodoro" and ingredients like soppressata, capicollo and a striata baguette. I quickly asked her if she wanted to go somewhere else and she anxiously nodded yes and we ate M
  • 25
    Lighting - 7/11 Truther @Dave McNamee3000 They gotta fix this sign Hard Rod CAFE NEW MESSI COLLECTION WITH AUGMENTED REALITY- 11:04 PM 2/8/23 4.7M Views NEWI SSI COLLECTION ROCKSHOP VERY ORD GR Hard R AUGMENTED REALITY TRG
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    Font - Abigail Higgins @abbyhiggins It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I've been training for this since high school. 1:24 PM 2/8/23 1.7M Views 41.7K Likes 1,929 Retweets 230 Quotes
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    Forehead - WASSE JRR Jokien XX1 @joshcarlosjosh problematic age gap LOR 88 4:24 PM 2/7/23 913K Views 2778 38.2K Likes 3,425 Retweets 257 Quotes
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    Organism - Corn * @upblissed if humans aint finding out the toys alive in this one pack this shit up already + Discussing Film @DiscussingFilm . 1d 'TOY STORY 5' is in the works at Disney 4:39 PM 2/9/23 753K Views . . 15.6K Likes 721 Retweets 8 Quotes ...
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    Font - Stunner @headupagain Tequila really be like "I know a place" & take you to the floor. 8:05 PM 2/7/23 673K Views 13.9K Likes 2,842 Retweets 478 Quotes
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    Font - Fred Delicious @Fred_Delicious if they announced a sequel to Cocaine Bear and let you pick both the drug and the animal, what would you choose? I'd go for meth lobster 12:24 PM 2/9/23 346K Views 1,945 Likes 124 Retweets 540 Quotes
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    Food - abir @aburducky Took my white roommate to an indian buffet

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