Parents Who Raised Jerks Weigh In on What They Would Have Done Differently

New parents, it's time to get your pen and notebook out, because this is a thread you'll want to pay attention to. Often we're told over and over again how to parent the right way, but sometimes knowing what the wrong thing looks like can be equally helpful. In this insightful r/AskReddit thread, parents admit to things they wish they'd done differently when their kids were young, and teachers share their observations about where troubled kids went wrong. Everyone knows that parenting is hard, messy, and anything but straightforward. At least the unintended failures of other parents can be a lesson to us all. 

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  • “Parents who tried their best to raise their kids to be good humans but they turned out to be jerks, what do you wish you did differently?” Posted by u/hurricanehershel

  • 01
    Font - big_nothing_burger • 8d I'm speaking as a teacher...but I've seen wildly different siblings. I think parents need to get a handle on that dynamic. A lot of perfectionist older siblings and younger ones who can't achieve at that level and act out instead to find how they can earn attention. ... Reply 6.3k
    via r/AskReddit

    "Yep. People need to stop treating kids as carbon copies of their older siblings. And I say this as an eldest child who differs greatly in personality and interests from my younger sibling. It's not fair to anyone, least of all the kid who has to deal with being measured by someone else's standard. Everyone is their own person - even the twins I've known had different personalities and interests if one cared to observe." said u/UnknownCitizen77.

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  • 02
    Font - heatherLovesbrandon • 7d Be very careful WHO you have kids with. If I could do it all over again, I would have chosen better. They ended up with 1 responsible parent who was completely overwhelmed trying to do the job of 2 people. Reply 3.3k
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  • 03
    Font - 15 Awards You don't have to win every power struggle. I don't have jerk kids. But I do think I've learned a lot from having 4 very different kids, and I think too many parents 1. Think the same strategies work for all kids (ie, rule-consequence-behavior falls in line, rinse and repeat) and 2. Focus on the behavior rather than the cause. If you have a kid who doesn't respond to your parenting style/philosophy, you should rethink your approach. It's not all the kid's fault. 1block • 7d Some
    via r/AskReddit
  • 04

    (continued)

    Font - and on and on and on and on. Something needs to break the cycle. For instance, if your kid is challenging your authority, it's usually a bid for more independence. They're trying to be more mature, and they want your adult respect. You don't have to excuse the bad behavior; consequences are OK. But you ALSO have to look for ways to help your kid get that need met. You don't have to tie it to the actual incident, so it doesn't look like a reward. Give them more responsibility for themselve
    via r/AskReddit
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  • 05

    (continued)

    Font - If you address the cause of the behavior, it's going to do way more to correct a bad behavior, and you'll also get more respect from your kid. If you insist on winning every power struggle, your kid is going to see everything as a fight. EDIT: I need to give my wife credit for helping me understand this over the years. She's not only a great mom and wife, she's also a really good therapist. She's gained a lot of perspective working with other kids and parents and working on those relation
    via r/AskReddit

    "As a parent with a sometimes challenging kid, I greatly appreciate this comment. I will screenshot it and save it for later. My kid has ADHD (as do I) and I've so learned the value of approaching him from where he is at in the moment." said u/dallyan.

  • 06
    Font - scsuhockey• 7d In my opinion, the one defining characteristic of bad parents is being resentful of their own children. Resentful that they took some of their freedom, resentful of their youth, resentful of their opportunities, resentful of their intelligence, resentful of their beauty, resentful of their possessions, resentful of their education, resentfull of their accomplishments, resentful of their happiness, etc. I think this is FAR more common than most people realize. These parents
    via r/AskReddit

    "Holy shit. This is my mom. She was a teen mother and never owned up to regretting her decision, but it came out in her contempt for me. If I wasn't popular enough I was disappointing, but if my teacher's bragged about me she seemed annoyed, the constant comments about her body vs. mine. The contempt was in everything she did, but she would make a big show of us being besties. We haven't talked in 7 years and going NC was like coming up for air." said u/PlausibleCoconut.

  • 07
    Font - comeupforairyouwhore • 8d I wish I knew that some grandparents shouldn't be allowed to have a relationship with a vulnerable, easily manipulated child. I wish I knew it was okay to cut people out of your life. ... Reply 9.8k
    via r/AskReddit
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  • 08
    Font - JamesVogner • 7d 31 Award I worked with youth for a while in a poorer rural part of America and in my anecdotal experience there are two types of kids that can turn into bad humans. One, they've just had tough lives and no good role models. If you get to know them you realize they are just normal kids that have never been given the tools, opportunity, or encouragement to act any different. If noone figures out how to intervene it becomes a pattern of life for them that spirals out of cont
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  • 09

    (continued)

    Font - Two, kids that never suffer the consequences of their actions. They tend to have really "nice" caregivers who have a knack for getting thier kids out of trouble. When I say they don't suffer consequences I mean literally. Their parents do their homework, their parents lie for them, thier parents don't ever tell them "no". Their caregivers also don't supervise them but whenever anything happens they are easily manipulated by thier child and take whatever their child says as gospel truth wi
    via r/AskReddit
  • 10
    Rectangle - M forex 1911 8d ● 3 Awards Generally speaking If you try to teach your kid something and NOT BE THE example, you might as well not have wasted your time. ... Reply 26.4k
    via r/AskReddit

    "The best field anthropologist in the world is a kid watching the grownups." said u/BobMacActual.

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  • 11
    Font - WoodpeckerSignal9947 8d ● 1 Award Not me, but my parents have discussed what they wished they had done differently for my brother in order to prevent him from becoming a violent, homeless, drug addicted snot ball of a person. They wish they had sent him to therapy before problems ever started, and that they had reacted. quicker and sent him sooner when they did. They wish they hadn't yelled so much at all of us. That they had been more patient and forgiving of our mistakes. They wish a lo
    via r/AskReddit
  • 12
    Font - KelvinGauss. 8d I have one child, the youngest, who I'm starting to worry about. He's tall, athletic, attractive and very charismatic. I feel like it's a constant battle between teaching him respect and humility and the worship he gets at school. At his age he's not prepared to deal with all these piers who want his attention, tell him how great he is, and the girls lining up to talk to him. Yeah, don't we all wish we had this problem as teens. Anyway, it's a struggle. He's gotten cocky a
    via r/AskReddit

    "Different situation, but being f'ing smart made school a joke, the real world isn't school, harsh lesson learned there." said u/Drifter74.

  • 13
    Font - albyagolfer 7d ● We wanted our kids to be happy so I think we coddled and spoiled them. They aren't ready to function independently in the adult world. In retrospect, I think learning some hard lessons growing up helps prepare them and is less damaging than learning those lessons as adults. *Edit: to clarify, they aren't jerks, just not ready to be adults. ← Reply 5.4k
    via r/AskReddit

    "Yes this is super important - parents need to let their children fail and work their way through things. I had an ex whose parents removed every obstacle in his way and took care of everything for him. As an example, he was very smart and did well academically. When we had a strict teacher who gave us all bad grades on our first paper (rightfully, we had lots of room to improve) and gave us the opportunity to rewrite it, they met with her to contest the grade and made her cry. He never worked on getting better. He got to college and when he didn't immediately get all A's and thrive in every way, he had a mental breakdown. I also had to teach him basic things like how to use a can opener. I hope he's learned how to handle failure and struggle better since then, but the lack of resilience they instilled in him was just sad and harmful." said u/alp17.

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  • 14
    Font - WestsideCorgi · 8d Currently pregnant and acutely scanning this thread to take note of what NOT to do. ← Reply 5.3k
    via r/AskReddit

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