30+ Unfiltered Tweets from Witty Wives That Spill Hubby Habits

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  • 01
    Rectangle - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy Therapist: Are you two still romantic? Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week. Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
  • 02
    Jaw - sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy Husband: *hiccuping for over an hour* Me: *writing his eulogy*
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  • 03
    Jaw - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy The best part about buying my husband a Father's Day gift is the 5 things I snuck into the order for myself.
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  • 04
    Font - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy ... My favorite thing about hiking with my husband is when he screams like a 10-year-old girl every time he hears something moving around in the bushes.
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  • 05
    Font - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy ... I sent a text to my husband asking him to get sausage on his way home, and he responded, "I got your sausage right here." It would have been adorable if he didn't accidentally send it to my mom instead!
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  • 06
    Font - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy ... My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it's the key to our happy marriage.
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  • 07
    Font - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy ... AT WHAT AGE DO PEOPLE START TYPING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE MY HUSBAND SEEMS TO THINK IT'S 53.
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  • 08
    Font - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy ... When I'm mad at my husband I put the toilet seat up right before he gets home so he thinks I'm having an affair
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  • 09
    Font - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy Me: I'm so hungry. Husband: *names twenty things he can get me on the way home* Me: Anything else?
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  • 10
    Jaw - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy Husband: Honey, do you- Me: Shhh... Let's not argue.
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  • 11
    Forehead - ME WHEN MY HUSBAND IS WATCHING VIDEOS ON HIS PHONE AT MAX VOLUME.
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  • 12
    Font - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy Establish dominance in your marriage by answering your spouse's rhetorical questions.
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  • 13
    Font - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy ... Establish dominance by asking your spouse what they want for dinner first thing in the morning.
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  • 14
    Font - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy My husband's favorite time to ask me a question is when I'm upstairs and can't hear a word he's saying.
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  • 15
    Font - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
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  • 16
    Font - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy Me: I cleaned today so we're ordering take out tonight. Husband: Why? Me: I'll be taking no more questions at this time. ...
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  • 17
    Font - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner? ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
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  • 18
    Font - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy My husband just snuck a glass out of the clean dishwasher and quietly relocked it so he wouldn't have to unload it. Then he accidentally dropped it and it shattered. Instant karma for the win!
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  • 19
    Font - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy My husband and I have this rule that whoever opens the clean dishwasher has to unload it. It's been full since 1995.
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  • 20
    Font - Henpecked Hal @Henpecked Hal wife: sorry, but the OBGYN said no sx for 6 weeks after childbirth me: ok, what about-- wife: my dentist said 6 weeks too
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  • 21
    Font - Henpecked Hal @Henpecked Hal me: only 28 days until the next season of The Mandalorian! wife: you know my birthday was yesterday, right?
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  • 22
    Font - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy ... Nothing reminds me of why I fell in love with my husband like listening to him teach my 82-year-old mother how to do something on her computer.
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  • 23
    Font - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy : *the sound of me falling down the stairs* My husband: Is my computer ok?
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  • 24
    Font - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy My husband just accused me of marrying him for free tech support. I'm not gonna lie, it was in my the top 3 reasons
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  • 25
    Font - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy My husband knows the way to my heart is $50 of sale candy on February 15th.
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  • 26
    Font - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy ... Me: *hands him a heart-shaped box of chocolates* Happy Valentine's Day! Husband: Why do they all have a bite taken out of them? Me: You don't like nuts in your chocolate, so I had to try them.
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  • 27
    Font - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy ... Five words that absolutely terrify my husband: I'll go look for myself.
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  • 28
    Font - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy : My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
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  • 29
    Font - Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy Husband: I left some heart shaped cookies on the counter Me: I know. They're- Husband: for the dog Me: *swallows*
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  • 30
    Font - I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids Pillow talk when you're married in your 40s is whispering things like "when I die, if you need access to the accounts, just hold my phone up to my dead face"
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  • 31
    Font - I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids It's hard for me to talk about but I was catfished at 21. He said he was a business owner, loved cuddling and musicals : My husband: it's called dating. We were dating. Stop making that joke.
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