45 of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (February 17, 2024)

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  • 01
    Fiona Small @FionaSmall Best of luck to those starting the Mark Wahlberg 40 day challenge tomorrow T MARK WAHLBERG'S 40-DAY CHALLENGE 4:11 PM 2/13/24 From Earth 330K Views . TODAY 749 Reposts 99 Quotes 8.9K Likes 276 Bookmarks
  • 02
    •spooky girl.cassiopeia.™ @sadgirlcassi bow down before the one you serve you're going to get a manicure ΑΙΣΘΗΤΙΚΗΣ ΑΚΡΩΝ NIMAILS NIVAILS 7:01 PM 2/10/24 From Earth. 1M Views 3.4K Reposts 263 Quotes 25K Likes 498 Bookmarks
  • 03
    first name lexi @lexishaye_ the landlord painting over a moth on my bedroom wall before I move in
  • 04
    jeeves @jeeveswilliams glad to see usher looking happy and healthy in spite of his house falling 8:30 PM - 2/11/24 From Earth . 1M Views 1.8K Reposts 109 Quotes 11K Likes 157 Bookmarks.
  • 05
    bald ann dowd @ali_sivi feeling kinda anxious i hope this 40 oz cold brew +9 hours of screen time helps 1:13 PM 2/10/24 From Earth - 2.3M Views . 10K Reposts 261 Quotes
  • 06
    gen W @genmxn men will turn 30 and still be like "idk what i want :/" & like u have 5 more years with hair so please figure it out 7:07 AM 2/13/24 From Earth-3.5M Views ● 12K Reposts 1.3K Quotes
  • 07
    Dirk Fuckner @timerube this isn't "dune lore" it's literally just the premise of the entire plot of dune. am i going insane joy★ @illjoy_.19h my favorite part of Dune lore is that all space navigation is performed by a bunch of spice addict mutants that are so coked up they can see the future 1:23 AM 2/11/24 From Earth 1.5M Views . ● 841 Reposts 118 Quotes 25K Likes 974 Bookmarks
  • 08
    Steven (with a ph) @SJKSalisbury DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I'm just saying, it's a very misleading flyer BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise 3:57 AM 2/12/24 From Earth. 113K Views . 717 Reposts 6 Quotes 4.6K Likes 117 Bookmarks
  • 09
    Hispanic Shaun King @okimstillhungry He's one of my closest friends and I love him, but when this guy texts me I take a deep breath because I know it's gonna be something like this. Today 10:52 AM Prepare to laugh your *off iff AQUABEAN 5:49 PM 2/12/24 From Earth. 1.1M Views 1.1K Reposts 149 Quotes
  • 10
    noob dog @noobdoggy Great. Just great. I tried to reheat my dinner by putting it on my PC because it was running hot now my computer won't start and this is soggy and cold now. Just more bad news as usual. RYZEN
  • 11
    Yukki || @YukkiEXE Catboy Vtuber Me 3 seconds after the swordsman quickly sheaths his blade Seals @dailyseals. 1d
  • 12
    kira @kirawontmiss she threatened to tell them more things about her marriage with will smith NO JUMPER No Jumper @nojumper. 1d Jada Pinkett Smith scared off two intruders who attempted to break into her home in Los Angeles. via @TMZ NO JUMPER PRADA 11:54 PM 2/10/24 From Earth. 14M Views
  • 13
    grass @outfieldxgrass good for some. bad for some marthastewart48 : 8:02 PM 2/11/24 From Earth- 909K Views ... от Liked by willdefries and 9,355 others marthastewart48 made it onto the Jumbo tron second quarter SF 10. KC 0. good for some. bad for some B
  • 14
    Jesse Doogan @jadoogan Okay this is the first time I have considered that the boots themselves did not have the fur Reba McEntire @reba 20h Boots with the fur...#SuperBowILVIII ready!
  • 15
    JRR Jokien @joshcarlosjosh Did you ever hear the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise? I thought not. It's not a story the Jedi would tell you. It's a Sith legend. Pluto @Plutoo Del Rey. 1d What is Taylor Swift whispering in Lana's ear? NS
  • 16
    clayd @clayd_yila this is when i knew the chiefs had it. god probably collapsed when they saw taylor's name on the caller id 11:47 PM 2/11/24 From Earth. 1.4M Views . GAMEDAY
  • 17
    Courtney TS (Taylor's Version) London, B... @weallgotcrowns7 This looks like one of those pictures you get on a roller coaster BALENCIAS LL BA . GAMEN 8:37 PM 2/11/24 4.2M Views 8K Reposts 621 Quotes IG ET E
  • 18
    B.W. Carlin @BaileyCarlin "Ice and Spice, just how I like my margaritas! Ha, I'm Jason" BCBS SPORTS NFL TODAY MID 5:12 PM 2/11/24 From Earth. 4.2M Views ● 6.5K Reposts 293 Quotes
  • 19
    Riley 2 @Riled UpForSwift google search: what is an ice spice OFF AVATE DONNA KELCE 83 6:08 PM 2/11/24 1.3M Views
  • 20
    7/11 Truther @DaveMcNamee3000 Me watching Aquaman 2 on mute through the gaps in the airplane seats DAL ● 2000 5:30 PM 2/12/24 From Earth 424K Views MING 507 Reposts 41 Quotes 14K Likes 254 Bookmarks
  • 21
    Brandon Warne @Brandon_Warne JJ Watt headed to prom 2002 after this OCBS SPORTS 9:29 PM 2/11/24 From Earth. 768K Views ●
  • 22
    shaumbé @SHAUMBE i thought this was ozempic ceelo green 100001 1 9:40 PM 2/11/24 3.9M Views 4/6 for
  • 23
    Kevin Ryan @KevinRyan Comedy Tell me Im wrong 8:48 PM 2/11/24 From Earth 959K Views . . 1.5K Reposts 58 Quotes 23K Likes 271 Bookmarks
  • 24
    Stephen Carty @TheNaked Pun Taylor Swift going down to the field after the game: ********** 9:52 PM 2/11/24 From Earth • 1M Views • 1.7K Reposts 18 Quotes 44K Likes 742 Bookmarks
  • 25
    Rob DenBleyker @RobDenBleyker i don't think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn't have a private jet she'd be Taylor Slow 12:56 AM2/11/24 From Earth. 35K Views 114 Reposts 2 Quotes 924 Likes 7 Bookmarks
  • 26
    Stone Cold Jane Austen @AbbyHiggs [my first day as a bartender] Customer: I'd like a Jack and Coke Me: Is Pepsi ok? Customer: Sure Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up 11:31 AM2/11/24 143K Views · 354 Reposts 4 Quotes 5.8K Likes 117 Bookma
  • 27
    this is how dogs would eat if they had money Sol Brah @SolBrah 21h Raw meat plate for dinner: raw ground beef, sliced ribeye steak. Served with white rice + sautéed mushrooms topped with raw bone marrow. Raw is law.
  • 28
    kc @powcampsurvivor my dullard roommate: hey can we use the tv for the big game? me: Ah, "the big game,” enjoy your juvenile pursuit. not to worry, I'll be in my study.
  • 29
    Pugmane 5 @pugmane Jedi accountant "I see here Qui-gon purchased one ...boy on Tatooine. Wait that can't be right." 5:52 PM 1/31/23 2.4M Views ● 4.4K Reposts 130 Quotes 49K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 30
    JRR Jokien @joshcarlosjosh hellwalker. @kreophagos 4/14/23 my boytoy came without instructions and now it's committed several war crimes. 6:30 PM 2/10/24 From Earth. 6.4M Views
  • 31
    Jake Bartok @JR_Bartok I will be seated front and centre cracking open an ice cold 25yr aged Watto Pepsi. EMPIRE for No. 4 STOR WATTO CAN WATTO A pudgy blue Toydarian, he runs a junk shop and loves to bet on the rodracers. But ome days he is bo shrewd for s own good. DL Empire Magazine @empiremagazine. 1d EXCLUSIVE K BUT No. 4 WATT #StarWars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace is returning to cinemas for a limited time from 3 May, to celebrate its 25th anniversary.
  • 32
    PRESS Royce Lopez @hippojuicefilm Jay-z looks like a black grandma sick of raising her daughter's kids. 11:35 PM 2/10/24 From Earth 151K Views • . 377 Reposts 58 Quotes 5K Likes 80 Bookmarks
  • 33
    Jo @YuxingArt When looking at any design choice in a game, I'm always reminded of a national park ranger explaining how difficult it is to design trash cans because there is a considerable overlap between smartest bears and dumbest humans The Oshborn @DaveOshry 3d THE YELLOW PAINT VIRUS HAS INFECTED FF7
  • 34
    Corn * @upblissed All these temu commericals I almost bought me an Iced Out Rolecks 9:11 PM 2/11/24 From Earth-685K Views 598 Reposts 9 Quotes 19K Likes 233 Bookmarks
  • 35
    tweet davidson @andykreed do NOT buy a bidet from temu
  • 36
    So GitLab posts their internal Zoom call recordings on YouTube, and some have HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of views... Because people use them to pretend like they're working. @goprocbr 1y ago Sometimes when I need to get away from the kids for a bit..., I turn this on and close the door. Thank you. 127 Q 2 replies Christian Keil @pronounced_kyle @cammmdelong. 2mo ago Does anyone talk back to the video when your family walks by or is it just me? 8 2 replies 43 Q @dantelich 7mo ago This meeting has been
  • 37
    Invis @invis4yo me deleting my post or story because my other personality saw it and disagreed: 12:06 AM 2/13/24 From Earth 1.2M Views ● 8.3K Reposts 247 Quotes
  • 38
    @doxie_gay what do mummies do when they catch you? do they just beat your ? 1:53 AM 2/13/24 184K Views . 485 Reposts 51 Quotes 5.8K Likes 215 Bookmarks
  • 39
    BIG DADDY @DJ_illAdvised My mom might actually be the worst person to deliver news of someone's death sela is on her way....... Mom No.... To her maker!!! Doctors give her a few days to a week A To NY? She's staying with you? A iMessage Cash QWE RT YU UIOP ОР 11:56 AM 2/12/24 From Earth 2.2M Views ● 0 4K Reposts 1K Quotes 70K Likes 1.9K Bookmarks
  • 40
    Tribu @Whotfismick sometimes I'm late because I sit like this for a long time: 8:00 AM 2/13/24 From Earth. 8.7M Views 28K Reposts 1.5K Quotes €9
  • 41
    Crowsa Luxemburg @quendergeer GOON: hey boss, would you still love me if i was a woim 2:26 AM 2/13/24 From Earth. 1M Views • 2.3K Reposts 51 Quotes 23K Likes 734 Bookmarks
  • 42
    Wookieelndex @WookieeIndex The true measure of wealth is not your private equity portfolio, it's this: WENS RAO'S ه در 108 FER HON F WILD SULLES TENDED BY HAND Ande FRESH AIR SUNSHINE V-307 PASTURE Vital RAISED 4 RAD AT HANY *** ***Wa TENDED BY HAND SMALL FAMILY FARMS Vital PASTURE-RAISED. FARMS SINCE 1896 RAO'S HOMEMADE All Natural, Premium MARINARA NET WT 15.5 OZ (440G) FARMS 18 LARGE EGGS- GRADE ATORAGE OUTDOORS YEAR ROUND SAND hat wa SMALL PAMILY FARMS- 12:30 PM - 2/13/24 1.7M Views ETHICAL
  • 43
    THE 13TH DISCIPLE @unsanctifi3d [planning heist] leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that's when you will- [notices my disapproving expression] what? me: that's when I take my break too tho 2:15 PM 2/13/24 33K Views ● . 69 Reposts 1 Quote 802 Likes 15 Bookmarks
  • 44
    Will Mavity @mavericksmovies Man, the screenwriting duo for Madame Web have had an absolutely historic run Filmography Film Year Title 2014 Dracula Untold The Last Witch Hunter 2016 Gods of Egypt 2015 2017 Power Rangers 2022 Morbius 2024 Madame Web Director Gary Shore Breck Eisner Alex Proyas Dean Israelite Daniel Espinosa S. J. Clarkson 1:23 PM 2/13/24 From Earth 834K Views
  • 45
    схеила @sheylasometimes I have this Jester's privilege XA Article Talk Jester's privilege is the ability and right of a jester to talk and mock freely without being punished; for nothing he says seems to matter. 9:13 PM 2/13/24 From Earth. 1.2M Views ● 6K Reposts 489 Quotes

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