Fresh Tweets We Pilfered From the Bird App (April 17, 2023)

Happy Monday, internet users and abusers. Twitter has always been a bit of a sh*tshow, to say the least, but since Elon Musk has gotten his corny mitts on the app, things only seem to be getting worse. Instead of seeing delightfully funny tidbits from Internet strangers, we're seeing a whole lot of garbage on our "For You" feeds. But has that dissuaded us from patching together a fabulous quilt of fresh and stupidly funny tweets for your scrolling pleasure? Hell no. 

Instead, we slave tirelessly, through the muck and the mire, through the pain. We sift through the all-too-common political tirades, the prom photos of Ron DeSantis, the screaming nuts, the banal sentiments that are designed to go viral because they're the lowest common denominator type of content. We pick the best of the best, the freshest of the fresh, because we care. And we hope you care about these tweets we've wrangled just for you. 

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  • 01
    Font - Kristen Mulrooney @missmulrooney what she Yesterday I asked my kindergartener did in school and she said "nothing," then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile. 9:30 AM 4/14/23 4.9M Views 6,207 Retweets 753 Quotes
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  • 02
    Font - Cannot even imagine the mutual animosity between the camps of Sacagawea historians entrenched behind these two incredibly diverging and specific dates Born Ari Schulman @AriSchulman Died May 1788 Lemhi River Valley, near present-day Salmon, Idaho, US December 20, 1812 (aged 24) or April 9, 1884 (aged 95) Kenel, South Dakota or Wyoming Lemhi Shoshone Nationality Other names Sakakawea, Sacajawea 11:57 AM 4/8/23 1.7M Views 1,256 Retweets 44 Quotes
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  • 03
    Font - zach silberberg @zachsilberberg today i learned what "antipasta" is. i'd heard the word before but i didnt know it meant "before the meal." i always thought it was like. the opposite of pasta. like evil pasta. pasta from a dark, inverted universe. negapasta. 6:16 PM 4/4/23 -9,321 Views 28 Retweets 2 Quotes 354 Likes 3 Bookmarks
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  • 04
    Font - mental queen @shannnnnnnnnonn My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped. Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 10:53 AM 4/13/23 2.1M Views 1,344 Retweets 306 Quotes
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  • 05
    Ecoregion - Ben Walsh @BenDWalsh first ballot hall of fame infographic right here: What Happens When Trump Surrenders L mapbox Fla. N.Y. 2 9:46 PM 3/30/23 3M Views Trump was at Mar-a-Lago when the indictment was announced Thursday. He would have to travel to New York. 2,456 Retweets 196 Quotes Mapbox © OpenStreetMap
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  • 06
    Font - Evan O'Connell @evanoconnell "and a Canadian" WRITTEN BY @LARASONUGA / DESIGN BY @CRSTNPARK/IMAGE BY JOSH VALCARCEL VIA NASA impact NASA is sending a woman, a person of color, and a Canadian on a lunar mission for the first time ever. Meet the Artemis II astronauts. 8:18 AM 4/6/23 4.2M Views . 4,899 Retweets 950 Quotes
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  • 07
    Font - John Frankensteiner @JFrankensteiner The only way to promote a Super Mario Bros movie "I didn't even know it was a game," Hoskins says, bemused, to the interviewer. "It was my kids that told me. They said 'What's your next film', and I said 'Super Mario Bros."" "Oh, that's the game!" "Oh, oh, what?" "Yeah, here, and this is you!" "And I saw this thing jumping up and down and thought [pause], 'I used to play King Lear."" 8:09 PM 4/6/23 5.2M Views . 3,569 Retweets 146 Quotes ...
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  • 08
    Hair - tbh tara mcgorry @terrormcgorry i think I'll honestly be fine if this ends up being the only thing I'm known for Declaration of Memes @LibertyCa... 2d hall quered" Tara McGorry "9/11 was retarded" ... 8:03 PM 4/5/23 6.4M Views Mol "Graduat it's t
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  • 09
    Font - caca ? @cloudeeuhh day 97 of trying to find a place in nyc iMessage Today 2:09 PM Hey! is your spot still open? Today 3:25 PM Today 5:37 PM on craigslist it had your number linked for an open room. my bad! Yes, I do have a room for rent. I think it's a weird way to ask someone "is your spot open". Alright I'll ink pen you a letter and have my owl deliver a response to your craigslist ad 6:02 PM 4/6/23 1.5M Views Delivered
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  • 10
    Font - Neb| @NebsGood Takes this attitude of an actor's appearance being far more important than their talent is partly why netflix has made at least 30 of the worst shows you've ever seen idk man ryan gosling as ken isnt giving what they thought it was. im genuinely terrified wtf is this?!?? I thought I might stay over tonight. 12:43 PM 4/6/23 2.9M Views . 7,782 Retweets 459 Quotes
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  • 11
    Font - helena @freshhel I've nutted to it several times. Your Onlyfans content sucks It's ok 8:05 AM I've nutted to it several times. 11:07 AM 4/6/23 226K Views No it doesnt Get well soon! 10 Retweets 2 Quotes 1,231 Likes 28 Bookmarks
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  • 12
    Vertebrate - Chris. @chefmade_92 What if you see a dog? Gavin Thomas @gavinthomas2015.1d Apparently, if you can see two people hugging, you're left-brained, and if you can see a dinosaur, you're right-brained. What do you see in the mountain? Show this thread 10:06 PM 4/5/23 24.3M Views . 22.2K Retweets 794 Quotes
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  • 13
    Font - Josh Trebach, MD @jtrebach *phone rings in middle of the night* me: *answers phone* hey this is josh with toxicology doc: hi josh, I have a case I wanted t- my cat: MEOW doc: ......um do you have a cat me: would it be weird if I said no 12:31 PM 4/6/23 639K Views 702 Retweets 23 Quotes
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  • 14
    Font - helena @freshhel Oh my god are you serious. this ice cream is CEREAL MILK FLAVOR??? and it is only $13??? Thank you so much. and i love how there's nowhere to sit in here 10:31 PM 4/5/23 1.8M Views 1,746 Retweets 224 Quotes
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  • 15
    Font - SLUG @generalslug why did you delete this my lord Hank Green @hankgreen People on tiktok are very "No one understands how much good this app has done!" Ok, yes, but I also just got served a video arguing that the CIA killed JFK so that "globalists" could keep exploiting Africa and it has 6M views and 1M likes. 9:45 AM 4/2/23 2.2M Views . 387 Retweets 571 Quotes 12.3K Likes 222 Bookmarks 27 This Tweet has been deleted.
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  • 16
    Plant - helena @freshhel Checking in on ig reels. POV: you wake up from ORAN being a chronically ill, "feminist" $tripp3r and become... 4,218 a 217 7:33 PM 4/4/23 1.9M Views 280 Retweets 331 Quotes A feminine, steak eating, raw milk drinking, bone broth sipping, gardening, raw liver loving, camp fire cooking, un poked, birth keeping, holistically healing, matrix escaping, powerful O 4,218 217
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  • 17
    Font - The Pumpkin Dipshit @ParSpec Remembering how common it was in like the early nineties for a kid to say "hey" and some old timer to respond "hay is for horses!" as part of some kind of campaign to label "hey" as rude and force kids not to say it. They're gone now and we still say hey. You lost, old timers. 7:49 PM 4/3/23 859K Views ● 2,925 Retweets 235 Quotes
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  • 18
    Nose - Rinna @RinRinYikes They should make a funny action movie about a black girl and a Latina having to fight through the "Big 6" and it's just these white women who look exactly the same W 10:38 PM 4/3/23 71.5K Views 177 Retweets 40 Quotes ESS
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  • 19
    Facial expression - $lap @slvppy facebook is unreal Jermain Johnson is with Brooke Slone. 1d..✪ In a Relationship with Brooke Slone Yesterday 1.4K 1:29 PM 4/4/23 2.2M Views 2,613 Retweets 287 Quotes 758 comments 3.3K shares Shere
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  • 20
    Font - steve coy @McLeemz I like Yellowjackets but suburban mid-90s teens didn't say "for fuck's sake" or "what the ever-loving fuck," which are lines a present- day 43 year old wishes they had in their repertoire at 16. 90s kids said "smooth move, gaywad" 5:37 PM 4/3/23 269K Views . 297 Retweets 70 Quotes
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  • 21
    Font - Most Abused @paynushater The pilot has the once in a lifetime opportunity to do the funniest thing of all time CNN CNN Breaking News @cnnbrk 17h BAKING Former President Trump departs West Palm Beach, Florida, en route to New York City to turn himself in on 30+ criminal charges cnn.it/ 3U8Wvlb WPTV HAPPENING NOW SOON: TRUMP ARRIVES IN NEW YORK FOR TUESDAY'S ARRAIGNMENT 1:22 PM 4/3/23 9.6M Views TRUMP 10.6K Retweets 358 Quotes lcc ... NEWSROOM
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  • 22
    Dog - Dooblerino @cinna_derg im so tired of doge commodification. her name is kabosu and she does not care for crypto 2:50 PM 4/3/23 1.5M Views 15.4K Retweets 145 Quotes
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  • 23
    Font - Hayley McMahon, MSPH, CPH @McMisoprostol Speechless. We just drove 2 hours to buy a new car. Loved it. They ran the numbers, & it was more than expected. They wouldn't negotiate at all. So we said ok, give us 30 minutes to go talk it over. They ok, sounds good. THE SALESMAN BOUGHT THE CAR HIMSELF WHILE WE WERE TALKING. 7:34 PM 4/1/23 337K Views . 238 Retweets 27 Quotes
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  • 24
    Fluid - Trung Phan @TrungTPhan This Amazon review of 5-Hour Energy put me into literal tears Great Tasting 5-hour ENERGY Arrives: July 9 - 19 Vitamins. Nutrients Caffeine. Sugar Free -4 Calories $14665 ($1.05/Fl Oz) + $25.00 shipping 5 DIETARY SUPP W Deliver to Canada Only 2 left in stock - order soon. Moderation Reviewed in the United States on May 19, 2012 WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT FILL UP A "SUPER BIG GULP" CUP WITH 5 HOUR ENERGY AND CHUG THE WHOLE THING. MY HEART HAS EITHER STOPPED COMPLETELY
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  • 25
    Product - Corn →* @upblissed why the fuck do u need a boner for 72 hours straight BIG LLOYD718!! @718Lloyd. 1d BETTER THEN THE HONEYTRUST ME Show this thread Made In USA . HOURS MALE ENHANCEMENT 3:39 PM 4/9/23 1.3M Views 755 Retweets 37 Quotes HEADACHE NO NEW MAXIMUM STRENGTH VROX # C ...
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  • 26
    Bottle - albert @albert12798 tried the other flavor and it's still nasty how do rappers drink this Sprite 1:48 PM 4/9/23 4.5M Views 4,129 Retweets 177 Quotes Hydrogen Peroxide 3% H₂O₂ USP First Aid Antiseptic Tapical Solution
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  • 27
    Font - Heidi N. Moore @moorehn Oh my God, call the billionaire burn unit Elon Musk @elonmusk. 1h Major misallocation of capital imo. Most on this list won't make it. Not enough talent in manufacturing & heavy industries. 356 1392 Paul Graham @paulg. 1h Interesting point, but an example might make it clearer. Can you think of a prominent person who's currently wasting his talents in software when he could be working on manufacturing and heavy industries? 99 195 2:07 PM 4/9/23 697K Views 3,630 462
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  • 28
    Font - leon @leyawn i got euro truck simulator 2 on steam because it was on sale and on my first job i flipped my truck going 90 kmh on the m80 in glasgow because i forgot they drive on the left. so now i'm in debt for like 16k euros and i've been driving all morning trying to make it back 12:15 PM 4/8/23 402K Views . 301 Retweets 19 Quotes
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  • 29
    Font - Tom Reagan's Hat @RufusTSuperfly Alfred Molina on Spider-Man 2: 'Rosemary Harris & I were suspended in harnesses 40ft above the soundstage floor & we were left hanging there for ages & ran out of small talk. At one point, Rosemary said quietly 'I'm classically trained, you know.' 9:27 AM 4/8/23 2.6M Views . 2,738 Retweets 68 Quotes
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  • 30
    Organism - Johnny U @Johnnypatriot64 Our six-year-old handed us a note. His teacher had called my wife and I in for an emergency meeting. We asked our son if he had any idea why and he said, "She didn't like a drawing I did." We went in the next day. His teacher pulled the drawing below out and said, "I asked him to draw his family and he drew this. Would you mind explaining?" "Not at all." my wife said. "Family vacation. Snorkelling off the Bahamas.
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  • 31
    Bottle - aLec robBins @alecrobbins they should have texted this information to our phones like they do for amber alerts pepsi. peps pepsi pepsi Stan BOS . ABIS! Dear customer, Pepsi Co is replacing Sierra Mist with a new Lemon-Lime flavored soda called Starry 10:59 PM 4/7/23 453K Views ...
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  • 32
    Plant - KING @RNB215 I would've been underneath that tree scrolling through Carvana and Zillow QUEEN T @ttaughtya 3/31/23 I just witnessed a whole tree fall on a man in Downtown, Austin! Somebody about to be PAID 7:05 2:16 PM 4/5/23 3.9M Views cá
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  • 33
    Product - albert @albert12798 why does my gf have so many bluetooth options ?? 7:08 <Settings BC66 31 ECOXGEAR Not Connected Blackweb Ent. System Not Connected BMW 29408 Not Connected Bose Color SoundLink Not Connected Not Connected Not Connected Not Connected Not Connected Ford Focus Ford Ranger HandsFreeLink Jam Party JBL Charge 5 KD-X3 MBS KM18 MyLink NK ROUND SPK Bluetooth OontZ Angle SRS-XB43 SYNC onn. 36" 5.1 Soundbar Not Connected LTE 10:17 PM 4/7/23 7.2M Views Not Connected Not Connected
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  • 34
    Font - Lane Moore @hellolanemoore Portland 4/20, NYC 4/... I'm walking with my chihuahua and a guy on the street said "yo, Taco Bell dog got a hot mom" and that's the only catcalling I will tolerate. 10:27 AM 4/15/23 574K Views . 529 Retweets 10 Quotes
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  • 35
    Product - chris evans @notcapnamerica Not y'all found the Tennessee House Speaker's mistress and then tagged his wife in the post Real ousewi 10:47 PM 4/14/23 5.2M Views . 5,424 Retweets 798 Quotes
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  • 36
    Font - Dan Schkade @DanSchkade — The guy next to me at the bar is on a first date - she's cute, it's been going really well, but my guy just shifted the conversation to whether or not the Old Testament textually supports abortion and pal of mine Hitchcock never came CLOSE to the suspense I now experience 9:36 PM 4/14/23 622K Views . 571 Retweets 63 Quotes
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  • 37
    Font - merritt k @merrittk I'm working on an unbiased article on dogs for the New York Times. I'm not looking to speak to dog owners or veterinarians at this time but if you hate dogs and think dogs are controlling your mind and that they should all be launched into the sun I would like to hear from you 10:45 AM 4/14/23 854K Views 2,365 Retweets 138 Quotes
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  • 38
    Font - rax 'leads with her crotch' king @RaxKingIsDead i overheard this kid say to another kid 'let's go smoke, i have a spot on the river that's sort of private' and my heart cracked wide open for the hours upon hours of my life that i spent smoking in someone's sort of private spot on the potomac river 2:53 PM 4/12/23 434K Views . 289 Retweets 49 Quotes
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  • 39
    Font - Adam Weinstein @AdamWeinstein Taibbi: I'm leaving Twitter because of Elon's decisions NPR: We're leaving Twitter because of Elon's decisions Elon: My screen name is Harry Bōlz and my building says Titter on it, also the nonpaying blue checks go away on 4/20 now, haha 9:39 AM 4/12/23 1.5M Views 1,986 Retweets 108 Quotes
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  • 40
    Font - lytch @lytchell my autistic coworker is my favorite person on the planet i asked if he would still be friends with me if i got a mullet and without looking up he said "we are not friends" like ok bestie !!! 9:29 AM 4/10/23 - 1M Views . 1,674 Retweets 315 Quotes
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  • 41
    Product - I've been stuck in class for the past 83 hours after this dude came in and told us last person to leave gets a million dollars annect w/ age group? + downward Hope? main us other channels? - need torsnetize key man nik? I'S BUSINESS EMPIRE brand & andrence building od. Eric Zhu @ericzhu105 channel Channels Gaming 2 Pkil Teens mareen brand deals? PHILANTHROPY ( giving transparent (great causes (invoie community • other Youtubers/brands? build sty 11:29 AM 4/10/23 2.6M Views brik success
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  • 42
    Font - Ashe "Anxious Crip Assassin" Grey... @crippledscholar My favourite AITA post will always be the girl who threatened to evict her mom and stepdad when her clueless asshole stepdad tried to force her to pay rent to live in the house she inherited from her father Just the perfect degree of fuck around and find out 9:20 PM 4/9/23-1.5M Views 2,048 Retweets 44 Quotes
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  • 43
    Font - Rocking roll is here to stay @neath_waters People on Twitter: Having decorative pillows makes you part of the borgeouisie (?) People in real life: Hey man how's it going 8:21 PM 4/8/23 1.4M Views 4,393 Retweets 110 Quotes
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  • 44
    Shoe - Mr Black.. @MrBlackOG I stopped watching wrestling when Rey Mysterio won this match 2:40 AM 4/10/23 9.9M Views . 11.4K Retweets 1,533 Quotes :
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  • 45
    Human body - Frivolous Springtime Stoate @MatthewTheStoat there is nothing good at all on youtube any more so i decided to just start watching men who are really passionate about ants play God with ants and film it, genuine kino 7 ANT COLONIES in 1 ARENA: ANT WAR or JOIN FORCES? AntsCanada Ⓒ 478M subscribers 10M views 1 year ago Join . Subscribe 7:06 AM 4/9/23 490K Views 641 Retweets 64 Quotes 272K 5 Share Download ... Thanks ▸
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  • 46
    Fluid - Trung Phan @TrungTPhan This Amazon review of 5-Hour Energy put me into literal tears Great Tasting 5-hour ENERGY Arrives: July 9 - 19 Vitamins. Nutrients Caffeine. Sugar Free -4 Calories $14665 ($1.05/Fl Oz) + $25.00 shipping 5 DIETARY SUPP W Deliver to Canada Only 2 left in stock - order soon. Moderation Reviewed in the United States on May 19, 2012 WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT FILL UP A "SUPER BIG GULP" CUP WITH 5 HOUR ENERGY AND CHUG THE WHOLE THING. MY HEART HAS EITHER STOPPED COMPLETELY
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  • 47
    Product - Trey the Explainer @Trey Explainer "I'm a Jedi that survived Order 66" 000 Awie TRAN 2:52 PM 4/7/23 5.8M Views LIGHTYEAR 5,948 Retweets 400 Quotes wy ATTLEY 2012. have the JOTZ BATTLING 2012 SATLOW CHARM 1022 ANITLAY BUZZ CRIYLLOYS 2012 ENTFLAW SNIVERY BUZZ CHEVERS BUZZ CHIVERY POT BUZZ ENTYERW GUZZ SHIYEAR 20019 BUZZ ACHTYEAR BAKICE KUTERY BUZZ IGHEVERR 1401
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  • 48
    Font - Janel Comeau @VeryBad Llama when my uncle died unexpectedly my mother had to tell his 'common-law wife' - quite literally over his dead body - that the Chinese spam caller' he was arguing with on the phone every day was actually his legal wife that he'd met through a Chinese mail-order bride service aditya @adiiiaf-5d can y'all drop your family dramas Show this thread 6:04 PM 4/15/23 2M Views . 1,399 Retweets 105 Quotes
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  • 49
    Font - 0 AGE CHEGADA tanya @Tanya Sabrinaaa flight attendant: is there a doctor on board me: i have a doctorate in physics flight attendant: this man is dying me: it's ok the plane will weigh the same 4:32 AM 4/8/23 308K Views . 944 Retweets 26 Quotes
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