Quick Quips From the Mad Minds of Twitter (April 28, 2023

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    Font - kenzi @kenzianidiot my dad once asked me how to buy cigars online, saying "it wont work on my computer." i asked him to show me what was going wrong. he then opened a Microsoft Word doc where he had typed "buy cigars online" 5:45 PM 4/24/23 349K Views 639 Retweets 46 Quotes
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    Font - dr. hazel @HazelMonforton I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as "the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe." 11:03 AM 4/25/23 148K Views . 429 Retweets 26 Quotes
  • 03
    Product - official nerds clusters fanpage @diabeyonce I ORDERED A STUFFED AXOLOTL AND LOOK AT THE WAY IT ARRIVEDDSNNSX 11:36 AM 4/25/23 919K Views . 3,684 Retweets 233 Quotes Lon
  • 04
    Product - gaz @gazpachomachine Shower Food Review 37: Cotton Candy - For some reason this was the most highly requested Shower Food Review. Perhaps people wanted to see me accidentally get it wet and have it dissolve, like that sad raccoon in that viral youtube video. But I am not a raccoon. I am a man. 4/10
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    Font - Anna Krauthamer @AnnaKrauthamer a faculty member in my building somehow thinks i'm also faculty, and whenever we're in the elevator together she complains about grad students (the strike, we "don't work enough on the weekends anymore," etc). i'm waiting for the perfect moment to reveal my true identity to her 10:07 PM 4/24/23 200K Views . 103 Retweets 5 Quotes 4,827 Likes 74 Bookmarks ... 27 □ ↑ Anna Krauthamer @AnnaKrautha... 19h also i know that, like, faculty come in all shapes and siz
  • 06
    Font - Jenny Nicholson @JennyENicholson Listen I'm not happy that disneyland's giant animatronic dragon exploded but it is kind of funny that there's so much video coverage of it on tiktok from literally every possible hypothetical perspective 6:03 AM 4/24/23 4.5M Views 5,096 Retweets 274 Quotes
  • 07
    Gesture - Katman @katmankieran People say Grindr is bad, but I sourced a flathead screwdriver faster on there than literally anywhere else Want to know if they read your message? Yes! Hi 6:34 PM I'm not looking to fuck right now, but my bathroom sink is currently flooding the bathroom I know it's kind of random, but can I borrow a flathead screwdriver by any chance? I don't really know my neighbours and you're the closest person to me on Grindr . 1:45 PM 4/19/23 2.4M Views 5,316 Retweets 644 Quo
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    Nose - laura @ecto fun this is so funny I'm going to feed the first page from my upcoming novel into ChatGPT . J TikTok . Tik Tok @laurenkaywrites 1:28 AM 4/20/23 2.7M Views Why you should not give your writing to chatgpt 3,605 Retweets 222 Quotes
  • 09
    Crocodile - Gators Daily @Gators Daily ok guys here is a test which one will see u later and which one will see u in a while
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    Hand - Sarah McAnulty, Ph.D @SarahMackAttack I had a carpenter bee repeatedly landing on my arms and face and licking me today. I licked my arm to figure out wtf was going on but it just tasted like plain arm. What the hell was that about. ALT 11:36 PM 4/20/23 868K Views 722 Retweets 108 Quotes
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    Font - zach silberberg @zachsilberberg helping my mom design a logo for her work and we're choosing fonts. just scrolling through photoshop and stopping when she sees one she likes. she's been pretty unenthusiastic but then she says "stop, stop! i like that one!" my friends it was comic sans 4:57 PM 4/17/23 1.6M Views 1,473 Retweets 170 Quotes
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    Font - Lucy Huber @clhubes I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us. Him: I want five bedrooms. Me: why? So we can have more kids? Him: No. More parents. 9:33 PM 4/21/23 1.4M Views . 915 Retweets 97 Quotes
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    Font - stuart (MD) @punished_stu where are the Sesame Street billions Elmo Elmo @elmo.8h Elmo will miss you, little blue check mark. But don't worry everybody, Elmo is still Elmo! 616 8,394 . Clingdaddy @Clingdaddy1 3:36 AM 4/21/23 769K Views You don't even pay it anyway. Where has all of the $billions of dollars PBS has made from Sesame Street licensing gone? All while you're still on a publicly funded channel. 88K ₁3.3M 2,151 Retweets 120 Quotes ...
  • 14
    Font - MOOSE lifehack: < @phillvmikan buy a ticket for the clippers game and hide in the bathroom until the lakers game starts a couple hours late NBACentral @TheNBACentral - 19h The get-in price for the next Lakers home game is $264 The get-in price for the next Clippers home game is $53 (Via @TickPick) PRICE TOMT GURGIU TOT STIGER Sat, Apr 22 2023 7:00 PM Section 332 Rows: 1-15 BEST DEAL 48 Section 332 Row 14 U BEST SEATS 1:06 PM 4/21/23 4.6M Views Sat, Apr 22 2023 12:30 PM Lex Club PRICE Sect
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    Font - star.gyal @beequammie My daughter apparently submitted a handwritten cover letter and resume to the daycare attached to her school to apply for a job working with the toddlers. She said she has 8 years of experience. She's 8 years old. 5:04 PM 4/21/23-1.5M Views 3,665 Retweets 334 Quotes
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    Ingredient - B SAP cait @punished_cait [touches earpiece] i am now getting reports that starbucks came out with an iced coffee with olive oil in it and it looks nasty as fuck and is making everyone shit their brains out Tik Tok @bananashrooms 1:26 PM 4/21/23 665K Views 616 Retweets 459 Quotes TikTok @13hcar
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    Font - Uju Anya @UjuAnya My 16yo said a girl at school stopped him in the hallway to ask if he's single. He wants to know what that means. Y'all, am I raising one of those goofy oblivious dudes who don't know when people like them? 10:40 AM 4/21/23 2.6M Views 3,126 Retweets 488 Quotes
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    Font - zach silberberg @zachsilberberg (responding to a sext) wow thats really hot but in the last message you said you're pinning my hands above my head but now you say youre kissing down my chest. unless you let go of my hands or have some incredible stretching powers, it seems like you lost track of the continuity 9:02 PM 4/24/23 1.5M Views 4,332 Retweets 673 Quotes
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    Font - KB @lov3_kaiya So why my brother went to the MVA (which you may know as the DMV in most states) to renew his license and the receptionist lady passed him a note that said "Please leave you have a WARRANT". 11:41 PM 4/19/23 - 1M Views 3,240 Retweets 1,581 Quotes
  • 20
    Organism - The Other Happy Place @otherhappyplace why do movies keep doing this shot where the hero has a dead wife and they do a flash back where they are ethereally under a white sheet together, it's really weird. it's like the wilheim scream of dead fictional wives Ž 8:46 PM 4/18/23 2.8M Views . 4,761 Retweets 573 Quotes
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    Organism - Thinkwert @Thinkwert One of the key drivers of Sicily's economic recovery is its strong export sector, particularly in salami trees. The island is the second-largest salami orchard growing province in Europe, behind Tuscany, accounting for around 10% of Sicily's GDP. 8:00 PM 4/19/23 84.9K Views 346 Retweets 32 Quotes
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    Font - PAD bela lugosi's dad @markpopham god damn it.... son of a bitch.... I just realized that Blueys mom works in airport security... and Blueys dad is an archaeologist.... Bluey's mom's job is sniffing, and Bluey's dad's job is digging up bones.... because they're fucking dogs..... 9:14 AM 4/19/23 1.3M Views . 1,740 Retweets 160 Quotes
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    Font - i bless the rains down in castamere @Chinchillazllla MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice? ME: have you restarted your computer? MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you'd have a better idea. 8:21 PM 4/24/23 1.2M Views 955 Retweets 35 Quotes
  • 24
    Glasses - soul nate @MNateShyamalan [preparing for my eugenics photoshoot] hey honey, where are my fucking dork glasses? The Telegraph telegraph.co.uk Meet the 'elite' couples breeding to save mankind 7:49 AM 4/19/23.2M Views 3,404 Retweets 193 Quotes ...
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    Font - Justine Moore @venturetwins Teachers: "Al is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!" Students: N Twelfth Night I'm sorry, but as an Al language model, I am not able to complete this assignment. However, I can provide you with some guidance on how to approach this essay. Chat GPT Rewrite the assignment your own. words. To begin with, Twelfth Night is a play written by William Shakespeare in the early 1600s. The play explores the themes of love, identity, and gender roles. The
  • 26
    Font - latke @latkedelrey everyone thinks they had overprotective parents until i tell them that my mom wouldn't let me go to the gym on the day of the boston bombings because "the killer is still at large." we didn't even live in massachusetts 11:47 PM 4/17/23 565K Views 375 Retweets 99 Quotes
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    Font - thomas @perfectsweeties meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it's like no i'm not sure i can. i've never done that without jeremy 5:42 PM 4/17/23 -1.6M Views 7,181 Retweets 499 Quotes
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    Font - michaela okland @Michaela Okla Like I was so worried too... 507 TU T UIUI. I shall look Ellie DADDY sorry i've just been dealing with something really intense today I accidentally made an omelet from my ostrich egg in stardew valley and you only get One to turn into an ostrich . so i've had to go through the volcano dungeon like 7 times and still no egg in the mega chest 5:41 PM 4/17/23 441K Views What's wrong?? 258 Retweets 66 Quotes sigh Read 2:40 PM
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    Product - mastiff @m4stiff genuinely, unironically, the fact that i was wearing a bra in this image life imitates art @beebinch poe @poepilled.2d what was your biggest twitter controversy? Show this thread 5:32 PM 4/17/23 7.5M Views 7,133 Retweets 92 Quotes :
  • 30
    Car - albert @albert12798 hope they find them R T SENTRA Abes DETAILING & CAR WASH 687 CHILD AMBER ALERT WHITE NISSAN SENTRA IA LICENSE EYB-982 127532 NISSAN NORFOLK, NE TOWA 2:15 PM 4/18/23 1.6M Views EYB 982 www.CORNHUSKERAUTO.com ...
  • 31
    Jaw - i bless the rains down in castamere @Chinchillazllla yeah officer I WAS speeding. to get past the logging truck. idk if you saw this movie that came out in 2003, 10:06 PM 4/17/23 409K Views 1,220 Retweets 27 Quotes
  • 32
    Human - keyvan @still_oppressed Just remembered the time Macklemore put on this costume at an event to perform "Thrift Shop" and then tried to deflect criticism by saying it's a witches nose and a random wig 11:30 PM 4/21/23 1.2M Views 1,018 Retweets 351 Quotes ... €850
  • 33
    Font - ely kreimendahl @ElyKreimendahl "can you explain the gaps in your resume?" yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don't want you to know about 8:56 PM 4/17/23 7.1M Views 10K Retweets 904 Quotes
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    Font - gatling gun kelly @noahpasaran [Anthony Bourdain on the train from SNOWPIERCER] BOURDAIN: and what's this called? CHRIS EVANS: It's a block of nutrient paste BOURDAIN: and you eat this all the time? EVANS: sometimes we have to eat our arms and legs. or a baby BOURDAIN [chuckling]: you guys are so fucking lucky 11:19 AM 4/17/23 72.6K Views 207 Retweets 2,195 Likes 35 Bookmarks
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    Font - dove @lovedoveclarke hate when I'm having a panic attack in public but I'm keeping it cool & nobody's noticing & then my service dog starts jumping 4 feet up in the air 20 times in a row shaking his backpack w my meds like a fuckin maraca to let me know my heart rate is too high 5:04 PM 4/16/23.2M Views 1,923 Retweets 135 Quotes
  • 36
    Font - Suki's Mom @zukosmadre Remembering when I did my senior project on "feminism" and a large portion of my paper was devoted to the cosmetic industry and women's societal obligation to perform femininity and the judges asked me why, given I'd made such an indictment of the industry, I wore makeup, lol 10:27 PM 4/25/23 890K Views 1,094 Retweets 55 Quotes
  • 37
    Font - ліля @lo_lifer funniest grift I have seen recently is this disappearing tattoo brand that people are realizing, months later, doesn't really disappear EPHEMERAL MADE TO FADE TATTOOS Real Tattoos. No Lifetime Commitment. Visit an Ephemeral studio for a real tattoo that fades away in 1-3 years. Self-expression for who you are today. BOOK YOUR TATTOO NOW How Our Ink Works → 8:49 PM 4/25/23 229K Views 269 Retweets 54 Quotes 4,208 Likes 121 Bookmarks ... 27.4K ... 144 697
  • 38
    Font - Luc @ellkay_ hope this helps anyone unsure of where to stand at shows STAGE people with too much time on their hands (campers/queuers) good vibes "my friend's just over there" pitters, moshers, crowdsurfers, crowdkillers, 2 steppers, people with stuff going on at home, anger management avoiders, degenerates, drunks beggars liars thieves giraffe enclosure (tall people) coat holders (parents and chaperones forced against their will) my zone. For me only. Everybody get lost good vibes arm-cr
  • 39
    Facial expression - coffee berkman @thesolarcoffee we need to get this account suspended for "Hawkeye actress Linda Cardellini" MCU MCU - The Direct @MCU_Direct. 19h CONFIRMED: #Hawkeye actress Linda Cardellini will voice Lylla the Otter in #GuardiansOfTheGalaxy Vol3! Details: thedirect.com/article/guardi... 12:39 PM 4/25/23 2.7M Views . 1,974 Retweets 48 Quotes ...
  • 40
    Font - i frew up :( @doulbedoink Dylan mulvaney's agent calls her up every few weeks and says "hey do you want to sign up to be a brand ambassador for this company and get eight million death threats from a coordinated harassment campaign from America's most barrel-shaped uncles" and she keeps saying yes 12:34 PM 4/24/23 742K Views 1,146 Retweets 69 Quotes
  • 41
    Font - Amber Sparks @ambernoelle Whenever my friends with toddlers are like "my child will remember THIS special trip, moment, person" I'm thinking in my head, "they will not, your child will remember precisely one thing from before they were four and that will be the time they puked on their friend in daycare" 11:39 AM 4/25/23 496K Views 510 Retweets 149 Quotes

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