Boyfriend Asks Girlfriend to Cover Bill and Tell Everyone He Paid, Sparks Debate About Money and Gender

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Nov 19, 2023 3:00 PM EST

It's hard to know who should pay on a first date, especially between men and women. It's nice to go even, but you also don't want to step on anyone's toes. I have guy friends who enjoy covering the check and see it as an expression of affection. I have other guy friends who hate that there's an expectation that they pay. Of course, everyone is different, but how are you supposed to tell what kind of person they are based on one date? I'm proposing radical first date transparency. Talk about it, and come to a decision together, that way nobody's feelings get hurt. Easier said than done, I know, 

Money issues like this can continue way past the first date, like in this recent Reddit story from a long-term couple, whose bill-splitting decisions led to a public snafu. Read what commenters had to say about their sticky situation. 

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  • 01
    r/AmltheAsshole u/throwawayfreedinner • 3h AITA for splitting the bill at dinner and not letting my boyfriend pretend he paid?
    via u/throwawayfreedinner
  • 02
    I (24f) have been dating "Ben" (26M) for eight months. For context, Ben and I are from different income brackets, and Ben has expressed that he sometimes feels a little bit weird about this because he is a gentleman at heart but he says it's hard to treat me since I'm not really impressed by his gestures. I've said many times that I'm not concerned about these kind of things either way, but it comes up periodically. Last night Ben and I went to dinner with 6 of my friends. There were 3 men in to
    via u/throwawayfreedinner
  • 03
    This struck me as totally absurd because firstly, it's an unnecessary step, second even split the cost was something I wasn't sure he would realistically be able to cover, and third I felt like he was trying to enter a pissing contest with my friends which was just childish. I said no I would just pay and then turned to everyone and said I'd chip in a third of the bill. No one batted an eyelid, but Ben was sulking. He's now mad at me saying I emasculated him and made him look bad in front of my
    via u/throwawayfreedinner
  • 04
    kizzespleasee3 . 3h Partassipant [4] Nta! And it sounds like he didn't have the money to afford it, and he just didn't know how to tell you. Super weird.
    via u/kizzespleasee3
  • 05
    throwawayfreedinner OP ● 3h I knew he didn't though, and he said I could pay him back later. Like, if he'd paid he would have been relying on me transferring him back the money. So why go through the extra step when I could just pay
    via u/throwawayfreedinner
  • 06
    kizzespleasee3 . 3h Partassipant [4] Him feeling emasculated by not having the money and having to ask you for it plus being emasculated by you making it obvious in front of his friends was probably probably just a bad mix and that's why he was sulking and upset- but it's important you know that none of them are your issue lol. If you work for your money, then you are 100% in the right to want people to know that you're paying with your money and not somebody else's. If your man doesn't have eno
    via u/kizzespleasee3
  • 07
    throwawayfreedinner OP. 3h All my money is someone else's, I inherited it. But I invited him to the dinner knowing I was going to pay for him if we split it. It's an expensive restaurant that he wouldn't otherwise choose to go to, and it's dinner with my friends, I had no issue paying. I just thought it was childish that he wanted to take credit and cause an unnecessary inconvenience for us later because he thought my friend were judging him, which they weren't
    via u/throwawayfreedinner
  • 08
    Lord_Ernstvisage. 2h Did you tell him that you were going to pay? It's a shmall detail, but comunication helps a lot, the you both are on the same page.
    via u/Lord_Ernstvisage
  • 09
    throwawayfreedinner OP 2h ● He said oh that restaurant is really expensive and I was like, don't worry about it I invited you. I don't think I ever specifically said "I'll pay" but he definitely knew I wouldn't make him pay for anything because I never do when we're out somewhere expensive
    via u/throwawayfreedinner
  • 10
    wildclefairy 3h Enthusiast [9] INFO: What do you mean you're "not really impressed by his gestures"?
    via u/wildclefairy
  • 11
    throwawayfreedinner OP. 3h His words not mine. It just means he feels like the stuff he buys me or places he takes me aren't special enough to really wow me because I'm used to extravagant things
    via u/throwawayfreedinner
  • 12
    wildclefairy 3h Enthusiast [9] Is that true though? Do you show appreciation for his gestures the same way you would for something more extravagant?
    via u/wildclefairy
  • 13
    throwawayfreedinner OP 2h Yes I do. ●
    via u/throwawayfreedinner
  • 14
    wildclefairy. 2h Enthusiast [9] Then he needs to work on his insecurity. Perhaps talking through where it comes from would be beneficial.
    via u/wildclefairy
  • 15
    NAH. LivsLivesLife . 3h It sounds as though you have money. He doesn't. It doesn't matter to you but it does to him. It might seem odd to you, but for people without money it matters that they don't have it. Particularly if he likes you and sees you guys going further. You need to explain to him that your friends would not see anything off in splitting the bill three ways. That you didn't emasculate him (assuming you didn't make it explicitly clear that the table that he couldn't pay. If you did
    via u/LivsLivesLife
  • 16
    But he also needs to understand that you cannot help him be something he is not. And be proud of the fact that you chose him irrespective of your financial situations. I would also suggest that you have a frank talk about how he would prefer to go out- (maybe less fancy places? Maybe just for drinks not dinner etc?) so that he doesn't continuously feel that he is "lesser" than your friends.
    via u/LivsLivesLife
  • 17
    MonitorNo2997 • 3h Taking credit for paying for something while having someone else foot the bill is trash.
    via u/MonitorNo2997
  • 18
    Refroof 25 2h ● Yes, but being around people in a different tax bracket can really suck. It shouldn't, but for him it makes him feel less valuable. This is something he should learn to cope with, which can be hard and will take time (we don't know his background and that can be highly influential).
    via u/Refroof25
  • 19
    nioc14. 3h Enthusiast [8] NTA. Ben has an outdated and sexist vision of how couples should work in terms of who pays for what. And he is too focused on his public image. You probably need a deeper conversation with him about this.
    via u/nioc14

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boyfriend aita saving money dating nightmares gender issues debate boyfriends am i the asshole girlfriend reddit thread Reddit money gender roles dating dating advice
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