45+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (February 10, 2024)

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  • 01
    greg @greg16676935420 I always order a footlong so I can eat half now and save half for later MARWNE TAJ TONO ● ន 0000 000 GABAS CENAS AWN 11:33 AM 1/25/24 From Earth 1.4M Views H 504 Reposts 98 Quotes 13K Likes 305 Bookmarks
  • 02
    PizzaDilf @TokyoDilf the gentle setting on the vacuum sealer doesn't work on croissants W 7:39 PM 1/29/24 From Earth. 540K Views . 571 Reposts 152 Quotes 14K Likes 330 Bookmarks
  • 03
    sammy kay @thatSammyKay I did this back in 2006 when Borat came out Pop Base @PopBase 17h Austin Butler reveals he hired a dialect coach to help him get rid of his Elvis accent. 3:52 PM 1/25/24 From Earth - 2.8M Views 1.7K Reposts 27 Quotes 31K Likes 492 Bookmarks
  • 04
    Séamus Malekafzali @Seamus_Malek Elmo I'm gonna be real I am at my Elmo @elmo.5h Elmo is just checking in! How is everybody doing? 11:34 AM 1/29/24 From Earth 5.2M Views 37K Reposts 127 Quotes limit ● and
  • 05
    Melissa J. Bellan @BellanMelissa I sent an email saying "I see you all in prison tomorrow" instead of "in person tomorrow" and I'm pretty sure that's the worst typo a judge can send to counsel. 2:39 PM 2/1/24 377K Views 590 Reposts 74 Quotes 11K Likes 242 Bookmarks
  • 06
    comeback jack @meanunclejack why does the kicker in football wear pads and helmets? all he does is kick the ball. it's a foul for the other team to touch him. the kicker should be wearing some kind of beautiful ice skater outfit that shows the team's personality 12:21 AM 1/21/24 365K Views 1K Reposts 65 Quotes 16K Likes 292 Bookmarks
  • 07
    ceeks @70Ceeks the last four words in a game of connections 74° FESTIVAL INTERNATION 06 <<-17 JUILLET IM VN 26 17 UILLET Log 11:12 AM 1/25/24 From Earth 290K Views 534 Reposts 25 Quotes 9.7K Likes 302 Bookmarks
  • 08
    socialist sopranos memes @gabagoolmarx All I'm saying T is if they're gonna nominate Barbie for Best Picture they probably shoulda nominated some of them broads that was involved. 6:35 PM 1/23/24 · 1M Views 3.1K Reposts 89 Quotes 28K Likes 654 Bookmarks
  • 09
    Max @EPM106 Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio's relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he's been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017 10:25 AM 1/26/24 From Earth 2.5M Views ● 3.1K Reposts 573 Quotes
  • 10
    HowlingMutant @Howlingmutant Every time I do some weird new thing like an art or a sport I think "Man wouldnt it be crazy if I was just some natural prodigy at this and I never knew till now" and not only does that not happen but I am significantly worse than the other beginners 6:19 PM 2/2/24 From Earth 67K Views . 161 Reposts 7 Quotes 2.3K Likes 91 Bookmarks
  • 11
    Lil Bit @LizerReal My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one- thousands? Me: What? 7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS Me: *dawning realization* Yes.....yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980's. 7yo: WHOA 7:06 PM 1/20/24 From Earth 242K Views 542 Reposts 58 Quotes 7.7K Likes 127 Bookmarks
  • 12
    kira @kirawontmiss LMFAOOOO why tf did they spread them out like they busted a drug operation Daily Loud @DailyLoud 23h BREAKING: A 23-year-old woman was arrested by police after she allegedly stole 65 Stanley cups worth $2,500 from a California retail store. CTF F HAAP SETINA - 12:11 PM 1/22/24 17M Views 21K Reposts 161 Quotes STRAZE L STRAW 20
  • 13
    local blogger @fergoe Career .390 batting average would put you in the Hall of Fame, I don't see the issue POP Pop Crave @PopCrave.1d CRAVE Punxsutawney Phil & his ancestors have an accuracy rate of 39% going back to 1887. WTAJ NEW'S LEADER OWTA YOUR NEWS LEADER 12:59 PM 2/2/24 From Earth-6M Views 6.5K Reposts 57 Quotes
  • 14
    local blogger @fergoe Career .390 batting average would put you in the Hall of Fame, I don't see the issue POP Pop Crave @PopCrave.1d CRAVE Punxsutawney Phil & his ancestors have an accuracy rate of 39% going back to 1887. OWTAJ NEWS LEADER OWTA YOUR NEWS LEADER
  • 15
    respectful huff @alexqarbuckle PUNXSUTAWNEY spreading across the universe like unquenchable fire. Fanatical legions worshipping at the shrine of my father's skull. A WAR IN MY NAME!! PHIL: I see a holy war PENNSYLVANIANS: SPRING! SPRING! SPRING! 5:08 PM 2/2/24 From Earth 506K Views . 1.6K Reposts 14 Quotes 16K Likes 589 Bookmarks
  • 16
    - PA Kevvy Disco Machine @Kmort22 When the pub has a setup like this you know the Banter with the fellas is gonna be unreal WATOE
  • 17
    HiddenOG @HiddenOG LEEROOOOY JENKINSE Stockholm Al121 AIC121 VT-ANR Air India 787-8 Delhi DEL 4h 52m ago planefinder Route 473kts 38,000ft . 个 3D VK 75 Follow # Frankfurt FRA in 4h 4m
  • 18
    FunnyJoke Comedy Man @butt_sword keeping an eye on this guy... asking some good questions r/NoStupidQuestions u/OkRickySpinach • 16h Why haven't we developed large rice? Join Rice is very small. Wouldn't it make more sense if each grain was like 8 oz? Then you'd only have to eat a couple rice 41,465 353 Comments 3:58 PM 2/1/24 From Earth 587K Views
  • 19
    thomas violence @thomas_violence putting on a $5000 head set so i can figure out how long to boil pasta for Joey Banks @joeyabanks 1d This was the first frame from an Apple Vision Pro review that made me believe we're all going to be using and leaning into spacial computing soon enough. It always comes back to timers. youtube.com/watch?v=8x110S... Balsamic Mushroom and Sausage Pasta 5:52 +5 Balsamic Mushroom and Sausage Pasta Step 1 7:30 +1 +10 4:35 PM 1/31/24 From Earth 712K Views 1.1K Reposts
  • 20
    Van @scroteshaker bro got pushed on the swing mid-tweet hubert plant emoji @postedinthecrib 1d point in every mans life wheee he has to learn how to play tekken 4:22 PM 1/28/24 From Earth 1.7M Views . 9.8K Reposts 60 Quotes 63K Likes 1.8K Bookmarks
  • 21
    #PartyWith Peoples @Peoples1K I told this girl I was dating that I was stressed out from bills & helping my folks out financially.. she said "let me take you out to get your mind off things" ... went to a nice restaurant for dinner & when the bill came she passed that mf right to me gen@genmxn·1d why do men feel the need to go through things alone 3:54 PM 1/29/24 From Earth 3.5M Views 5.4K Reposts 2.3K Quotes
  • 22
    bЯyan @murderxbryan I am reading a home beer brewing thread about why people quit home brewing and you're not gonna believe this but a lot of them quit because their wife wanted a divorce 2:48 PM 1/28/24 From Earth. 979K Views ● 821 Reposts 100 Quotes
  • 23
    bailey moon @Baileymoon15 my dad bases every movie suggested to him on the big short. he always asks "is it better than the big short?" and if the answer is yes, he'll watch it. after every movie, he'll kinda sadly shake his head and say "it wasn't as good as the big short" 7:45 PM · 1/27/24 From Earth - 903K Views 465 Reposts 170 Quotes 16K Likes 739 Bookmarks
  • 24
    Stone Cold Jane Austen @AbbyHiggs *Yoda, seeing himself in 4K: HDMI 12:15 PM 1/26/24 From Earth 935K Views ● 2.1K Reposts 101 Quotes 22K Likes 703 B.
  • 25
    goo dan jones @danielwjones_ Bro tell me why I can't get my son to just be still for any show but we are watching the Sydney Sweeney hot ones episode and this boy is locked in A FIRST WE
  • 26
    jon drake @DrakeGatsby How I look at my wife while she drives me home from the brewery 8:39 AM 1/26/24 From Earth 1.1M Views 652 Reposts 37 Quotes 14K Likes 453 Bookmarks
  • 27
    the laugher @troop_hater how my dinner date looks at me when i start speaking in flawless patois 5:34 PM 1/25/24 From Earth 1.8M Views 394 Reposts 160 Quotes
  • 28
    JRR Jokien @joshcarlosjosh SUID U.S. Postal Service @USPS 1d Have you considered rizzing them up with a letter? 11:19 AM 1/25/24 From Earth 6.8M Views . 8.5K Reposts 64 Quotes
  • 29
    binp @the_binp saw someone say that ron desantis smiles like the 1959 uconn huskies logo TM 10:08 PM 1/22/24 From Earth 475K Views ● ● 723 Reposts 28 Quotes 13K Likes 312 Bookmarks
  • 30
    katie morrissey @PonyBolognaCity gen z rebranding Manhattan as “work island”" is so healing and I hope it tanks the rental market 12:18 AM 1/25/24 From Earth 402K Views 556 Reposts 63 Quotes 9.2K Likes 354 Bookmarks
  • 31
    nate @run da op @animeterrorist very funny to me that the inventor of the .webp file extension actively tries to defend himself on this website hostage situation 14 224 Jyrki Alakuijala @jyzg 2.4K 1:42 PM 1/10/24 From Earth 40 Views Jyrki Alakuijala @jyzg 51K WebP is 10+ years format, almost 12. It should work in various software by now. - mhaps the Invento ve WON image VITTIAL gets hit by a bus. 8 244 Follow 445 ₁21K 1:29 AM 7/13/23 From Earth 254 Views Follow I invented the lossless WebP forma
  • 32
    Matt Van Swol @matt_vanswol My wife found this bottle of Dawn dish soap sitting in my parent's shower. Apparently, my dad uses it to wash his entire body because: "If it's good enough for baby ducks, it's good enough for me." Absolute legend. ● FAMILY SIZE DAWN ULTRA 50% LESS SCRUBBING 3X DECHONGAR 1:57 PM 1/24/24 From Earth. 1.2M Views
  • 33
    Joe Baiamonte @JoeBaia Netflix being $14.3bn in debt and then spending another $5bn on wrestling content is the exact sort of business decision I would make if I were in charge of a major streaming service. If you're $14bn in debt, you may as well be $19bn in debt AND have Rey Mysterio and Randy Orton 4:22 AM 1/24/24 From Earth 2.3M Views 4.2K Reposts 160 Quotes
  • 34
    Keaton @kjonesy1587 "My buddy over there thinks you're cute." Me all the way in the corner of the club: 15 GHMARK STADU Jason Kelce 10:12 PM 1/23/24 From Earth - 534K Views 497 Reposts 21 Quotes 16K Likes 220 Bookmarks
  • 35
    Madelaine Lucas @madelaine lucas Filled out the paperwork for my daughter's 1st passport and under "employment" was told to write "unemployed baby" 5:42 PM 1/23/24 From Earth. 88K Views ● 137 Reposts 29 Quotes 2.4K Likes 66 Bookmarks
  • 36
    tbd fan acc @jacobin_lemon it's great that every year a new cohort of nyu grads leave manhattan and tweet about this train station Cait @CaitCamelia 23h Going here at 3 am and finding God DUNKIN DONUTS ● 154 ORANG TE PEFRESHIN Checkers CRAZY COOD FOOD Checkers 16 Checker 6:38 PM 1/21/24 1.4M Views POPEYES LOUISIANA KIT 765 Reposts 29 Quotes 15K Likes 748 Bookmarks
  • 37
    åndⓇew h @Andrew Boley Rewatched Succession and it's so obvious Tom would take over. He's literally the only one of them who actually had a job 1:18 AM 1/21/24 From Earth 971K Views . . 440 Reposts 111 Quotes 17K Likes 899 Bookmarks
  • 38
    IBA @kcokaine Idgf what humans did in avatar. Imma be loyal to my species til the end dawg 12:29 AM 1/21/24 184K Views ●. 326 Reposts 36 Quotes 4.4K Likes 161 Bookmarks
  • 39
    vinny @vinnybutbetter At my friend's house watching the game. He's the only person that I know in real life that has more movies than me. Name a movie made before 2000 and we'll see if he owns it. ALDWIGHT FRONT PAG THEE 10 9:40 PM 1/20/24 From Earth. 1.6M Views 1.4K Reposts 1.2K Quotes
  • 40
    Brianna @singingbirth I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store 12:37 AM 1/21/24 From Earth 116K Views ● 280 Reposts 38 Quotes 4.2K Likes 276 Bookmarks
  • 41
    Invis @invis4yo i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like "u know the news saying those things are killing people" i laughed a lil bit & said "they say the same thing about yall lol" he ain't laugh 11:23 PM 2/1/24 From Earth-6.7M Views 16K Reposts 930 Quotes
  • 42
    chels @kingchelsay Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France 4:31 PM 1/30/24 From Earth · 2.7M Views 13K Reposts 553 Quotes
  • 43
    Stone Cold Jane Austen @AbbyHiggs Call that a seceding hairline 8:21 PM 2/2/24 From Earth 860K Views . 757 Reposts 74 Quotes 15K Likes 359 Bookmarks
  • 44
    kira @kirawontmiss This is the Nick Cannon of the sea Nature is Amazingc@AMAZIN... 18h This is how seahorses give birth!! 1:20 PM 1/20/24 8.9M Views c
  • 45
    Xiran * PREORDER HEAVENL... @XiranJayZhao Totally forgot cheese isn't really a thing in most of China and it's absolutely wild to read a thread full of people going "I thought cheese would be so delicious by the way Tom and Jerry ate it on TV but when I had it for real for the first time I was so disappointed : (" 4:38 PM 1/20/24 From Earth. 2.1M Views 3.2K Reposts 987 Quotes
  • 46
    Peabody McSquints @up_failing The intimate nature of the hoagie room PIZZERIA BEDDIN HOAGIE ROOM = The Hoagie Room is a two-hour private pizza and hoagie Omakase experience for parties of 6. Due to the intimate nature of the hoagie room, we cannot accommodate parties larger than 6 guests. 12:53 PM 2/3/24 From Earth. 216K Views 418 Reposts 111 Quotes 5.1K Likes 195 Bookmarks
  • 47
    ceeks @70Ceeks the last four words in a game of connections STRATION 06 JUILLET 669 SORTER local blogger @fergoe Career .390 batting average would put you in the Hall of Fame, I don't see the issue POR Pop Crave @PopCrave.1d Punxsutawney Phil & his ancestors have an accuracy rate of 39% going back to 1887. WTAJ OWTA YOUR NEWS

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